[rush666]

A man is heart broken over the love he used to have


Tale of Betrayal

The alarm clock sounded, it was 8:00 am and on the morning that she would be leaving, to go out of town. Jim, and Cathy were married for, about a year, and a half. Jim was a real estate agent, just outside of Detroit, and enjoyed his work very much. His job took away from time with Cathy, but the time they spent together, was made more special, by this fact.

"Bye sweetie, I am going to miss you so much" said Jim.

"I will only be gone for a couple of day, silly you always say your going to miss me."

"Well I love you very much, and you know that dear."

The flight was set to take off at 1:00 pm, Cathy was always dressed like a slut. She had a gorgeous body, and was not afraid to show it.

Jim was a very sweet guy, the kind of guy, that you would bring home to meet mom. He was very polite, this however was not what Cathy wanted in a man. She needed someone who could satisfy her, she was into very kinky sex, and Jim just could not provide that.

She had responded to a sex ad, on the internet, to meet a twenty four year old African American male, named Darren. Cathy only being nineteen, and sexually adventurous, she saw this has a opportunity, to escape the boring marriage she was in.

Jim sat at home, after work, lonely, and cold. He had turned off his television, and tried to sleep, but something ate at him. Why was Cathy always trying to find ways to avoid him? Had he done something wrong? He did not know the answers to any of these questions, before they were married it was much more enjoyable. They talked, they laughed, they even cried, it seemed as if he was married to a different person. A person that had not changed on the outside, but changed drastically on the inside.

Cathy had met up with Darren, at a hotel bar, in downtown Chicago. They drank, and only talked briefly, neither of them were really good at holding conversions. It did not start to get interesting until, Cathy had started to massage Darren's cock with her feet. They would proceed to go up to there room, and have the wildest kinkiest sex, either of them have ever had. It was so enjoyable, so different, Cathy had never been with a black person before, it felt so good. So new, by this time with Jim she would be asleep only left to please herself.

If Jim knew anything, it was that he loved Cathy very much. Did she love me? He thought very hard about this, surely if she had married him, she must of. But yet they were young, when they married, each only eighteen. He never really felt good about the way Cathy carried herself, she was beautiful, but did she have to show everything? Something in is heart gave him a feeling of betrayal, like none he had ever experienced before. He was at a loss for words, Cathy had no job, but she always went out, almost every night, occasionally staying home to spend one, or two nights with him.

"Well Darren, that was the best sex I ever had, I can not wait to fuck with you again."

"Thanks gurl, your damn fine, your sexy ass body, god damn gurl, I'll fuck you anytime you need me gurl."

She kissed him on the cheek, and was back on her way to Detroit. She had no remorse for doing this, she would constantly meet fuck buddies on the internet. It was so adventurous, to not know what they would be like in the bedroom, until it happened. With Jim she knew what he would do, he would kiss her neck, and go about everything the same way, each time. There was never any excitement until now.

Jim figured out he was nothing to Cathy, the events would continue, but what could he really do. He had fell for her, he had married her, he had sworn for better or worse, these seemed to be some of the worse times. It was the only girl he had ever loved, but he had lost his way of impressing her, the way he did back in high school. In high school he was unique, attracted her like a magnet, but now she was tired of him. Even though she would never tell him, he knew, he saw the way she would dress, when she went out. He saw what she brought with her, three cases of luggage for just a two day trip, he knew. He had only loved once, and he would never love again, there was no such thing as love, apparently. When he was married, he had been told he had signed a contract of everlasting love, for better or worse, but it was clear he had done nothing, but sign a contract of betrayal.

[Serac]

Before I read this, I read 'The Beautiful Girl'. Someone said something about commas, and in this story I kept an eye out for them. Turns out, they were right. Way too many. Other than that, it was a very good story. I felt bad for Jim, and hope everything turns out alright for him. I'm looking forward to the resolution.

[desiraejones333]

I liked the story so far, but i think I agree with Serac, there were too many comas. I also think that the characters could have been a bit more developped...so we really go to know who they are, but other then those two things, it was good! Grats!

[Gigle]

I think the story should be lengthened out a bit, with more backstories of the characters. And cut the commas! Omgosh so many it made me want to cry

[Vincentii]

I liked the dual perspective of the story, but other than that I found the characters to be quite bland and the story quite unimaginative - safe for the structure.
Perhaps you should continue to work on the idea a bit more?

i don't really know what to say. i quite like the idea of the story but im afraid to say it is not writen very well. the strucrure needs alot of help plus alot more description. over than that keep writing an improving and ull be great

[Odanion]

I was able to feel the wy the story was going...there were maybe too many comma's as you don't need one in the sentance right before and...for example....I wanted it, and so did he...could just be...I wanted it and so did he.

This makes it a little easier to read and maybe a little more enjoyable. I enjoy your work and would like to read more of it.

[xtremelady]

I did like the overall theme of the story. I agree with other comments on needing more description. Example; rather than stating she looks like a slut - describe her outfit allow the reader to determine this for themselves. I felt Jim's sadness but not the resentment or anger one might expect in this scenario. Hope this helps because I do feel this story has loads of potential.

[RENA HANDS]

You do not need a comma in this sentence "Jim and Cathy were married for about a year and a half." You need a comma here in this sentence "..I am going to miss you so much," said Jim. The word should be this in the sentence "..silly you always say you're going to miss me." "..to take off at 1:00PM;" I would say the following: "Jim was a very sweet man, the kind of guy that.." "He was very polite;.." "..she saw this as an opportunity to.." "..to any of these questions; before they were married,.." "..and only talked briefly; neither of them were good at holding conversations. "..person before, and it felt so good." "..surely, if she had married him,.." You only need to have "But they were young,.." "She had no remorse for doing this;.." "He had fallen for her,.." The word is two-day. The story had too many commas and the character development improved. I did feel sadness for Jim but hated the idea he could never leave, especially in this day and time.

[maxaynjj]

I think this story had a good basic plot but it needed more characterization, more depth. Some places the sentences were a bit jumbled. The scenes were not descriptive enough and it was a bit choppy to read. I do understand wanting to go back and forth between the two characters but needed to be smoother. The characters state of dress should have been articulated more. Overall I found it needed more care but the basic plot was good.

[Ameasha]

To me the plot is good and it could have potential. I agree also, too many coma's. Maybe try fleshing out your characters more and give your story more meat.
Ameasha

[Mrs._Lovett13]

This is a pretty good story. The development of the characters were appropriate for a short story. I was really got into the mood of the story and I sunk into the plot. There are some errors in punctuation such as too many commas and missing letters. Rewrite you sentences in a way to avoid too many commas. Try looking over your work and make sure you feel that awesome feeling of satisfaction after reading the final draft. (I love that feeling by the way)I also would like to mention the kinky sex part, I think it would have been better if you showed instead of telling.