[melsk58]

The symptoms of a road trip.

Today was intoxicating. The kind of day where the fresh air and the bright sun give us goosebumps and all we want to do is hit the open road. With all four windows down we drove into the efflorescence. Our voices were intermingled with the cries of the staticy radio; eventually we switched to CD. It was bliss. It seemed as if a whole world of opportunities had opened up before us. We sang. Breathing in the warm air, all we could think about was how happy we were, a feeling quite unconnected with the events of our lives. We had shed that. It was far away back in the places we called home.

Eventually someone begins the game. Flashing. We giggle and it is almost as if we are sixteen again, out for the first time in our new car. We make eyes at the cuter drivers; they show us glorious displays of speed. We laugh. What they think will impress us . . . tsk, tsk, if only they had a clue.

We talk about our dreams and goals, but the subject matter is too heavy so we talk about our fantasies and our secrets. We reveal much, but never our souls. Not even the sunny atmosphere could pry that from us. We stop at a mini mart for provisions; the soda, the chocolate and a tampon. We flirt with the salesclerk, but he is old and we are not. We switch drivers.

We are winding away from civilization. Fields, flowers, foliage. More beautiful than any face. Talk turns to stories, stories turn to boredom. We rest at a stop. We call it the destination. We frolic in a stream. The sun dries the water as we lay on some large flat rocks. We talk about boys, we talk about girls, we talk about love. Beautiful ribbons of affairs of crushes. The intricacy of the human heart; the connection between living and loving. A stones throw from pain, but today we are optimistic. Maybe it is the sunshine or the fresh air or the unequivocal feeling of freedom we have experienced on our drive, but our hearts seem to be overflowing with good natured thoughts.

Now dry, we make the hike back to the car. It's sweltering so we leave our clothes off. The venture back is less eventful due to the sinking sun and the ebbing glory. Foreplay. Headlights broken and missing become new weapons. This provides the entertainment we need to keep awake. It becomes a rigorous battle. The air is chilly so we roll up the windows. Green signs fly past warning us of the day's end.

In the shadow of our problems we sigh. The sunshine had provided us an exit, but the door had merely led back to the room we began in. Our only chance is to take another drink.

[Lubesh]

What i found irritating a bit with this account was ur short sentances with vey little stopping to give any details or expand on anything.

[sensitive1]

Interesting, but leaves the reader confused. Maybe add a little more? Very intruiging, though.

[melsk58]

i guess i should have put this in more context. this is one entry of a series that i wrote dealing with the use of pronouns. this entry only uses the 'us/we/our' perspective. i did a couple 'I' perspectives and a 'you' perspective that i don't think is good enough to post. the point of this piece for me was conveying the feelings and thoughts more than building an actual story.

[SlickNick]

Great concept, but I'd have to agree with lubesh.

[Aleox]

I could feel your freedom, the way the sunshine and warmth drove your happiness. A great way to spend the day!

[Croato87]

The work immediately takes on a tone that stays halfway between serene and melancholy, in a way that can only be described as calm, which it carries for its entirety. The image of the girls forgetting of their troubles in their carefree company is a concept that the reader can easily relate to, and so she can fill in physical details on her own, opening the way for powerful storytelling. Although, at first, the ending might seem confusing, it is actually very conclusive, as the characters' joy fades out with the setting of the sun, and their troubles immediately come back to them.

The problem I saw with this story is that it's just not really a story. In my experiences with women, they go through something similar to this reawakening every time they go to a frat party. Perhaps I, as a man, cannot relate, but in that way the piece alienates the entire male audience.

[Gigle]

I think could be really good if there was more character development and details given in the story.

[Vincentii]

I believe you succeeded in what you set out to do, which in itself is admirable.
I myself, though, cannot relate to the emotions expressed in the story, perhaps this is because I am a man, but I believe that - if you had explored the emotions further and extrapolated them a bit - I would nevertheless have been able to make some connection to them.

As it is, the story is obviously a great piece of work, but one that - as Croato87 put it - excludes the bulk of the male audience, which is a shame.

[quills]

The tranquillity was brilliantly displayed. I can relate, because I'm a girl, but I agree with the male audience, that it excludes them. I don't know if you've ever read any Wally Lamb. But there's an author who can write about any gender and pitch the story to any sex. Check out "She's Come Undone" and "I Know This Much is True". All in all, well done. Some great metaphors and descriptions. It brought me back to a day I spent like this. Well done.

[Paige579]

Good start. But I can't help but wonder where are you going on the road trip? WHy are you going? I like how you describe what you do on the way though.

Originally Posted by melsk58

The symptoms of a road trip.

Today was intoxicating. The kind of day where the fresh air and the bright sun give us goosebumps and all we want to do is hit the open road. With all four windows down we drove into the efflorescence. Our voices were intermingled with the cries of the staticy radio; eventually we switched to CD. It was bliss. It seemed as if a whole world of opportunities had opened up before us. We sang. Breathing in the warm air, all we could think about was how happy we were, a feeling quite unconnected with the events of our lives. We had shed that. It was far away back in the places we called home.

Eventually someone begins the game. Flashing. We giggle and it is almost as if we are sixteen again, out for the first time in our new car. We make eyes at the cuter drivers; they show us glorious displays of speed. We laugh. What they think will impress us . . . tsk, tsk, if only they had a clue.

We talk about our dreams and goals, but the subject matter is too heavy so we talk about our fantasies and our secrets. We reveal much, but never our souls. Not even the sunny atmosphere could pry that from us. We stop at a mini mart for provisions; the soda, the chocolate and a tampon. We flirt with the salesclerk, but he is old and we are not. We switch drivers.

We are winding away from civilization. Fields, flowers, foliage. More beautiful than any face. Talk turns to stories, stories turn to boredom. We rest at a stop. We call it the destination. We frolic in a stream. The sun dries the water as we lay on some large flat rocks. We talk about boys, we talk about girls, we talk about love. Beautiful ribbons of affairs of crushes. The intricacy of the human heart; the connection between living and loving. A stones throw from pain, but today we are optimistic. Maybe it is the sunshine or the fresh air or the unequivocal feeling of freedom we have experienced on our drive, but our hearts seem to be overflowing with good natured thoughts.

Now dry, we make the hike back to the car. It's sweltering so we leave our clothes off. The venture back is less eventful due to the sinking sun and the ebbing glory. Foreplay. Headlights broken and missing become new weapons. This provides the entertainment we need to keep awake. It becomes a rigorous battle. The air is chilly so we roll up the windows. Green signs fly past warning us of the day's end.

In the shadow of our problems we sigh. The sunshine had provided us an exit, but the door had merely led back to the room we began in. Our only chance is to take another drink.

[Ambrose]

I thought this was pretty good. The wording in the beginning was a bit perplexing. I know you were going for a over-the-top extravagant feel in the description of the sun and the atmosphere, but I don't think efflorescence is the most appropriate choice of word. Anyways, I'm a guy (with two older sisters I might add) and I could still relate to the story and to the girls' ecstasy at being able to relax, forget the rest of the world, and come down to a more personal level with their friends. Yet, there were a few confusing sentences. The part about them not being willing to expose their souls seems to contradict the rest of the piece. Why won't they expose their souls? Aren't they all good friends? But anyways, you captured the day perfectly.

[User192021]

I thought this piece captured the freedom and companionship I believe you set out to describe. As a few other people have mentioned, I would have liked to have know a little more about the context of the story itself. Like where you are going on the road trip. But I suppose that was not the point of the story, which overall, I thought was well written.