[rush666]

The Beautiful Girl

Maggie Marie Thomas, what a beautiful face thought Steven, from the back of the classroom. Another pointless day locked up inside of school, where there was no way to imagine, no way to entertain, and no freedoms. Steven had always been curious as to what type of person Maggie was, she always got asked out on dates, but never went on any. She was very quiet, shy, laid back, with such a tender face, and eyes, that just made anyone smile.

As school let out Steven decided to approach Maggie. "Hi my name is Steven, I do not know if you know who I am, I sit in the back of your math class." "Oh ummm hi." said Maggie "I was just wondering if you would like to do something sometime, maybe go out to eat?" "I do not think so, I have a lot of work to do."

Steven could not understand, he was polite, but it just seemed as if Maggie was scared for some reason. He could not figure out why, but she seemed like a lost soul, someone whom had been hurt before. He decided not to approach Maggie for awhile, let her be, he did not want to bother her, he was not a boy of much anyways. Most of the girls at school, felt Steven was ugly, not worth anytime, not as popular, or good looking as the boys, who played baseball, and football.

Maggie was always hit on by the guys. She was very pretty on the outside, long dark hair, with blue eyes, with a shade of green. At school she was not out going, only outgoing in expressing her self in class. A straight A student, that was surely heading off to college, to become successful.

Steven new all this, but was the only one, the rest of the guys in the locker room would just snicker about how sexy Maggie was. How they would like to have her grind on there dicks, and smack her ass. One day in the locker room it had become to much for Steven. "Hey stop talking about Maggie like that, it is not right to talk about someone that way." It was an outcry that received little attention, so Steven just decided to give up, no one cared about him anyways, what was the point?

It was at lunch, one day that Maggie decided to sit next to Steven. Steven surprised, and not knowing what to say said "Oh hi uhh how are you doing Maggie." "Ok, I just want you to know, that it's not that I do not like you or anything, it's just it's so hard to trust so many guys around here, they all tell me how beautiful I am, but I can see they do not really mean it." "I know" said Steven. I'm not understood either, people laugh at me, and view me has nothing. "Well you seem really nice, I would like to give you a chance if you would let me."

Steven walked home that day, shocked, but also excited. The guys at school would laugh at him, tease him, tell him he was not worthy of a girl like Maggie. The were all jealous, and not willing to realize what beauty really was. Maggie beautiful on the outside, was much more appreciated, for her warm smile, which displayed her beauty on the inside, more brightly.

[Lubesh]

You seem to overdo it with the commas and sometimes ur punctuation is missing the comma or period.

[Storiesmaniac]

"Steven new" - knew

" on there dicks" - their

As lubesh said you go a little overboard on commas, and sometimes you're sentence structure is hard to follow. But keep at it and this could be a great story.

[Wordsmyth]

THis is a really basic story. It has a good premise and could probably be expounded upon. I agree with sentence structure issue stated above. Keep working at it. You seem to be getting better with each post.

[Serac]

I thought it was nice. If I do anything wrong, (besides too much dialogue), it's that I use too many commas. That being the case, I didn't really notice it. Personally, I think it's about time the homely guy got the girl.

[BookWhale***]

it was nice. know only if ALL males at my school could learn when people are pretty on the outside, the are prettier than all the other girls... lol.

[Subconscious]

I thought this had a good hook, but there were some things that just didn't click for me. Your descriptions of Maggie sort of work against each other a little. You say she's shy and laid back...that may need some more imagery to explain it. Your character's and the narrator talk in the same paragraph. I'm new to writing short stories, but it seemed a little awkward to me. Do you plan on developing this more and making it longer?

[Elvisceration]

It was shite, really. Badly written, nothing going on with the story, clunking dialogue. Good laugh though, unintentionally I think

[Ambrose]

The commas are killing me?! Literally, Arghh.... I'm dead.

No, in all seriousness, you tell it like it is and I like that. The story may be basic but it definitely works. What matters most in a story in my opinion is that it captures something, anything, whether it be clear or arbitrary, beautiful or gross, et cetera. I like the image you painted of the "school boys" which I, and anyone else who's been through highschool, can completely relate to.

[Regina]

I liked that she gave Steven a chance. I also think Steven is a really good character. The only thing I had a problem with was the dialogue. It wasn't very realistic; i.e. "Hi my name is Steven, I do not know if you know who I am".....It sort of took away from the story.

[Keplaz]

You had a brilliant idea and whilst the execution didn't match your imagination, I think you have potential to write better stuff. The idea was good. Lonely not so good looking, regular Joe likes Prom Queen type Miss Popularity. She realises there must be something worth noting within him even if outside he may not be good looking. The kind of under-dog story we all appreciate. Some of your grammar and spelling was not very good, your punctuation was a but dodgy and the dialogue felt a bit artificial. You can improve the story a bit more but your basic concept is really good.

[Gigle]

This story seems like a good skeleton. I think that if you made it longer with more details about the characters, and made the dialogue flow more smoothly, it could be really good. Also please have someone edit the story and use less commas

[roan54]

so, did she give steven a chance because she could hear what went on in the locker room? since she decided to give him a chance right after he defended her, i thought maybe she had heard about his defense of her.

[RENA HANDS]

The commas, punctuation, and sentence structures oh my! All really need to be corrected. The actions of this story was extremely rushed. You didn't give the reader time to develop a picture of the characters, another error made. This could be a romantic telling but again the inaccuracies need to be addressed, redressed.

[katofmystery]

i really liked the story though i was shocked that it was both good and short. . . i had hoped for a bit more because it was so good. . . yes you had a little trouble with all the puncuation(sp) but hey not nobody perfect!!(J/K)

KAT

[TakeMeBreakMe2]

you seem to be a little bit comma happy. It's very simplistic in the narration, which can be nice, but I think you need to add a bit more detail and characterization, especially for maggie.

also you forgot to put quotation marks around one sentance that steven says when he is talking to maggie at the lunch table

[Mizurio]

That was a nice story. way to go i think you should wirte more love stories it seems like you would be good at it

[Masa]

It's funny, I'm sort of an attentive reader, so at every comma I give that quick pause, I laughed when I realized there might be too much. I won't yell at you for it though, I see enough people beat me to it. It is a pleasant story, very realistic, since this is a common sight, of course in my school the only Maggie Marie Thomas would most likely be one of the town doorknobs and the guys in the locker room would be all too pleasant about sharing their personal experiences with said girl.

I like it, very real, real enough for me to want to do a little service for young Stephen as to eliminating the assholes in the locker room.

Clap clap clap.

i liked the story, though there are some mistakes but hey i think we all make those mistakes lol i know i do all the time. The story was really cute and its something you would love to see happen.. ok i wish lol. dorky person going out with some popular. thats nice...

[jimmyjammy]

Hi, I really like your story, I do agree with the punctuation problems tho! I like the way you try to convey the idea without resorting to over description or flowery language and this in turn kind of lends a simple delivery with a simple style and doesn't overly complicate your idea, hopefully this is what you're going for because I really like this style of writing and you seem to be heading this direction. Keep up the good work!

[~HorseHeart~]

well u made it sound sorta well when i read it i got 2 different ages they seemed to talk like they were in elem school or sumthin and then it seems to take place in high school or jr high...
i liked it it was simple could use a little work but its simple and well i liekd it it seemed normal modern laid back it seemed natural but the dialouge could be better.....