[Jiamin]

Synopsis: A breaking up process.

Fiona looked into Bryan's eyes. Tears welled up in her own. She couldn't find it; she couldn't find the love in Bryan's big, dark eyes.

It's gone... she thought painfully.

"I'm really sorry, Fion, but we can't go on, it's not going to be fair for you," said Bryan tenderly. But not the tenderness of love. It was the tenderness of a friend.

Fiona sat down on the sand and gazed at the blue sea in front of her. Normally, she would lay her head on Bryan's shoulder, and Bryan would put his hand around her shoulder. Its weight though heavy, was comforting. Her worries vanished like tendrils of smoke in the wind... such was the effect he had on her.

But not today. Today held an uneasy silence, the calm before the storm. Bryan kept quiet. He knew Fiona well enough to understand that she needed the silence to absorb the news, and to think it through.

Their happy days in the past rushed through Fiona's mind. She remembered how they started. Fiona had a crush on Bryan first. They became closer friends when they took part in a drama put up by their class. They were the scriptwriters. Fiona often found excuses to have lunch with Bryan together, to discuss the script.

As Fiona got to know Bryan better, she found out that Bryan also had a crush, but not on her, on Sally. She was upset, but it did not stop her from getting closer to Bryan.

Then it was Bryan who forced her to tell him who she liked, and she told him the truth. That was how they started.

They often get together for revision and movies, just like any normal couple would do.

But all those 6 month, Fiona felt something was not there. She chose not to pursue it. But she knew it deep in her heart what it was. It's Bryan's true, pure love. She felt calmer. She allowed herself a weak smile.

Knowing that Fiona had thought it through, Bryan opened his mouth to speak, "You expected it all the while right?" Fiona gave a nod.

"Yes, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I was afraid. You still love Sally right? I'm not the first in your thoughts, right? But why did you still go out with me? You could have told me the truth."

Bryan smiled a little. "I wanted to give it a try. Who knows, it might work, since we do have much in common. But I was wrong, I'm sorry." Then there was a pause as Bryan hesitated his next sentence.

"Are we still friends?"

Fiona nodded again, followed by her sobs. Bryan knew she had accepted the breakup. She just needed to cry at the pity of their unsuccessful relationship. He felt like crying too. He didn't want to break Fiona's heart, it was his fault anyway, to start their relationship when he knew that he wasn't ready to. But he kept quiet, and allowed Fiona to hug him for the last time, to cry on his shoulders, just like in the past.

[Odanion]

I must say this: You are a god, and I bow down to you.

I enjoy your writing style so much, it has such an impact of feelings and description that makes it feel like you are the one in that position. Your other story was about love, this about breaking it...the two are so wel written, that it makes me just sit here in awe as I read, then write up ideas for ways I can improve on my own work.

Write more romance, I enjoy reading it.

[xtremelady]

Superb portrayal here and very emotional - hit a cord making it very easy to empathize with Fiona. The setting used I thought was a lovely backdrop for the story, complementing the feeling the piece produced. Wonderful, very much enjoyed.

[RENA HANDS]

The synopsis a fragmented sentence. A second fragmented sentence: "But not the.." A suggestion to writing this sentence: "Her worries vanished like tendrils of smoke in the wind...such were or a tendril of smoke in the wind...such was..." You could change "But not today," with however or nevertheless,. Then it was Bryan..." the sentence has too many words. Instead of "..to break Fiona's heart," it should be "..to break Fiona's heart;.." I think the story could use more details.

[Cloud Envy]

I do say that is a well-written short story. I would post mine, but mine is probably too long. Anyway that's a different story. So anywho.... that's how I imagine a break-up would feel. I wouldn't know though, I never dated!

[a&Ω]

I thought it was nice, but I had some issues:

"It's gone... she thought painfully." should be something more along the lines of: "It's gone, she thought. She felt a ping in her heart, as though a knife had pierced her" (Well, maybe not exactly that but hopefully you get the idea).

I think that you should SHOW the emotions and feelings rather that TELLING them. That was my biggest concern.

I also found it hard to follow at some parts, it kind of felt like it didn't flow as well as it could... sort of jumped around a bit.

Lastly, I think you should trust the reader more. That is you don't need to tell every detail... some of it should be unspoken, implied. The reader SHOULD get the drift of what is going on, without having to be told every detail.

Okay, so there is my review. With all that said, I still think you are very creative.

[LullabyHearts]

Beginning is a tad bit choppy. I really think you shouldn't jump right into the beginning with this piece. And the title is really unorginal. Try other titles. Just suggestions.

[Star_Princess]

It's a good try I think The whole idea looks good, but I think it could be a much bigger one and much more dramatic also. When couples breakup, it's very emotional and there's lots of angst and lots of drama. Well, that's how it usually is, but writing a story about breakup should be dramatic, because that would be more interesting and makes the reader feel more for the characters and for what's happening between them. It would touch their heart more. I don't think this is emotional enough. Telling the why and the how of them breaking up is fine, but what about more of the things that go on in their mind and their heart?

[LullabyHearts]

You want raw emotions, not dolled up, dressed up emotions. Readers hate reading the same break up they read in the last three crap books.

[makethis_adream]

I like your style of writing. I could feel that Fiona loved Bryan very much and it made the story seem very real and relatable.

[psrey]

I would have definitely liked this piece to have had more drama and tension. It was a moment, but not a fully developed moment... I feel as if I hadn't been given enough opportunity to familiarize myself with your characters.

You're also telling me far too much. I don't want to know their backstory... I want to WATCH their backstory.

Unless you had some word constraints--and even then--you should try going over this and writing it again. Flesh it out, make the characters likeable.

You write very well, though, it was nicely done.

Look forward to reading more.

[simplyjustnikki]

sounds like half my relationships lol... i liked it!!! keep on writing.

[lizmarienv]

It was good. Sad but good. In such a short story I felt like I knew Fiona

[jimmyjammy]

I really liked this piece. It was like a scene from a movie, very poignant, and something I think everyone can relate to, a harsh yet all too obvious truth that comes to a point where neither can deny the reality of the situation and how their emotions drive thier lives. Good job! Look forward to rading more of your stuff!

This is such a great story, even though its sad.
I can relate to it so much!
Please don't stop writing, I love your writing style!
God Bless

[hairpoet]

My only criticism would be to not change the POV in such a short piece. You started in Fiona's head and then switched to Bryan at the end.

[beverent]

It's very simple. A very ideal scene of break up. It would be much better to show the anger and regrets. Break-up is not that simple. I agree with hairpoet to not change the POV so sudden in the end.

[Lilyfaery]

I like your style of writing. I could tell that Fiona was upset over the breakup and that Bryan felt badly about hurting her. I thought that it was well written and I could feel the emotions they felt and because of that I could relate to it. Good job.