[Fumus]

A first person romantic comedy. Ryan had always dreamed of getting another shot at his high school crush Lia. One day Lia appears in Ryan's life again...


I used to dream about what I would say or do if I had another chance to talk to Lia McMowbray. As sudden as a lightning strike, she was just sitting there right before my very eyes. I was in the library basement when I noticed her sitting at a large reading table. I quickly grabbed a random book off a nearby shelf and pretended to read it.

Seeing her again made her name ring through my brain, it was like a cheesy pop song that gets stuck in your head all day. “Lia McMowbray”- the name just sort of rolls off your tongue. Her name sounded to me like it was part daytime soap character and part comic book vixen.

She looked the same as the image frozen in my memory. Lia had dark hair with matching dark features, fair but not pale skin and crystal blue eyes. Lia smiled intensely as she continued to read deeper into her art book. My gaze dropped from Lia’s face to better examine her body. Lia had kept herself in very good physical shape for her college years. She had lost the excess weight that most college students gain in their early years away from home. Lia was a perfect specimen of all I desired in a woman and she always had been.

I’d been sitting silently across from Lia at a large wooden table in the annals of the library for a few minutes. Students busily bustled all around us combing the library archives for literature to research and study. I continually glanced up from my book to see if she noticed me.

Cats are timid when confronted by larger animals. If I was a cat then Lia was my larger animal. I just wanted to curl up into a ball. Lia began to pack up her books and quickly stuff them into her bag one by one. I felt a sense of immediate urgency. “C’mon! C’mon! Out with it! Speak now! Don’t let her get away!” I urged myself.

In my head it was suddenly the last minutes of the fourth quarter in a football game and my team was down by a few scores; I had to take a shot and throw a hail marry up.

“Hey, Lia!” I said out loud in a most abrupt fashion. I knew full well that sitting here and waiting for her to just talk to me as I hid behind my book wouldn’t work. The strategy of hiding from her hadn’t worked my whole life.

“Ubb, Hey!” she said. Lia continued to pack her books and other art supplies into her bag. Her eyes were still scanning trying desperately to identify the stranger who said her name.

“Are you in my Astronomy class this semester?” Lia asked, grasping for straws. I shook my head in a defiant no. The hail marry pass I had just thrown had suddenly been intercepted and was now being run back by the opposing team.

“Oh of course, Lia McMowbray doesn’t remember you, she didn’t even know you at all in high school”, I discouragingly thought to myself.

My mind drifted away from the moment, I thought about our history and what exactly I should say next. Lia was my crush in 2nd and 3rd grade but, she hadn’t known that because I pushed, hit, teased, and made fun of her every chance I had in elementary school. I wanted to make sure no one knew about my secret crush, most of all Lia McMowbray.

I switched schools and I didn’t see Lia again until high school. By the time I was in high school, she was firmly established in the exclusive, cool, good looking and popular crowd. I had always strived to run with that crowd but somehow I always fell short. I never tried talking with her because I always wanted to have the secret fantasy that some day she would be my girlfriend. I knew that by talking to her, I would only ruin my fantasy because in reality she would never date a guy like me. After graduation Lia had gone to a private art school downstate seemingly never to be heard from or seen again. Now she had reappeared in my life, and I had just embarrassed myself royally in front of her.

“Ryan, right?” she asked. “She knows your name, now for a witty response!” I thought to myself excitedly.

“Actually I changed my name to Guillermo, in a desperate attempt to seem more Argentinean” I said sarcastically, searching hard for a laugh somewhere.

She laughed, revealing her famous smile to me once again. Finally it seemed one of those hail marrys passes had resulted in a touchdown.

“Is that a real name?” she asked still half chuckling.

“Well, sure it is. Don’t you watch tennis at all? It seems to me half of Argentina is named Guillermo,” I said continuing to joke.

“What are you doing at SUNY, I mean, transferring here senior year?” I asked.

“I hated art school, I am changing to a more practical major, political science,” she said in a sort of strange and sad tone of voice.

“Well, don’t give up on your dreams, I mean, I always thought you were a great artist,” I said encouragingly.

“Yeah, I haven’t, well, as you can see,” she said as she looked down at the pile of art books in front of her. Lia fingered the raised emblem on the cover of her renaissance art book, which lay in front of her. She sighed and looked back up at me.

“Are you a Feminism major or do you just read Feminist books for fun?” she said with a grin looking down at my book. The book I had randomly grabbed and was pretending to read was entitled “The Feminist Manifesto”.

“Ohh, um, yea, well I uh…” I said blushing.

“You weren’t this big in high school, do you workout?” she asked. Lia had now moved to my side of the reading table and had taken a seat in the chair next to me.

“It might just be the shirt I am wearing,” I sarcastically proposed. I gave Lia a half smile, along with my best “you know I am full of shit! Of course I workout!", sort of look.

“Nooooo, you must workout, look at your arms!” Lia said as she began to pull my sleeves up and examine my arms with her hands. Lia’s eyes however, were now firmly locked with mine.

“Yea, you caught me, I go to the gym”, I said to her as we both began to laugh. The laughing eased the tension that I was beginning to feel. I took a big gulp before I asked the all important question.

“Do you want to hangout sometime? I mean, If you gave me your number?” I asked Lia the all-important question. “Rockets away!” I thought to myself.

“Hangout? You mean like what?” she asked with a completely blank unreadable face that a poker champion would be proud of. “Take evasive maneuvers!,” I thought to myself.

“Oh, yeah, just like whatever, you know” I replied to Lia. I thought that if she had any negative or positive connotations about hanging out it would show after I gave such an ambiguous response.

“Oh, yeah, that sounds cool” she said.

“Great, so I will call you sometime, and we will hangout” I said.

I took out the notebook that I had dedicated solely to doodling in class from my book bag and I handed Lia a pen. She neatly wrote her cell phone number just above the flaming head I drew in business law. I scribbled my own number across from hers and tore the number out of the notebook for her. I neatly folded up the piece of paper with Lia’s number on it and placed it gently in my pocket.

“See ya later” Lia said, after she packed up all of her art books. She smiled and then disappeared up the stairs. I sat at the table in awe for a moment trying to realize what had just happened.

I climbed up the marble stairs out of the basement. A thought began to trouble me. I kept thinking about Lia’s response to me asking her out. What did she mean? Did she mean she didn’t want it to be a romantic thing or she didn’t want it to be a friend thing? Was she just busting my balls because I was clearly nervous? I had to know, I raced up the stairs and out the front door of the library.

Outside of the library was a crowded mess as college students raced from one class to another. I didn’t see Lia anywhere, although she had just left minutes before me. I scanned the crowd as I walked around the campus courtyard.

I found Lia eventually but my heart sank and my eyes grew wide as I saw her. Lia was at a distance but it looked as if she was with another guy. As I walked closer to her I realized it was indeed a guy. The guy was about her age, very stylishly dressed and good looking. “Figures she would date a trendy artsy guy”, I thought to myself. Lia and her now apparent boyfriend were hugging affectionately just like couples do. Lia kissed him on his cheek.

I felt the number located in my pocket; it was folded so delicately. I took the number out and looked at it. I didn’t see a number anymore; I only saw an old fantasy in my hands. I ripped the number up and I let the wind blow the pieces of notebook paper out of my hands. “I’m so stupid, of course she has a boyfriend. How could you ever have a chance?” I thought to myself.

As the pieces of the paper floated and danced away in the wind, I felt like something had been lifted from me. My fantasy, which I had been harboring all these years, was now gone, blowing away quietly in the wind. “Now you can move on,” I thought to myself. A painful and sudden depression set in as I gazed upon Lia and her man.

As suddenly and heavily as my depression had come, it disappeared just as quickly. I had now walked close enough to notice the rainbow triangle on Lia’s would-be boyfriend’s book bag. Suddenly it all made sense, that wasn’t Lia’s boyfriend, he was gay.

[Gurdit]

This is not a bad story at all, Fumus! I think you mentioned somewhere that this is your first story? It's quite impressive. There were a few suggestions I had, but since I read the story a lot while editing it, I'm feeling too lazy to read it again and quote them out, but I'm sure some of our other members will definitely be posting some good critiques and solid suggestions for you

Keep writing.

[Fumus]

Originally Posted by tidruG

This is not a bad story at all, Fumus! I think you mentioned somewhere that this is your first story? It's quite impressive. There were a few suggestions I had, but since I read the story a lot while editing it, I'm feeling too lazy to read it again and quote them out, but I'm sure some of our other members will definitely be posting some good critiques and solid suggestions for you

Keep writing.

Thanks, yea it's my first short story...

Thanks again for all your help!

[S.Augustus]

I really enjoyed reading this!

[Fumus]

Thank you...SA

I have more stories like this on the way...if people actually do like it....

[Gurdit]

You should post them... having others read them and give you tips will only improve your writing.

[Fumus]

Looks like it's only you TG.

[Venomous Vixen]

As sudden as a lightning strike, she was just sitting there right before my very eyes. I was in the library basement when I noticed her sitting at a large reading table.

I would suggest a synonym for one of the "sitting"s used, maybe perched or something along those lines

Lia had kept herself in very good physical shape for her college years. She had lost the excess weight that most college students gain in their early years away from home.

This seems a bit contradictory, it sounds like you are saying she never gained the weight and then she lost it. Also, how would you know she lost the weight not having seen her in years?

I enjoyed this. You had me worried at the end there, but nice twist! Haha, he better run and get her number again. I like how you captured the male ego and how it lashes out abruptly when threatened, tearing up her number before finding out what was really going on.

I look forward to more from you!

[Razor]

She looked the same as the image frozen in my memory. Lia had dark hair with matching dark features, fair but not pale skin and crystal blue eyes. Lia smiled intensely as she continued to read deeper into her art book. My gaze dropped from Lia’s face to better examine her body. Lia had kept herself in very good physical shape for her college years. She had lost the excess weight that most college students gain in their early years away from home. Lia was a perfect specimen of all I desired in a woman and she always had been.

This paragraph is a little rough. Red really isn't needed. Always remember to streamline anything you write. Un-needed words or sentences really make it hard for a reader to get into your story. Orange is mis-wording, I believe you wanted "intently." Yellow is a little confusing.

Do you mean she gained weight and the lost it (if so, how does Ryan know?) or that she lost weight were others gained weight, or that she kept in shape while others gained weight.

Obviously the former Ryan wouldn't know. The second would be put across better with something like "she is in better shape now that she was in high school, and she has always had a good figure." The latter would be better stated with something along the lines of "she escaped the trap fall most girls have of gaining weight in college. She looks as good as the high school days." I don't know, something to make it more apparent of your meaning.

Also, there is humor in this, but its sparing and not very hard hitting. It's subtle which is fine, but I think you need some less subtle stuff too. Like this sentence:

Seeing her again made her name ring through my brain, it was like a cheesy pop song that gets stuck in your head all day. “Lia McMowbray”- the name just sort of rolls off your tongue. Her name sounded to me like it was part daytime soap character and part comic book vixen.

Yellow you could expand on this. "like one of those cheesy pop songs. I can just see the five preppy boys bouncing around like rat terriers with enough gel in their hair to drown a moose, flailing about in an attempt to dance, which looks more like an ancient Mayan mating ritual. And there in the midst of their joke of a band is the breath-taking Lia, hair flowing, lips perfectly perched, eyes blazing and body radiating sensual beauty...hmm.

Realizing I had become entranced by my own daydream, I quickly re-situate myself and take another long look at her as if telepathically trying to get her to notice me."

Really go for it. Sometimes if your humor is too subtle it goes un-noticed or the readers isn't sure whether you meant it to be funny or not. Like the ending. I think it's meant to be funny, but the way it is written, I don't know for sure. I mean the guy just ripped up the phone number for the girl of his dreams, because of some gay guy. That's a little sadistic, but funny. However, he doesn't seem too upset. So I would say explain, even if he isn't mad, tell us why. I mean does he walk up and ask for it again...and how does that go?

The last thing, make us relate your main character more. Tell us more about what he is thinking during each situation. Internal dialog can really help in this. Also how does he feel. Is it a roller coaster when he is talking to her? Oh god, why did I say that...oh nice save you suave dog. You know, play it up, and keep us up to date on his emotions.

Good story. The framework is there. Keep building on though and smoothing out the rough spots. A little expanding in a few areas would really enhance the story I think. Just remember that whatever you write, make sure it says everything you want to, in the least amount of words. Good job, keep it up.

[Fumus]

Originally Posted by Razor

This paragraph is a little rough. Red really isn't needed. Always remember to streamline anything you write. Un-needed words or sentences really make it hard for a reader to get into your story. Orange is mis-wording, I believe you wanted "intently." Yellow is a little confusing.

Do you mean she gained weight and the lost it (if so, how does Ryan know?) or that she lost weight were others gained weight, or that she kept in shape while others gained weight.

Obviously the former Ryan wouldn't know. The second would be put across better with something like "she is in better shape now that she was in high school, and she has always had a good figure." The latter would be better stated with something along the lines of "she escaped the trap fall most girls have of gaining weight in college. She looks as good as the high school days." I don't know, something to make it more apparent of your meaning.

Also, there is humor in this, but its sparing and not very hard hitting. It's subtle which is fine, but I think you need some less subtle stuff too. Like this sentence:



Yellow you could expand on this. "like one of those cheesy pop songs. I can just see the five preppy boys bouncing around like rat terriers with enough gel in their hair to drown a moose, flailing about in an attempt to dance, which looks more like an ancient Mayan mating ritual. And there in the midst of their joke of a band is the breath-taking Lia, hair flowing, lips perfectly perched, eyes blazing and body radiating sensual beauty...hmm.

Realizing I had become entranced by my own daydream, I quickly re-situate myself and take another long look at her as if telepathically trying to get her to notice me."

Really go for it. Sometimes if your humor is too subtle it goes un-noticed or the readers isn't sure whether you meant it to be funny or not. Like the ending. I think it's meant to be funny, but the way it is written, I don't know for sure. I mean the guy just ripped up the phone number for the girl of his dreams, because of some gay guy. That's a little sadistic, but funny. However, he doesn't seem too upset. So I would say explain, even if he isn't mad, tell us why. I mean does he walk up and ask for it again...and how does that go?

The last thing, make us relate your main character more. Tell us more about what he is thinking during each situation. Internal dialog can really help in this. Also how does he feel. Is it a roller coaster when he is talking to her? Oh god, why did I say that...oh nice save you suave dog. You know, play it up, and keep us up to date on his emotions.

Good story. The framework is there. Keep building on though and smoothing out the rough spots. A little expanding in a few areas would really enhance the story I think. Just remember that whatever you write, make sure it says everything you want to, in the least amount of words. Good job, keep it up.

Wow thanks a lot for the criticism, very insightful!

[WorldWarCheese]

Good story, it felt a little wierd that it was all "I had crushed on her forever and ever" kind of feeling at the end with the weight being lifted when he obviously just realized she was there for the first time a few minutes ago at the library.

But aside from that it was a good concept. Boy crushes on girl, boy has become more attractive to girl since last they met (muscles), boy realizes girl already had a boy and such.

Keep up the good work, you seem to know what you want to write about and it's working.

(You may be as good as me one day)

[WorldWarCheese]

Bit of advice stemmed from re-reading my "competition" for Most Recently Posted in Amateur Romance Story (grrrrrrrrr) and seeing this:

...if people actually do like it....

FUCK what other people think about it. Sure, it's nice if a person likes it or if it causes an angry reaction where they blow it all out of purportion and turn it into a big deal that begins both a blog war and some small story-writer's clique internet fame but is that why you wrote it?

I mean, I couldn't give two shits if people thought I was the worst writer in the Milky Way, I'd still make them and stick them here or some other site that'd have them regardless. If whether you write new stories or not depends on if some random group of faceless, anonymous, internet entities enjoy your story or now then, well, quit now because you piss me off. (If not, take this tirade as a warning from becoming what I'm describing).

Anyhoo, like I said: You have potential, and from one Amateur Romance Section Writer to another: don't stop if it's really what you want to do and now go read muh storay. (2nd link in signature)

[suresh15]

This story looks strange to me on the first place. But I have read it with full interest. Congrats author!