[ShineyBrownEyez]

Synopsis: My story happened to me in early October, some name changes but the basics stick to the truth.


The class was silent yet again, only the scratching of pen on paper could be heard. A light knock on the door startled Mr Gray, the biology teacher, who it seemed, had almost fallen asleep. He pushed his chair out from his huge oak desk, covered in exam papers and a half eaten apple. Whoever knocked on the door wasn't yet visible. Mr Gray, who was now pushing 70, had a terrible memory and had to leave memos on the glass pane of the door to remind himself of things included in his school life, and outside it. One of these the students seemed to find particularly amusing: "Pick Molly up from ballet class, 3:30". Molly was his 67-year-old wife.

Opening the door slightly, Mr Gray began to mutter to whoever was behind it, then opening the door wider and standing back, he ushered someone in. A short girl, about 5 foot 5 stood in the opening. She had long black hair, with highlights of blue streaking through it, and big brown eyes that seemed almost puppy-like. She was biting her lip anxiously, and staring fixedly at the floor.

"Class, please welcome Miss Clio Cartwright," said Mr Gray softly.

The class muttered 'Hello, Clio' in unison. Mr Gray pointed to an empty desk at the back of the room. Clio, still with her head down, headed towards it. As she did she had no idea that Hunter Thompson was watching her as she walked past his desk. He couldn't help thinking how attractive she was. After the slight interruption, Mr Gray struggled to get the class to settle back down, but he managed it nonetheless.

"Please pack away your books, time for this week's progress test," said Mr Gray with an unsettling smirk.

The class groaned in disappointment. Hunter saw this as an opportunity to catch Clio's eyes, for he had tried when she first entered the class, but it was difficult when she had her head fixed on the gum covered flooring of the class. So making sure that Mr Gray was preoccupied, he swivelled around and caught her eyes for a split second, but she quickly looked back to her test paper. Hunter was sure she cracked a grin.

The class seemed to finish quickly after the eye contact he and Clio made. The bell rang at 12:00 pm for lunch break, as he turned to walk out, he realised that his Versace jacket was still sprawled over his chair. He doubled back and noticed that Clio was still in the class, packing away her things. Forgetting all about his £150 jacket, he walked up to Clio. She must have heard him walking towards her as she looked up. Hunter gave an enthusiastic grin, which was returned with an uneasy smile. Hunter, breaking the non verbal contact began to speak.

"Heya, I'm Hunter, you need any help?"


"Uh, yeah that'd be nice. Thanks," Clio replied appreciatively. Hunter walked forwards and picked up her Life's Guide to Biology book and handed it to her.

"So where from down south are ya' from?" asked Hunter politely.


"I've lived almost everywhere," she replied with a cute laugh. "I've lived in Mississippi, Texas and Alabama, but my dad got relocated so we had to move."

"Must've been hard, leaving so many lives behind and starting from scratch."


"Yeah," she answered, but this time with a frown. Hunter understood how she felt; he and his mum had to move away, just after his dad died of cancer, he had to leave behind a lot of close friends, so he fully sympathized with her situation.

"Listen. If ya' ever need a private escort, I'd love to show you the sights and delights of NY," Hunter said, trying not to appear too obvious, because truthfully he was becoming more and more attracted to Clio, and a night out with just him and her seemed an innocent way to get to know her a little better.

"Yeah, I'd appreciate it a lot, I don't know my way around here, neither does my mum or dad," Clio said, this time with that cute smile she wore previously.

"How about Saturday afternoon, we'll meet up at Starbucks and go from there?"


"Sounds great, see ya Hunter." Clio smiled as she picked up her things and exited the classroom.


Hunter walked out about five minutes after Clio left him. He had already began to plan what he was going to say on his date. He'd start off with a simple, 'Did ya have to leave a boyfriend behind when ya left?' and he'd wait for an answer. If she were to say yes, he'd reply with 'He's a lucky guy'. But if she was to say no, whoa, the possibilities. There could be a first dance, a first hug, and of course the first kiss. See, Hunter had heard from a friend - a very close friend - Jace Mathias, that 95% of all girls believe that a simple first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship, how full of passion and excitement it was going to be. Hunter didn't have a problem with this, if he had to put all his self confidence in one aspect of his abilities, it would be kissing. He can remember his first kiss vividly, him and his girlfriend at the time, Chloe Savage, had been attracted to each other for a month or so. But after about a month and a half his mere attraction turned to pure lust. He would sit at home, and with as many things he had to think about, he'd always make time for her.

Then, on an average day at school, Hunter had made a pact with himself that he was to tell Chloe that he loved her. He waited and waited, but he couldn't seem to find a perfect time, until he was in an English lesson, just as the bell went, Chloe stood up from her seat, pulling her top down to her waist like she always did because it would ride up past her belly button, and walked up the to storage cupboard and buried half her head within it. Hunter, realising this was the perfect chance, leapt from his own chair, and edged his way to the door which Chloe was hidden within. He levelled his head with hers, drew back her hair and whispered 'I love you" in her ear, the sheer sound made her entire body shudder and her leg weakened, but, to avoid any awkwardness, Hunter walked away swiftly and stepped out of the classroom.

The day was moving on quickly, and being hyper, Hunter was hard work for the teachers, earning him a lunch time detention. Exiting his previous lesson, music, Hunter walked down the path of the main entrance to the school to go to his detention, when walking through the automatic doors, was Chloe and her friends, who would gather by the lockers outside the girl's bathrooms and gossip non-stop. Hunter knew that he would pass the lockers on his way to detention, so he quickened his pace eagerly. The automatic doors slid open and sure as hell, Chloe with her friends were standing by the lockers, gossiping away. As he walked past them, he gave her a cheeky grin and walked off, when a voice behind said 'I love you too'. Spinning around rapidly, his stomach did a back-flip and his heart stopped. Chloe stood in front of him, her bag around her waist and her coat over her arm, she was looking at him in the most admiring way imaginable, but Hunter could see that deep behind the admiration, an innocence of her look, was raw lust, swimming in pools of sparkling green desire. As she went to open her mouth to say something else, Hunter, rushing forward, grabbed her with great want and need. Their faces drew closer and gently pressing his lips over hers, he pulled her closer towards him, so that every part of them was touching. The kiss seemed to last an eternity in Hunter's mind, for he knew as soon as she kissed him that she was his, for what he thought would be a forever. They spent everyday together after that for 4 months, occasionally like most couples do, they'd have their arguments but Hunter always managed to put things right, until one devastating Saturday night.

Chloe and her best friend Lucy had had a bit to drink to celebrate passing their end of year exams with flying colours and they had invited Hunter and Jace to celebrate down Lucy's house seeing as Lucy's parents had gone to Paris, France, to renew their wedding vows for a silver anniversary. Hunter, being only 15, wasn't able to drive yet, so he had to walk a block or so to Jace's house, Jace had fancied Lucy for as long as Hunter could remember and he saw this as a perfect opportunity to let her know.

At about 3:15, Hunter and Jace, after spending a whole hour getting ready, headed down to Lucy's house. As they turned a corner, Hunter could hear a steady beat of the music coming from Lucy's and the high-pitched laugh that was Chloe's. It was enough to send Hunter spinning in thought about her, but a sharp nudge from Jace in the forearm brought him back down to earth, too quickly for Hunter's liking. Now overly eager to hold Chloe in his arms he knocked on the big oak door of Lucy's house but to his surprise, a boy that Hunter didn't recognise answered smugly. Chloe had told Jace that it was going to be just the four of them at the celebration, so Hunter was quite angry, but didn't think anything of it, until he walked in to the main living room and saw a tall, dark boy holding Chloe on her lower back and urging his midriff into hers as he ran his hands through her dark dream-like hair and he kissed the supple lips that had been Hunter's for four short months. Hunter's heart split in two with excruciating pain and anguish. His head was whirling and he was lost in the deep, dank despair of his own mind. Hunter felt all this going on inside him, but he couldn't pick up an ounce of energy to tear himself away from this unbearable seen. He just stood and watched as his entire world ripped itself apart in front of him.

[JirQUEST]

this story needs a lot of work. for one, the comma splices were giving me a headache just removing them. most of the times, using a period is just fine.

the beginning was somewhat odd. i thought the story was going to be about mr. gray, and then suddenly, it's clio and hunter. you might want to revise that.

you are quite draggy with Hunter's history. and you showed us way too much at this stage of the story. one of the things that keeps a reader in a story is mystery. you might want to give us a hint now and then about Chloe. make Hunter think about the kiss with Chloe, stop, then give us more about Hunter and Clio. insert them in bits.

i also thought that Clio's behaviour wasnt much in line. she cracked a grin, then she was smiling uneasily. next thing we know, she was laughing cutely. it's almost as if she's a schizo. with characters, their current mood has to be in sync, unless there is something happening that changes that.

and go easy on ID tags! unless your versace jacket is meant to show how rich Hunter might be, otherwise, dump it! and what's with the Life's Guide to Biology book? a book is a book, it doesnt matter what unless it lends a hand to the story.

finally, do less telling and more showing; remove the redundant. example:

Hunter, breaking the non verbal contact... - we know that he spoke from the very next line in the story. no need to tell us that he broke it.

Hunter said, trying not to appear too obvious, because truthfully he was becoming more and more attracted to Clio... - we know he was attracted. u can basically remove everything from "because truthfully" onwards.

[Tongo]

Very nice. A personal preference for me is that I'm not all that keen on explicitly stated slang IE "Ya" instead of "You." It's a constant reminder that I'm actually reading something rather than being there.

[Keplaz]

Your story was nice but it did drag a bit. We got to know about Hunter and Chloe but we didn't really see much of Hunter and Clio. There's a slight continuity issue, I'm probably being unreasonable as they could be a plausible explanation but you mention a £150 jacket when they are in America, shouldn't it be $150. You mentioned New York not London. I'm being overly critical but small stuff tends to bug me. Hope you finish your story soon. A few bugs to iron out but it seems promising.

[saving ashland]

I overall enjoyed the story but i agree with the poster above with the slang comment. To me it just doesn't fit right in certain stories. What I did like was the short description of Chloe and the first time they expressed their love for each other. I do think that we received a little too much backstory though. But I enjoyed reading it, and I am looking forward to more of it.

[Showstopper]

awesome job. i thought all the vivid desriptions and elaborations brought the story together pretty well. it sounds almost like a classic "love/breakup" story. the only thing u should prolly change is some of the punctuation like the commas and stuff. Other than that, u have a very intersting story.

[spinx]

the story was good but it was a little long.

[Gwace]

Some parts of this story were good, others wern't very accurate and awkward. For example: the main charectors relationships changed around a lot, there were a lot of british elements to this story set in America, and there was a little too much detail at some parts.
Things like that

[suresh15]

The story looks like from a real experience though at times it dragged a bit with detailed expalnation! Good work! Keep it up. Waiting for few more stories from this author.

[Vorcla]

Hmmm. Lots of promise, here but somewhat incomplete. When I finished it, I went, "...and?" Where's the rest of it? You introduce Clio, she walks offstage, and we don't see her again. You have the makings of a good one; you just need to go back and finish it.

[TaylorRenee07]

I actually really disagree with the last comment you got.

And I think that person made himself seem a little stupid, critisizing you so harshly but sounding pretty un-educated himself. *Shrug.* Just my opinion.

Anyway. Forgetting him. About your story.

I think it was a great start, actually.

The plot seems pretty cute, and I love the little heartbreaker and the flashback to his last girlfriend. That was a great addition to the first part.

But there are a few things that could be better if you edited a little more.

I think your vocabulary is good, and your wording, but watch where you put commas; it can make it different for the reader. I know, but it hards, because you wrote it, so when you edit it, you know exactly what you mean. But sometimes it just doesn't sound right for someone reading it for the first time.

Also, watch run on sentences. It's usually pretty good to have lots of shorter sentences than a few long, confusing run-on sentences.

And I think it was a little weird to end with the flashback. Maybe you could have written a little more - he flashes back to the present and smiles because he thinks the new girl seems different than Chloe? Not that you have to use that plot, but just a little to get us out of dreamland? I just think that could help :]

But anyway. I really did enjoy reading this. With a few minor changes, I think it could definitely be golden :]

I'm Taylor, by the way. I'm new here, but I'm a member at a different writing website. I decided to check out some stories here to see if they're as good as my other site.

It seems, this being the first I've read, I'll find some talent.

Good work, and I hope you keep writing and improving - you're a good writer!

If you write more to this, you can give me a shout out - a message - and I'll come back and read it. :]


[Sorry about the critisizm. I can find things to improve in the best writings in the world ]

-Tay