[jerH]

A while back Venomous Vixen posted some poetry she found "while cleaning out a shoebox." At the time I lamented the fact I didn't have a shoebox to clean out myself. But this weekend, while moving a bookshelf, I came across my high school literary magazine from 1991. It had two stories in it that I had written as English assignments and totally forgotten about. The assignment for this one was to write something satirical. It contains one passage that I find particularly cringe-worthy (you'll know it when you read it) I can only claim the ignorance of a 17 year old who grew up in the geek bubble of AP classes.


A Few Moments in the Life of Senator Dan Snail

“Mr. Senator! Mr. Senator! Please!”

“I’m simply trying to explain my proposed legislation to curb the current problems in…”

“I realize this Mr. Senator, but we have important business already at hand. We can discuss your bill when we’re through with this one.”

“But this is a very important matter! It requires immediate attention!”

“Mr. Senator, I hate to disillusion you, but your bill is simply not as important as the matter at hand.”

“But what could be more important than a bill concerning civil rights, taxes, starvation, and football ticket prices all at once?”

“The matter at hand!”

“Which is what?!”

“Well, um, I don’t know! You’re not supposed to ask such frank questions, Mr. Senator! But I can assure you that whatever it is, it’s very important.”

“Excuse me, sir, but I believe we were discussing proposed legislation that would enact a tariff on cheese puffs.”

“No, no. It was proposed legislation deregulating the room deodorizer industry.”

“No. It was the question of who won the World Series last year!”

“Yes, yes, that was it precisely!”

“Oh. Well. In that case, I think it was Boston.”

“No! It was New York!”

“No! It was Cleveland!”

“Cleveland?!”

“Well, it was a good guess.”

“No, it wasn’t!”

“Sorry. Does anyone have any snails?”

***

“You’re kidding! That was all you did at work today?”

“Well, no. There was a rather lengthy filibuster on the morality of eating snails and the question of whether or not legislation should be passed concerning it.”

“Eating snails?!”

“Yes. Because if you think about it, what do they hurt? Nothing! And they’re rather defenseless, too.”

“Well, so are Canadians and I don’t see anyone trying to pass legislation trying to protect them!”

“No one’s trying to eat the Canadians either, dear.”

“My God! What has the Senate come to?”

“Immoral.”

“What?!”

“We came to the conclusion that it was immoral.”

“Whatever for?”

“Because the French do it.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Goodnight dear.”

***

“Huh? What?”

“Sorry to be calling you so early in the morning, Senator.”

“Who is this?”

“This is the President’s National Security Advisor.”

“Collect?!”

“Well, Gramm-Rudman you know.”
“I see.”

“There’ve been some important developments and it is imperative that we meet.”

“Why?”

“Because you always hold meetings anytime there are developments. You know that.”

“Sorry. I forgot there for a second.”

“Okay, just don’t let it happen again. And on your way, could you pick up an order of snails?”

“Snails?!”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, just bring me the receipt.”

***

“Well this better be pretty darn important to get me out of bed at 10:30 on a Thursday!”

“Yes, it’s quite important Senator.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“There’s a sale on toaster ovens going on right now at Wards.”

“My God!”

“Shocking, isn’t it?”

“Yes! Do we have troops there yet?”

“They’re enroute.”

“And with the President’s birthday only two weeks away.”


“Yes, I know. Heads will roll for this one.”

“Well…”

“Well what, Senator?”

“Don’t spend more than twelve billion.”

“We’re prepared. We have coupons.”

“Good.”

“But that’s not all.”

“My God! Not vacuum cleaners too?!”

“No.”

“What a relief. I was about to panic.”

“You might still want to.”

“Why?”

“Cleveland’s picked to win the Series.”

“Noooo!”

“And there’s a whites sale, and the blacks found out.”

“Can’t we stop them?”

“No. They’ve decided it’s time they owned some whites.”

“I weep for this nation.”

“The CIA is working on it though.”

“What will they do?”

“Shoot Cleveland’s bullpen and stock Wards with slightly irregular whites.”

“Good. That many slightly irregular whites should be a real boost for the fiber laxative industry, and I need their votes.”

“Never fear, sir. Here, have a snail.”

***

“Arlene, come in here and take a memo.”

“Yes sir.”

“Start off with the date.”

“Yes sir. What is today?”

“I don’t know, I’m only a Senator. Charlie! What’s today?”

“I don’t know! I’m just your personal aide!”

“I think it’s Friday, Arlene.”

“Yes sir, Friday.”

“To all congressional valets, colon…”

“How do you spell that sir?”

“It’s just those two little dots.”

“Oh.”

“I would like to express my and my colleague’s extreme appreciation of your recent hygiene habits. The stench in the cloakroom has decreased notably since my last memo requesting that you buy deodorant. Now if you will just start wearing it instead of spraying it into the air, we’ll really be in business. We would also now like to request that you immediately remove all dread locks as they have been deemed unacceptable due to political associations with Rastafarians. Thank you.”

“…to express. Okay, go ahead Senator. Oh, by the way, you’re having lunch with the head of a prominent PAC this afternoon.”

“When?”

“In about ten minutes.”

***

“So, Senator, we understand you’re heading up a recently formed sub-committee.”

“Yes. I am the Chairman of the Senate Sub-committee on the Procurement of Bleach for the Express Written Purpose of the Washing of Senatorial Underwear.”

“Yes, well, I represent the heads of several bleach manufacturing companies and I am prepared to make a significant contribution to your campaign if you can assure us that your committee will procure its bleach from the companies I represent.”

“Which companies do you represent?”

“Every manufacturer of liquid bleach in the United States with the exception of Alasks and Hawaii, but including the Puerto Rican firm of Pablo and Sons and Cousins and Second Cousins and Some Guy Named Henry Who Lives Down the Lane, Incorporated.”

“Well, how significant a contribution are we speaking of?”

“That depends on your committee’s budget.”

“Twenty-two billion, give or take what I spend on lottery tickets and Depends Undergarments.”

“That’s a lot of money.”

“Senators have a lot of dirty laundry.”

“I see. One last question, Senator. How did you manage to head up an appropriations committee? I thought the House was in charge of all appropriations.”

“Shhh! The House doesn’t know yet.”

“How did the Senate manage that one?”

“Shhh! The Senate doesn’t know yet.”

“Ahhh! So how should I contact you?”

“Tie your message to a brick and throw it through my office window.”

“But your office has no windows.”

“I see your point. In that case, just leave your message with the Speaker of the Outhouse and he’ll contact me.”

“Okay. Will do. Who gets the bill?”

“I do. Forty-eight bucks for snails?!”

***

“So gentlemen, does anyone have any new business to bring up, or any old business that they feel may develop a complex because it didn’t receive enough attention the first time it was brought up? No? Then we can adjourn for snails and…”

“What! I have a new bit of legislation to propose!”

“What is it now, Mr. Senator? Do you want a Constitutional amendment outlawing the designated hitter so you can be sure that Cleveland doesn’t win the Series? Because if that’s what you want, I can assure you that it is completely useless since there is no way Cleveland can win now after that tragic string of heart attacks their bullpen had last week.”

“Snicker snicker. No. I am proposing that we outlaw satirization of the government, particularly us.”

“Why?”

“Because it makes us look bad. This is an election year, you know.”

“I see. But doesn’t that violate the freedom of speech thing?”

“No. They can speech all they want to, they just can’t satire. There’s no Constitutional right to satirization, is there?”

“I don’t think so.”

“But Mr. Senator, what about freedom of the press?”

“They can still run a full-court press if they want to. What’s that got to do with it?!”

“Nothing.”

“Well, then, its settled. Satirization of the government is hereby declared illegal and will be considered an act of treason and dealt with in a fitting manner.”

“Let’s go get some snails.”

***

“Our top story tonight, a young high school student in San Antonio, Texas, today became the first victim of recent legislation concerning the legality of governmental satires. Jeremy Hendrix was put to death by forced mastification of snails at 1:34 a.m. The young man claimed right up to the end that such a sentence violated the cruel and unusual punishment clause of the Constitution, but the Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution said nothing about grammar and therefore had no bearing whatsoever on the correctness of a sentence.”

“In other news, OSEC, the Organization of Snail Exporting Countries, announced an embargo today…”

[RENA HANDS]

You wrote this at 17? It’s impressive, more fascinating I think. It definitely requires two or four reads at separate times.

[McCoy]

impressive indeed. Nice work

[Verbalcody]

this is TOO funny. I mean, I loved the lemmings one, but this one is TOO damned funny. I don't know the requirements of being in the advanced writing section but this should be there.

I don't know about the line my and my colleagues (I would like to express my and my colleague’s extreme appreciation) this may be the correct wording, but it sounded funny. My colleagues and I would like to express, I believe, is more appropriate. That is if you're even concerned about a touch up.

Anyway this is brilliant and thank you for sharing you have a unique sense of humour and a voice people at the learning to write level usually don't develop. Even if it is a bit childish (and its my favorite part)

[superbum]

I got ma little bit confused as to who was talking a couple times, but that's because I'm a little slow, it was hilarious, especially from a 17 year old.

[Bluejay]

This was quite funny. It helped a bit for me to visualize people speaking it. For some reason, I was reminded of the quick banter style of "Blazing Saddles". Mel Books would have made a good Senator Dan Snail.

Only one part gave me pause - "Wards." Haven't heard of that place in more years than I care to admit.

“I see. One last question, Senator. How did you manage to head up an appropriations committee? I thought the House was in charge of all appropriations.”

“Shhh! The House doesn’t know yet.”

“How did the Senate manage that one?”

“Shhh! The Senate doesn’t know yet.”

Hilarious!

[Lubesh]

“To all congressional valets, colon…”

“How do you spell that sir?”

“It’s just those two little dots.”

Classic...wish you could hear me laugh...

and all the greats began here, well done!

[jerH]

Thanks all....I remember having a lot of fun writing this, laughing a bit too much at my own jokes