[smoky_wiky]

Synopsis: Hi people, this is a story about a girl and a guy who find the real meaning of true love. Seems to be quite the same old story of love ,but lemme tell ya ,love is eternal and it speeds off in every land without a barrier, may have same meaning but takes place in different colors.


Long ago, there happened to be a small town where girls were not given enough space to culminate their talent. They were deprived of education and considered downtrodden.
Shirley, a nineteen year old girl worked as a bar tender in a wrecked bar where big, fat, gropers had their relish of wine and damsels. Shirley was just another lamb, who served there, cause of her cruel uncle. She also had to face several tortures but was silent because no body was there to hear her plea.

One day, it was just like other scary nights in the bar filled with robbers and uncivilized men and she was serving beer to those men who were trying to fondle her. A guy had been watching her for long and couldn't stand the scene. He got up from the stool and gave a severe blow to the man. There was lots of hues and cries but the bar owner came up and brought the situation under control. After the bar was closed, Shirley thanked the young man for saving her. He was a twenty-two year old tourist with a pleasing smile on his face. They were having chit chats on Shirley's way back home. His words, his attitude simply pleased the young lady and she couldn't forget the wonderful night she had then. She reached her home and the young man named David reached his lobby were he had been staying for two days of his visit to this town. Every day he used to turn down to the bar and meet the pretty girl. They had wonderful time together talking, sharing their life stories and soon became great friends in a span of a month.

Days passed by and the girl realized a sudden hustle inside her heart as if she felt her heart speaking to her that " It is him, the guy you were in search of , the one to make you live a life of wonders and happiness..." But she hesitated to let him know. The guy was falling in love with Shirley as well, but feared that she might turn it down, so he was content with the friendship they had. But David was indeed worried for her, by this time he had realized that Shirley had untapped talent in her, a voice to mesmerize millions and looks that could warn pretty men bout her. He wanted her to come out of that wicked place with him and venture the land were dreams come true. So, he said it to Shirley who was also enthusiastic bout the offer. But the barrier was her uncle who would never let her go. David told him bout the riches she would earn in that land and the millions he would play with. He lured him of the wealth he shall have pretty soon as her niece turns into a star. He immediately agreed and Shirley went along with David to the place where her dreams were going to be true. She met many directors, music men and gave her audition. She started working in a theatre were she really worked well and was seen by thousands of people everyday. She was applauded and cheered by many stars and eventually directors of great movies turned on to sign her in their movies. Her happiness knew no bound and within 2 years her luck started shining and she became a great enthralling star.

Seeing this all, though David was extremely happy and content, but the love within him for Shirley was still alive and he was loving her the same way as he did when she was just an ordinary simple girl. But still the fear within him was there. The fear of rejection, the fear of losing this wonderful friend. And he remained silent. Moreover, he was thinking that now that she is a star, so she might no longer like to have a friend who lives in rags. In the meantime, Shirley was all enchanted by the riches she was laden up with. After such a fastidious career, now she was waiting for her dream man who would be as wealthy as her and she can live a lovely life with him.

A famous tour was being organized for the stars of a movie in which she had played her role, so she had gone up along with her co-stars to a sanctuary, where she found the beautiful wild life and the harmony co-existing amongst them. The tour guide was explaining them all bout it and the life they have here. “…After all, we all belong in here as well, our life no matter safe, secure and harmonious in here, but all we need is a companion who understands us, our needs and gives us the warmth that we need, and these animals find it all here and love to be in this place. They could be there in zoo, in circus where they would get good food to eat and thousands of people applauding their tricks, but won’t find the comfort and warmth they have with their very own family, their own types…” These were the words of the guide that stunned the marvelous actress for a time and made her go back in blacks to the past where she met that love of her who made her fulfill her dream. She realized it’s him, with whom she can have that warmth, the life most enchanted even when all her wealth, all her beauty is lost. She recalled the days when she and David were together and love filled eyes in David for her made her realize that it was him, the man of his life. The day he was stammering to say her something but he couldn’t, the care, the touch everything was simply dazzling before her and she could wait no longer.


She went up to him after the tour and found him packing his luggage as if was to leave the town for ever. She asked him, where was he going and he said,”I have achieved everything I wanted from my life, a good house, a good life and yes! A great friend and fulfilling her dreams, sharing some moments with her were even great! That’s all I wanted and now I must leave…”
Tears filled in eyes, Shirley says, “I still have my dreams unfulfilled, I still lack the greatest pleasure in my life. It’s you. I’ m sorry for breaking your heart as I was all Blinded by the riches and didn’t notice the true love you had for me. Will you marry me? I’m still in the rags, I am still hungry, hungry for love and that love confides in you, please fulfill my this dream as well..” and she sobbed leaning against him.

Love is true no matter how much you hide it, same was for David. He had loved Shirley truly and couldn’t leave her this way. He happily accepted her as his wife and together they lived a happy life forever and ever.


It’s a fact that true love is hard to find and must say, when you get it, never try to lose it by your silly thoughts, because true love is like a gem which you store in your heart, the treasury of your life and the only treasure that gives you real happiness of life.

[Jimbalaya]

Originally Posted by smoky_wiky

Long ago, there happened to be a small town where girls were not given enough space to culminate their talent. (I would rework this first sentence. Does there really "happen" to be a town anywhere? Just seems odd to me.) They were deprived of education and considered downtrodden.

Shirley, a nineteen year old girl worked as a bar tender in a wrecked bar (You already used the word bar once here, maybe replace the second with "establishment" or some such word to describe the building itself.) where big, fat, gropers had their relish of wine and damsels. Shirley (You established who you are referring to in this paragraph already. You could probably replace this "Shirley, with the word "She".) was just another lamb, who served there, cause (Because) of her cruel uncle. She also had to face several tortures but was silent because (Maybe delete this "because" and reword the sentence or just put a comma in there.) no body was there to hear her plea.

One day, it was just like other scary nights in the bar filled with robbers and uncivilized men and she was serving beer to those men who were trying to fondle her. (This sentence contradicts itself. Using "One day" and "other scary nights" conflicts and throws the reader off. Maybe rework the opening of this paragraph.) A guy had been watching her for long (time) and couldn't stand the scene. He got up from the stool and gave a severe blow to the man. (Think you could use an expansion here, describe the fight a little more and the emotions of the man. This part begs to be read but the reader is left unsatified. More is good.) There was lots of hues and cries but the bar owner came up and brought the situation under control. After the bar was closed, Shirley thanked the young man for saving her. (Saving her from what? From being groped? There is no real explanation that Shirley was offended by this, or that she was in any kind of distress.) (Maybe a new paragraph here, describing the young man in detail.) He was a twenty-two year old tourist with a pleasing smile on his face. They were having chit chats on Shirley's way back home. His words, his attitude (What words and attitude?) simply pleased the young lady and she couldn't forget the wonderful night she had then. (What wonders?) She reached her home and the young man named David reached his lobby were he had been staying for two days of his visit to this town. Every day he used to turn down to the bar and meet the pretty girl. They had wonderful time together talking, sharing their life stories and soon became great friends in a span of a month. (Again, this part begs to be expanded and details filled in. What happened in that span of a month? I'm not saying fill in a bunch of stuff for every day, but a few days here, an experience there, a date, etc., etc.)

Days passed by and the girl realized a sudden hustle inside her heart as if she felt her heart (Used "heart already, maybe a voice speaking to her?) speaking to her that " It is him, the guy you were in search of , the one to make you live a life of wonders and happiness..." But she hesitated to let him know. The guy was falling in love with Shirley as well, but feared that she might turn it down, so he was content with the friendship they had. But David was indeed worried for her, by this time he had realized that Shirley had untapped talent in her, a voice to mesmerize millions and looks that could warn pretty men bout her. He wanted her to come out of that wicked place with him and venture the land were dreams come true. (What land is this you speak of? I got the sense that David is from another reality. If this is not so, then maybe rework this part.) So, he said it to Shirley who was also enthusiastic bout the offer. But the barrier was her uncle who would never let her go. (How old are these two anyway? If they are still kids, then I can see the hold that the Uncle has over her, if they are adults, the Uncle should have not hold over her.) David told him bout the riches she would earn in that land and the millions he would play with. He lured him of the wealth he shall have pretty soon as her niece turns into a star. He immediately agreed and Shirley went along with David to the place where her dreams were going to be true. She met many directors, music men and gave her audition. She started working in a theatre were she really worked well and was seen by thousands of people everyday. She was applauded and cheered by many stars and eventually directors of great movies turned on to sign her in their movies. Her happiness knew no bound(s) and within 2 years her luck started shining and she became a great enthralling star. (The time lapse of two years in the span of a couple of sentences? Again, expand a little, maybe fill in some of the details about the auditions, or the theater. What were her emotions during the span of this trying period?)

Seeing this all, though David was extremely happy and content, but the love within him for Shirley was still alive and he was loving her the same way as he did when she was just an ordinary simple girl. But still the fear within him was there. The fear of rejection, the fear of losing this wonderful friend. And he remained silent. Moreover, he was thinking that now that she is a star, so she might no longer like to have a friend who lives in rags. In the meantime, Shirley was all enchanted by the riches she was laden up with. After such a fastidious career, now she was waiting for her dream man who would be as wealthy as her and she can live a lovely life with him. (A little beter with the emotions, but I felt that they were just there with nothing to base them on. I understand that he loves her, but not why? What is so special about her?)

I'll stop here. I hope you understand what I mean. Also, I've noticed a single space after your sentences. Between the ending of one sentence and the beginning of others, there should be a double space.

A famous tour was being organized for the stars of a movie in which she had played her role, so she had gone up along with her co-stars to a sanctuary, where she found the beautiful wild life and the harmony co-existing amongst them. The tour guide was explaining them all bout it and the life they have here. “…After all, we all belong in here as well, our life no matter safe, secure and harmonious in here, but all we need is a companion who understands us, our needs and gives us the warmth that we need, and these animals find it all here and love to be in this place. They could be there in zoo, in circus where they would get good food to eat and thousands of people applauding their tricks, but won’t find the comfort and warmth they have with their very own family, their own types…” These were the words of the guide that stunned the marvelous actress for a time and made her go back in blacks to the past where she met that love of her who made her fulfill her dream. She realized it’s him, with whom she can have that warmth, the life most enchanted even when all her wealth, all her beauty is lost. She recalled the days when she and David were together and love filled eyes in David for her made her realize that it was him, the man of his life. The day he was stammering to say her something but he couldn’t, the care, the touch everything was simply dazzling before her and she could wait no longer.


She went up to him after the tour and found him packing his luggage as if was to leave the town for ever. She asked him, where was he going and he said,”I have achieved everything I wanted from my life, a good house, a good life and yes! A great friend and fulfilling her dreams, sharing some moments with her were even great! That’s all I wanted and now I must leave…”
Tears filled in eyes, Shirley says, “I still have my dreams unfulfilled, I still lack the greatest pleasure in my life. It’s you. I’ m sorry for breaking your heart as I was all Blinded by the riches and didn’t notice the true love you had for me. Will you marry me? I’m still in the rags, I am still hungry, hungry for love and that love confides in you, please fulfill my this dream as well..” and she sobbed leaning against him.

Love is true no matter how much you hide it, same was for David. He had loved Shirley truly and couldn’t leave her this way. He happily accepted her as his wife and together they lived a happy life forever and ever.


It’s a fact that true love is hard to find and must say, when you get it, never try to lose it by your silly thoughts, because true love is like a gem which you store in your heart, the treasury of your life and the only treasure that gives you real happiness of life.

This story has amazing potential, but the gaps between times and descriptions need work. I think this story could be expanded into several parts. Maybe throw another hitch in their giddyup if you know what I mean. An obstacle for them to overcome. If you rework it some, I'd love to read it again. I want to know what happens between the lines.

[WorldWarCheese]

First off: What the fuck, my story's bumped down to below #3 without a read and this shows up and gets immediate attention? I'm sorry, but I feel jipped and a little annoyed especially since mine is a second chapter to a story that got a shit-ton of responses. I may be a whiney annoying douchebag right now, but fuck all if I don't feel somehow justified.

THE REAL POST: (Oh and smoky, you don't have anything to do with that first part, you just posted a story 's all, sorry for that)

I agree with BTLOM in that time gaps and lack of "fleshing out" certain parts of the story are parts that keep it from being better. It sounds like it would actually make a great multi-level story of some sort.

The main problem I see is the read itself. It's rather dry, lacking personality and character. I never once empathized with the characters (Okay, I lied. I did at one single line, but less because of the character saying it and more for the words they said*). It was like reading a history text. You list events and names and some personal emotions and feelings, but there is no emotion in the reading.

You list how shitty it was for Shirly to work at the bar and how David rescued her. Great. Go into detail. Describe the bar, the scene, the smell, the people there. Individual acts of cruelty by her uncle. Don't SAY he beat her, DESCRIBE the beatings.

Don't SAY David rescued her, DESCRIBE the rescue itself. Was he hurt? How did he do it? What exactly happened.

The PLOT-LINE is good, but the STORY itself reads like it's notes in a list format. You seem to have a good grasp of what you want the story to be and where things will go, and if you used this as a guideline for other stories it could turn out well since the message is good, but the way you tell it is just so bland.

IMO you have great potential with your imagination for where a story should go (a quality I wish I have very much) but you need to really work on how you get there (ie how you tell the story itself).

*For the record, here's the line I liked:

The guy was falling in love with Shirley as well, but feared that she might turn it down, so he was content with the friendship they had.

[smoky_wiky]

Originally Posted by WorldWarCheese

First off: What the fuck, my story's bumped down to below #3 without a read and this shows up and gets immediate attention? I'm sorry, but I feel jipped and a little annoyed especially since mine is a second chapter to a story that got a shit-ton of responses. I may be a whiney annoying douchebag right now, but fuck all if I don't feel somehow justified.

THE REAL POST: (Oh and smoky, you don't have anything to do with that first part, you just posted a story 's all, sorry for that)

I agree with BTLOM in that time gaps and lack of "fleshing out" certain parts of the story are parts that keep it from being better. It sounds like it would actually make a great multi-level story of some sort.

The main problem I see is the read itself. It's rather dry, lacking personality and character. I never once empathized with the characters (Okay, I lied. I did at one single line, but less because of the character saying it and more for the words they said*). It was like reading a history text. You list events and names and some personal emotions and feelings, but there is no emotion in the reading.

You list how shitty it was for Shirly to work at the bar and how David rescued her. Great. Go into detail. Describe the bar, the scene, the smell, the people there. Individual acts of cruelty by her uncle. Don't SAY he beat her, DESCRIBE the beatings.

Don't SAY David rescued her, DESCRIBE the rescue itself. Was he hurt? How did he do it? What exactly happened.

The PLOT-LINE is good, but the STORY itself reads like it's notes in a list format. You seem to have a good grasp of what you want the story to be and where things will go, and if you used this as a guideline for other stories it could turn out well since the message is good, but the way you tell it is just so bland.

IMO you have great potential with your imagination for where a story should go (a quality I wish I have very much) but you need to really work on how you get there (ie how you tell the story itself).

*For the record, here's the line I liked:

Thank you dear friend.Your suggestions are really nice and i am sure when incorporated in the story shall make it worth reading and interesting. I shall surely follow those guidelines you have mentioned and amend it worth readable and enjoyable. Thanks again!

[WorldWarCheese]

Haha, anytime, mate. If it sounded too harsh, I'm sorry. Like I said: you seem to have the mind of a story writer you just need the whole writing and detail aspect of one. Oh, and since you're following my advice, go read muh stories

[Corneac]

Oh so stop sseop the shamelesss self-promotion, if they wanna read your stories they will...gosh...

[WorldWarCheese]

A subtle push in the right direction never hurt anyone, and note the "shameless" aspect of all of this.

Anyhoo, you posted a non-thread or story related post. Ban plz.

[suresh15]

It is a good read and the author successfully narrated the theme very well!

[Celluloiddream]

I like it. I think theres a lot of room for expansion though. Maybe some more detail about the characters interactions? Id like to know more.

[petsam007]

ah, im back. ok, the story is very nice, though, being a person living in india for the last 19 years, i find it rather familiar, probably too familiar to actually appreciate it. the content, i think is very dry, i agree with someone commenting earlier, the details would have made it a lot better and also intriguing. but the history like emotionless narration spoiled the feel of the story. i think you should have split the story into several episodes if it was possible. overall, a good read. nice going, and keep writing......