[Ravane]

Synopsis: A boy discovers the threat of virtual reality.


Chapter one: Games are Fun

"Keep your eyes on the ball, Raivu," a smiling young woman said, as she paddled a ball toward the dark haired boy.

"Yeah, whatever," Raivu said, as he snapped a ball back at the black haired Woman.

The ball whizzed back and forth on the veridian table, lined with two stripes and a single black net. The ball was smacked with force, leaving an aura of red within a flash, before the color returned to the paddle. Raivu countered with a spin, his own sleek, black, paddle, crashed to the table. The ball bounced towards the opponent's paddle, then curved and bounced off the table.

"I win again, Akiou. Perfect game, you can't beat me," Raivu said, adding an air of coolness.

"What? I practiced so hard! How did I lose?"

"The game was decided the minute you challenged me. It's fate; you can't win against me," Raivu said.

"I'm going to reveal all your secrets, someday! Just you wait!"

"Go ahead," Raivu said, unruffled.

He pointed two of his fingers at Akiou's forehead.

"That is, if you know any. Do you know any secrets?"

"No, but..." Aikou stopped and fidgeted.

"That's what I thought," Raivu said after laughing.

As Raivu left, his shadow disappeared like a ninja of the night.

Aikou sulked back in the room, putting the table back to single-player mode.

"Someday," she said before she picked her paddle up again to practice for the next time she and Raivu would meet.

"If his ball comes here, I'll hit it like that..."

All night she worked pummeling her effigy of a friend, making plans about how she could beat him.

* * *

"Hey, Ahh-Choo-Choo247?" asked a character.

"Gesundheit" chuckled Ahh-Choo-Choo247.

"lol," said the character.

A blue print of letters spelled the name Ceer, after he had spoken. A smile broke across the face of the boy, Ceer, as he cracked another joke about Ahh-Choo-Choo's user name.

"These reality helmets really do increase the fun of game play," Ceer said, "Looks like they also increase the intensity. Watch out!"

Shallow minded mutants slowly crept along the vast regions of a small mountain. They gave a scream, as they jumped out at their victims, hoping that they would not fail at another meal.

Both characters whipped out their AK-47's and increased their efficiency.

"Just shoot their heads," Ahh-Choo-Choo247 said.

"No problem."

As the guns blazed through the mutants, blood was spilt, all around. Not a single bruise, was landed on the two.

As the Smoke cleared, Ahh-Choo-Choo anounced, "We're done for the day, Musou."

Ceer glared at him, for revealing Ceer's own identity, and said, "You don't happen to be on global chat, do you?"

Ahh-Choo-Choo turned around and said, "Uh-Oh!"

"We have to log out, NOW!" screamed Ceer.

He turned around and yelled, "OH NO! MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FAN-MAIL HEADED OUR WAY!"

A mammoth swarm of letters broke through the air and was aimed at the two players.

"LOG OUT Commenced. Logging out."

The two characters disappeared, as the fan-mail passed through their pixellated appearances.

A splash of water, spread throughout the room as the two boys came out of a large capsule.

"Wow, those virtual reality games are pretty hard to administrate; people just keep sending out fan-mail," The younger boy said, his brown hair dripping wet.

The boys laughed as they dried their bodies.

"Looks like we're going to have to change our 'virtual names' again," The older boy said, as finished drying off his silver hair.

"Come on Musou, lets go kill some bugs," the younger boy said.

The boys took one last glance at the virtual reality machine, a glistening cylinder, full of water with wires meant to be attached to a person's nerves, making movement possible, before turning away and walking through the door.

* * *

As shadows manifested over land, the moon twinkled as it continued its awesome orbit around the earth. The stars glinted off in the background, painting the sky like a picture. Raivu lay on the roof watching the moon, slowly rise to its place in the sky. His dark hair disappeared, in the sky's majestic blanket, which covers half the earth, stretching its boundaries. Raivu yawned as he looked up into the blanket of darkness. He looked at all the stars, which seemed to fall past the earth, as it revolved. A figure manifested out of the darkness and presented itself to Raivu. A sleek hand pulled out a pistol and pointed at Raivu's head.

"You have to keep your friends close, Raivu, and your enemies, even closer," the figure said, its arms curling around the pistol.

"Nice try Musou. You can't scare me," Raivu said, coolly.

Musou almost fell over at the comment. He glared at Raivu with intense black eyes.

"Don't worry, I'm not on global chat, but it looks like you have changed your form, again."

Musou laughed as he told Raivu about the fan-mail attack.

As Musou finished the story, Raivu laughed and said, "Perhaps, you would like to join me as I perceive the 'virtual' stars?"

Musou sat down, his eyes glinting, under the contrast of the stars.

"Outside of this virtual world, the stars are real. Here, that is impossible. Why? Why do you lay here, instead of the real world? How come you would rather watch a fake imitation than what is already accessible in the real world?"

Raivu replied, "Reality will always be harsh and unforgiving. Here, the world is a total lie. Which would you choose, Musou?

Musou simply nodded and went again to watch the stars.


Chapter 2: Absol33t Rule

"How did you come up with such a unique design, Ceer?"
Sincerely, Rhodes the black magician

"Ouch! Reading all this fan mail is exhausting, along with the bug reports and reports of hacking. Sometimes I wish I hadn't become a system admin." Ceer complained.

"Why don't you take a break sir?"

Ceer turned around to see his intern, Benjamin, walking up to him. His features were somewhat distinct and masculine, however he had always acted childish. They were both the same age, but Ceer was an administrator because he happened to be friends with the child genius who made the Virtual Reality Machine. Ceer only had the idea of turning it into an mmorpg.

"Because if my fans desire it, it shall come," Ceer simply replied.

Benjamin groaned. This was the same response Ceer gave for everything. He loved Virtual Reality, especially the most famous mmorpg on it, Parallel Universe. He spent hours there more than he spent at home. Benjamin laughed at the thought of him having a wife and kids.

"Would they have a virtual marriage?" he thought, as he realized Ceer was listing down bugs and hackers that he was supposed to take care of.

"Wait, slow down!" Benjamin said, quickly scribbling down notes.

Chapter 3: A Real World Hacker

A newspaper from Raivu's hand slammed down onto a coffee table, startling his black Labrador, Night. He jumped onto the sofa and ran his hands through Night's soft hair.

"Guess what, Night?"

Night looked up at him with an oblivious look, but jumped onto the sofa to prove that he was paying attention.

"Apparently, someone's been stealing money from all the local banks in Belgium. It makes me angry that some criminal would rob banks just because he's too lazy to work. Stealing from the bank hurts everyone including that criminal.

I mean, now that the government and the bank are one entity, all businesses lose money if the bank does. My offspring companies are going to suffer because one guy got lazy. And you know what?"

Night's gave a serious look to Raivu, because he sensed Raivu's voice raising. As Raivu got angrier, Night's tail sneaked under his rump. At the sight of this, Raivu immediately stopped talking to give himself a moment to corrode his anger.

"I'm sorry Night. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Night looked up and started wagging his tail again.

"Ah, Forget about that. I'll just order some pizza to lighten up this mood. By the way, there's no one in the house today, so you can bark all you want."

For once, Night was able to comprehend the words that came out of Raivu's mouth. And for the first time in two years, he barked like an excited puppy again.

[Ravane]

Well, I'm still working on it, but here's what I've got.

[Timmay]

i liked it. it was a little goofy tho, especially with the literal mail that omes crashing at them. all and all, i liked it. for the first time, its not one of those " virtual reality destroyes the world."

well done

[Ravane]

uh oh. *Throws away the original Storyline* Of course it's not one of those, virtual reality destroys the world things. heh heh.

[Arnklit]

Well, I was quite entertained at some point, but mostly it was a struggle to keep the characters and the story straight.

Your choice of words is at times awful. Especially the prologue’s descriptions are very weary. I think you were really trying to convey a fascinating scene with elegant descriptions, but it ends up feeling like a joke because of grammatical flaws and poor word choice.

When the story begins we don't get a clear idea who the characters are and what their goals are. When you begin a story, be sure to give the reader an idea of where you are talking them and make sure that they know and feel sympathy for the characters so they are willing to spend their time on your piece.

I'm not going to go into specifics, just tell you to work a lot more with your piece. Keep asking yourself if you are conveying your story in the most efficient matter. How could you make your dialogue more intriguing and conflicting? How could you make people understand the significance of your virtual universe and the rules that apply?

Sorry if I seem harsh, but I normally treasure that when people critique my work. By the way there was one scene that you really seemed to care for and that worked better than the rest. The one where they discuss the virtual world and the stars.

Good luck in your future writings.

['Ginnis]

I actually gave up on trying to keep the characters straight and just went with it. I find sometimes as a reader or an audience its easier to accept than it is to understand. It needs a technical edit (then agian, what piece doesn't need a bunch of those?)

Blood was shed everywhere, but still went unnoticed.
This read really awkwardly, and I don't even really know how to fix it without changing the feel of the opening tone.

A six pair of boots trailed off, stepping through the victim's final resting point.May I suggest "Six pairs of boots trailed off..."
Nice end of the sentence though.

A small cock of the gun, and an empty case fell to the lush grass, being replaced by a new one.
Consider drooping the "being" at the end and replacd it with an adverb such as "quickly" or "soon" (I don't think soon is an adverb but being is a passive verb and those really bug me).

Keep working on it.

[Ravane]

alright thanx for the advice. I'll get on it.

[crackdaddy]

i didnt understand what the opening had to do with the rest of the story. even the ping pong scene (if thats what it was) didnt seem connected other than using the same character.
choppy transitions
on a positive note, the imagery was pretty good

[Coadmaster]

I like it :3 Not the same old storyline, that's for sure. I believe got yourself something there
^ ^

[Ravane]

I wonder how many stories I can connect to this.

[WorldWarCheese]

What!

While others don't seem to approve of it I gotta say either use a Question Mark or a dual Question Mark/Exclamation Point (which is actually improper grammar on the second one). The person is shocked and saying it to the effect of "Huuuuuh????" but to be grammatically correct it should just be the "What?". Technically the "!" works, but I don't like it. It doesn't have the same feel as "?"

Fate has it so you can't win against me

Awkward sentence. I don't think I've ever heard someone say that or anything close to that. Maybe:
You know it's Fate. You're never gunna beat me.

"I'm still revealing all your secrets! Mwahahaha!"

This means she currently is stealing his secrets where something more future tense might work better since she obviously didn't beat him. It also sounds weird to me. Maybe:
One day, I'm going to reveal all your secrets and then we'll see who's beating who!

"Ahh, I don't," Aikou cried.

Cried? Like yelled? Why yell? And what's with the "Ahh"? Not to be harsh but this sounds totally random when said outloud, even with this dialogue. It just seems like an overly loud gherblah of randomness when a simple "No...", Aikou stated dejectedly works just fine. Use the dialogue to indicate how the dialogue is said, but don't neglect the narration on how the characters say it and act during the dialogue.

She built up the confidence to beat him tomorrow,

Built up? So soon? Just a second ago she admitted she had nothing on him. Or was she never deterred in the first place? Then what's to build up? Two options:
Undeterred with her loss, she was all set to beat him tomorrow
or
Going back to practice, she told herself that she'll be able to do it tomorrow, no worries
Or something like that.

This section was okay (I haven't gotten to the others yet, give me time. Editting is a labor of supreme annoyance for me, but I feel it boosts both my ego and my own writing ability to do), if not a little simple.

I liked the characters that the dialogue portrayed, even if you do need to work on the way you write it (HINT: Say your dialogue outloud. Does it sound corny or silly? Then it is and change it) I would however like to see a little more action. It was a fighting game of some sort, tell me about the game! Immerse me in your virtual world! Let yours and my vision mesh and fuse over the single setting of your alternate universe! A-hem, basically: beef up the narration of the action scenes.

I'll get to the rest sooner or later.

THE REST:

"These reality helmets really do increase the fun of gameplay," Ceer said, "Looks like they also increase the intensity. Watch out!"

Again, a lot of dialogue but no description. My image is Luke Skywalker's blast helmet from his training in the falcon. The People look like the guys from Tron. Why? Because there's no alternative. I am not in the story. You need to immerse me in the world you're in or I'm going to feel like an outsider reading a half-finished story.

Both characters whipped out their ak-47's and increased their efficiency.

"Just shoot their heads," Ahh-Choo-Choo247 said.

"No problem."

As the guns blazed through the mutants, blood was spilt, all around. Not a single bruise, was landed on the two.

You need to describe the scene. Put some energy and effort into it. Blood was spilt? Where? From who? What did it look like? Is it green blood? The boldened sentence is awkward and doesn't need a comma. Try They didn't have a bruise on them. Bruises don't "land", really, y'know?

The boys took one last glance at the virtual reality machine, a glistening cylinder, full of water with wires meant to be attached to a person's nerves, making movement possible, before turning away and walking through the door.

Another missed chance to really describe the world your in. I know, I know. It's tedious and annoying at times and you just want to get on with the plot, but really, these are the parts that draw a person in and make them feel apart of your work, y'know? (I personally HATE writing these parts, but they're necessary. It's not much of a story without them)

END SECOND PART OF STORY

over land

Land? What land? The land? Describe the land.

which covers half the earth,

Unnecessary. It also takes me out of the moment (which has improved since the other two parts of the story so far). I know it does, and don't need to be reminded of it. While it does kind of sound cool, it just removes me from the story. Don't add un-needed little tidbits.

As shadows manifested over land, the moon twinkled as it continued its awesome orbit around the earth. The stars glinted off in the background, painting the sky like a picture. Raivu lay on the roof watching the moon, slowly rise to its place in the sky. His dark hair disappeared, in the sky's magestic blanket, which covers half the earth, stretching its boundaries. Raivu yawned as he looked up into the blanket of darkness. He looked at all the stars, which seemed to fall past the earth, as it revolved. A figure manifested out of the darkness and presented itself to Raivu. A sleek hand pulled out a pistol and pointed at Raivu's head.

Best so far. Nicely done. You tried pretty hard to "create the moment and feel" and it was appreciated. Some pointers: Vocab. You try, but I recommend keeping a thesaurus out with you on a different tab (I do all the time, even posting). You use manifest twice in that section and it just feels strained for big words. If intense vocab is too much, keep it simple. A great story can be made on a minimum of English Lit II Vocab Test Words, y'know? (Though they don't hurt, hence Thesaurus Rex)

"Outside of this virtual world, the stars are real. Here, that is impossible. Why? Why do you lay here, instead of the real world? How come you would rather watch a fake imitation than what is already accessible in the real world?"

Raivu replied, "Reality will always be harsh and unforgiving. Here, the world is a total lie. Which would you choose, Musou?

Nice conversation section. It's cool and "deep" and stuff. You missed a closing quotation mark at the end.

END CHAPTER ONE: LAST PART

START CHAPTER TWO

bug reports and reports of hacking

Two reports unnecessary. Try Reports of bugs and hacks or something like that.

break sir?"

Comma before "sir"

His features were somewhat distinct and masculine, however he had always acted childish.

You started the description, but ended halfway. I want to know more what this kid looks like, much more. The good thing: You got me interested. The Bad thing: I am left unsatisfied.

END CHAPTER TWO

BEGIN CHAPTER THREE

that criminal.

Need end quotation marks

including that criminal.

I mean, now that the government and the bank are one entity, all businesses lose money if the bank does. My offspring companies are going to suffer because one guy got lazy. And you know what?

Combine this with the "criminal" line, he's still talking on the same thing. And give this ending quotes.

[WorldWarCheese]

Okay, here's my general feelings now that all that is finished (You DAMN WELL better appreciate that; it took almost an hour and a half). You got a nice idea, you just can't organize yourself or want to take the time to do the tedious bits.

The story is told in tiny, micro-sized chunks of story that each could be drawn out and embellished on and filled in to make small stories of their own. You just hop from plot point to plot point with nothing in between to keep my interest or make me develop any feelings towards and of your characters. I see some people where confused as to who is who and that's mainly because you never spent enough time on any single pair of characters or even described their hair color half the time.

My recommendation: Spend some time on developing your characters and scenes. Revamp the entire thing. Draw it out, describe describe describe. It's a labor of love. Tell the read MORE about the setting, scenes, devices (especially the VR helmets, I want to know about the neural deelee mabobs), characters, maybe even some background info that could be pushed up from later chapters.

Just go through and flesh it all out (it's a skeleton right now).

You seem to have a good imagination, you just need to put the effort in. Don't stop. Redo it and come back and fucking WOW the hell outa me.

[Ravane]

Originally Posted by WorldWarCheese

Okay, here's my general feelings now that all that is finished (You DAMN WELL better appreciate that; it took almost an hour and a half). You got a nice idea, you just can't organize yourself or want to take the time to do the tedious bits.

The story is told in tiny, micro-sized chunks of story that each could be drawn out and embellished on and filled in to make small stories of their own. You just hop from plot point to plot point with nothing in between to keep my interest or make me develop any feelings towards and of your characters. I see some people where confused as to who is who and that's mainly because you never spent enough time on any single pair of characters or even described their hair color half the time.

My recommendation: Spend some time on developing your characters and scenes. Revamp the entire thing. Draw it out, describe describe describe. It's a labor of love. Tell the read MORE about the setting, scenes, devices (especially the VR helmets, I want to know about the neural deelee mabobs), characters, maybe even some background info that could be pushed up from later chapters.

Just go through and flesh it all out (it's a skeleton right now).

You seem to have a good imagination, you just need to put the effort in. Don't stop. Redo it and come back and WOW the hell outa me.

Wow, I definitely commend you for taking this much time to do such a thing. After School ends, I'll get right to fixing it up. Thanks so much for giving such a detailed description on how to work on my story.

Thanks again.

[WorldWarCheese]

No problem. Drop me a PM when fixes have been made.