[Patricia16]

Sara stretched out in her plastic chair, slapping her sunglasses onto her face and plopping a hat over her auburn hair. She glanced out from under the rims of her pink plastic spectacles to watch a cute surf dude walk by, admiring his dark tan and suave swim shorts. Suddenly aware of the rising heat in her skin, she reached into her purse, groping around its jumbled contents. Three metallic colored combs and a bottle of nail polish remover later, she was studying the label of her economy-sized sunscreen bottle. She popped the top and squeezed some into her palm, then slathered it over her face, shoulders and under her shirt, oblivious to the curious and sometimes disgusted glances of the wary beach travelers milling about her on the crowded sand.


A young man of about her age walked by, his tanned arm clutching a worn and aged surf board, looked strangely at her for a moment as she finished applying the sunscreen to her cracked and already burnt skin. She closed the bottle and slipped it back into her bag, then realized that a shadow had fallen over her, momentarily blocking the glare of the sun. She glanced up at the young man, who quickly started off in the other direction, his cheeks warming in embarrassment.


What was that about? He was just standing there, staring at me...


Sara frowned, her head swimming with confusion. Suddenly the part of her mind focused on logical thinking kicked in, and she felt her own cheeks now blushing with embarasment.


I was putting lotion on... under my shirt... and he was staring at me... gods, Sara, your so stupid! What, do you think you're special? He probably thinks your some kind of weirdo now...


Sara smacked her forehead, despaired that her own naive and foolish mind had played such a trick on her, then was immediately sorry as the sunburn on her forehead began to sting painfully. She groaned, then laid back against the chair, accepting her sullen fate. She closed her eyes and relaxed as the cool sea breeze wafted over her. Just as she was drifting off to sleep, the pain in her forehead flared up painfully, startling her into full awarement. Her eyes snapped open just in time to see a multi-colored beach ball bouncing away. To her immense surprise, the young male surfer from before bent to retrieve the ball, then jogged over to her, concern and guilt plainly written on his handsome face.


"Sorry about that... oh man, I broke your necklace." He said, studying to something on the beach floor. Sara sat still for a moment, rubbing her slightly aching forehead, but managed to give him a weak smile.


"Oh that's okay. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm...and don't worry about my necklace.. I don't think it's..." she trailed off as she looked down to find the object of the man's distress. Her mother's beloved golden cross lay in the sand, glinting in the afternoon sun. It now bore several dents, and the slight silver chain was lying in the sand next to it, several broken links apparent. She gasped in surprise, then quickly found herself immersed in guilt and sadness as she picked up the mangled keepsake. The necklace had been her only link to her deceased mother, and now she had degraded her memory by allowing it to be broken in such a ridiculous situation.


Mom, I'm so sorry...


Sara jumped slightly as she felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up to see the surfer dude kneeling in front of her on the sand, his tenor voice inquiring if she was allright or not.


"Oh, sorry, I'm fine." She smiled sheepishly, and he smiled back, then gently took the cross necklace from her hand. He studied it for a moment, then looked back into her eyes.


"This necklace is really special to you, isn't it?" he asked, his voice soft and full of tenderness.


"Yeah.. it was my mom's.... she gave it to me just a few days before she died.." Unbidden tears welled up in her eyes as she told him, and he put a comforting hand on her shoulder.


"I'm sure she's still watching out for you. Why don't you come on over to my house? We'll see if we can get this fixed up... and maybe I'll get to know you a little bit better," he said, smiling as he finished his sentence. Sara looked at him in shock for a second, then nodded.


"That sounds like a good idea to me. But, well... what's your name?" she asked, biting her bottom lip, her freckled forehead creasing with nervousness. The surfer dude laughed at himself, then playfully smacked his forehead in a gesture of forgetfulness.


"Geez, I havent even introduced myself! I'm Ronnie. Ronnie Makron." He offered his hand, and Sara tentatively gave hers, and was surprised when he lifted it to his face and gave it a quick kiss.


"I'm... Sara." She managed to say, blushing furiously. Ronnie picked up her bag, slinging it over his shoulder, then took her hand gently, tucking it under his arm. Without another word, they began walking towards the boardwalk. Halfway there, Sara stopped, then turned to Ronnie questioningly.


"How.... how come... I mean, earlier, I probably looked like..." she stopped herself, then began blushing again. Ronnie just smiled, and continued walking, pulling her along.


"I think me and you are going to be friends for a while... besides, I thought you were cute... little freckles and all." Then it was his turn to blush. Sara felt herself blushing as well, and they gazed at each other for a moment before bursting into outright laughter.


On the beach, a butterfly floated over the abandoned beach chair, glowing under the afternoon sun with an ethereal aura. Anyone who noticed the beautiful butterfly could have sworn that she smiled as the new couple walked down the boardwalk, hand in hand.

[Anna L.]

Sweet. He seems so nice, and it's funny how she's subject to perpetual embarrassment. I like it. I imagine Sara's mother feels that the necklace was broken in a good cause.

[Odanion]

Nicely written, I love romance stories that have a good ending like this, love at first sight kind of things are so nice to see and I agree with the above post, I am pretty sure her mother is looking down and smiling knowing her necklace breaking could very well be the reason those two are getting together, this is a great story and even though there are a few grammar errors (heck I make them all the time :p ) it did not make it harder or less enjoyable to read

[RENA HANDS]

I disagree, spelling and the correct punctuation makes the flow of the story. The word is embarrassment. What is awarement? The word you wanted, amazement? The word is all right. The word is haven't. The spacing might be too much.

The following suggestions; "...despaired that her own naive and foolish mind had played such a trick on her and then was immediately.." "She groaned and then laid back against the car," "She gasped in surprise, quickly finding herself immersed in guilt..." "He studied it for a moment and then looked back into her eyes." "...isn't it?" he asked his voice soft and..." "Sara looked at him in shock for a second and then nodded." "The surfer dud laughed at himself and then playfully smacked his forehead in a gesture of forgetfulness." "...slinging it over his shoulder and then took her hand gently.." "Halfway there, Sara stopped and then turned to Ronnie questioningly." "...she stopped herself and then began blushing again." "...God, Sara, you're so stupid!"

The story is lacking much detail; why is the necklace so important? In these times a young woman(girl) would just walk off with some stranger? The description of the beach, its public audience, the story behind the necklace and its relationship between mother and daughter. I am not hesitant to state the story is extremely abrupt.

[waiting4godot]

hey , your story is quite "delicious" lol, I really apreciate it . Normally Sara should not agree to go with the first just for his promise to mend her necklace; yet logic when faced to heart and emotions power is unlikely to win . This implied face to face bewtween emotions and logic is to me a power point in your story . GO On!

[waiting4godot]

hey , your story is quite "delicious" lol, I really apreciate it . Normally Sara should not agree to go with the firstcomer just for his promise to mend her necklace; yet logic when faced to heart and emotions power is unlikely to win . This implied face to face bewtween emotions and logic is to me a power point in your story . GO On!

[spinx]

I Liked This One Very Much !!!!!!

[Star_Princess]

I think this story was very sweet The characters look like they're really likeable people. The situation they're in is like any situation anyone can be in and then something unexpected happens. So in a way, I think it's realistic. But I also think it's way too fast paced, so it's kinda unrealistic too. The ending looks like it suggests they're already a happy couple that's in love. I think that went a little too quickly. It might be more interesting if they had started off as friends there and to her in her mind, she could probably think that she has just met someone who could become very special to her in the future. Just my opinion though. I guess that's what I would do if I was writing something like this. But the whole thing is good generally. I like the idea

[suresh15]

I liked the story! It's very simple, straight-forward and touching. A good read indeed.

[WillFreeman]

I have a couple questions. How does a beach ball that hits her in the forehead manage to break her necklace? When one describes a beachball, I think of a harmless, multi-colored, plastic sphere. This ball managed to DENT a cross around her neck? Also, if the woman is wearing a shirt, why is she putting sun tan lotion on underneath it? I honestly can't think of a solution to the first, but perhaps if she were wearing a bikini and put the lotion on her chest? That might work.

I think it's a stretch to call them a new couple. The butterfly obviously implies new life, etc. Just saying two people hand in hand would be enough.

Amusing story though.

[WorldWarCheese]

She glanced out from under the rims of her pink plastic spectacles to watch a cute surf dude walk by

Nice alliteration with the spectacles. Also, the use of the term "dude" with "surf" instead of surfer is clever since the common stereotype has the surfer use the word "dude" alot. This was a solid sentence that showed a good amount of thought or natural talent into the use of individual word choice (one or the other).

metallic colored combs

This sounded a bit off. Metal and color may have been appropriate but when I think of something that looked metallic I don't usually refer to it as a color since I normally assume it is simply made of the stuff. It is also an un-needed addition to the story. While description is a good thing, you can go over the top with it.

While this isn't really a big case of the problem of over-describing a scene or object, I'll use it to warn you against such a thing. Remember, this isn't a High School Essay, you don't have a word/page minimum and can make it as long or short as you like. And sometimes cutting down is a good thing. Ask yourself: Is this necessary for the story? Is this object vital to explain?

I'm not saying be a minimalist, for I myself am far from that, but that sometimes less is more.

(Wow, so much over two little words. It's overkill, but lessons will pop up anywhere)

studying the label of her economy-sized sunscreen bottle

If she owns it and already had it in her purse why is she studying it? Wouldn't she just take it out and start to put it on instead?

walked by, his tanned arm clutching a worn and aged surf board, looked

When you make a sentence with an interjection surrounded by commas make sure the sentence makes sense when you take out the part between them. Does "walked by looked" sound like a good sentence to you?

Try "walked by, his tanned arm clutching a worn and aged surf board, and looked" or rearrange the sentence a little more.

She closed the bottle and slipped it back into her bag, then realized that a shadow had fallen over her, momentarily blocking the glare of the sun.

The commas and length of this sentence make it awkward. Try breaking it into chunks or rearranging it. "She closed the bottle and slipped it into her bag. She then realized... etc etc etc
Like that. Sentences that get overly long tend to get overly confusing which breaks the flow of a story. If you can make one sentence into three, make it into at least two. The idea still comes across, but clearer this time and easier for the reader to understand.

What was that about? He was just standing there, staring at me...

Italicizing internal thoughts is a good way to set it apart from narrative and have it stand out a bit, which it should since it's what a character is thinking themselves.

Sara frowned, her head swimming with confusion. Suddenly the part of her mind focused on logical thinking kicked in, and she felt her own cheeks now blushing with embarasment.

This was a bit awkward to read. While she may be confused "swimming" sounds a bit harsh or strong for something like this. Remember, a dude was staring at her on the beach she wasn't just given a Japanese Water Puzzle to solve or else her friend drowns. (I like to use "swimming" when there's an element of urgency, myself. The water tone makes it sound like the possibility of drowning yourself in confusion is nice).

You've used "suddenly" a couple times now, repetition breeds boredom for a reader. What I like to do is when I see myself using the same word over and over is take out a thesaurus and find a new word that conveys the same meaning.

I was putting lotion on... under my shirt... and he was staring at me... gods, Sara, your so stupid

Again, italics. Also, don't use so many "..." it breaks up the sentence too much and makes her seem a little slow. While people pause when they think, use "..." for abnormally extended pauses such as after a person is asked a particularly awkward question and says: Errr....

then was immediately sorry as the sunburn on her forehead began to sting painfull

I liked this line. It made me laugh XD

accepting her sullen fate

Again, this sounds a little strong or harsh. It was one dude who thinks she's weird. She's not Fate Bound to live life alone because of that once incidence and the like.

pain in her forehead flared up painfully

Pain flared up painfully? Again, thesaurus this.

I broke your necklace.

How did hitting her on the forehead with a ball break her necklace? Readers will ask these continuity questions.

immersed in guilt

Guilt seems odd here. She didn't break the necklace; he did.

Unbidden tears welled up in her eyes as she told him

She cries easy. <-- Simply an observation on the character, not your style.

I'm sure she's still watching out for you.

Was she watching out for her before? This confused the hell outa me.

and maybe I'll get to know you a little bit better

Heh heh. Subtle.

That sounds like a good idea to me.

This seems awkward to vocalize and she already nodded. Is this something you'd actually say to a person or would "Sounds good" or "Okay" be more accurate? Try to think of what people actually say in situations, if they'd say anything at all.

The story was cute, but a little confusing. Why is the mother looking out for her? What was so terrible about her death? If I were you I'd expand upon the mother-daughter relationship a LOT. For such a major part of the story it's almost completely neglected, only getting half a sentence's worth.

You have a good attention to detail and a larger vocab then myself, it's just things like italics and "..." and developing your story more that you should focus on right now. Keep up the good work, PM me if you have other stories you'd like me to read.

[kominbhai]

A simple feel-good story.
Sadly, nothing more.
Less detail given for the characters in contrast to the more unwanted detail given to a mere plot device like the necklace.
Still, a good read for romantic story fans.

[WorldWarCheese]

Less detail given for the characters in contrast to the more unwanted detail given to a mere plot device like the necklace.

Very good point.

[smokeytehmonstr]

The hardest part of writing a short story is that every single word has to have strong significance, whether that significance is stylistic or plot-driven. Unfortunately, as others have pointed out, you made some decisions that didn't make sense in either a stylistic or a plot driven sense. I'll give you some credit for attempting, because short stories aren't easy. However, I just wish you would have given some of your main character's actions more significance. What does her persistent suntanning (despite her already painful sunburn) say about her self-esteem? Does she act coy while reading the ingredients of the sunscreen in an attempt to attract the attention of passing "surf dudes", or is she really just ADD? Obviously, you can't come out and say any of those things, but you can allude to them in a way that makes sense to the reader.

Also...I can't help but comment on the abrupt ending. I'll assume that you're going to continue the story and leave the closing sentences alone for the moment, but I have a major problem with the whole "wanna come back to my place so I can fix the necklace?" exchange. Another reviewer commented that emotions can easily trump good sense. Well, I can agree with that, but I don't get the sense of overwhelming emotions in your writing, so the situation feels like an incredibly laughable cliche. Make no mistake--I think it can work, but you need to illustrate the internal emotional turmoil leading up to her decision, ok?

And I did like it--like most beach reads, it was light, fluffy, and fun.

[beverent]

Too many details but somehow I haven't felt anything in this. Put much more feelings into it. I hope to read more of your works though.

[marty2shorty]

I like the contrast between the two guys that obviously have a crush on the girl.

Pale Pervert to Knight in Suntanned Skin

Anyways, much of it didn't make sense to me. Crosses don't get dented, especially by beach balls. People don't suntan with their shirts on. Do butterflies hang around beaches?

[petsam007]

very good description, but i agree that a ball smacking the forehead cant actually do in any way break the necklace.but, certainly the ending and the way u completed the story was good. kudos to you!!!