[Coadmaster]

Synopsis: Well, I was writing this for a friend of mine a while back, though I'm not sure where she went. But, I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to get to know some of you, and to put out my work in the process. I'm just starting this novel, and just at chapter 1. Hope you like it!

Chapter 1
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As the sun outside the window slowly gets further and further away, dark shadows swallow the small cruiser. It's a souped-up model of the standard Legion Space Voyagers, the left side of it, a picture of a dragon curving about a tree, marking it as the Dragon Brigade. The sun filters had been switched to the highest level of solar blockage possible, the interior of the cruiser kept from being pitch black only by small, red lights on the ceiling. Talk ceases from the soldiers aboard as the cruiser slowly pulls away from Anthelos, a once beautiful planet covered with rainforests, so full of life, the trading capital of the Zeta Galaxy, now decrepit and desecrated from the treacherous war raging on the surface.

With the cruiser out in deep space, talk resumed. “Why the hell would the Legion lure the Terrix onto Anthelos, knowing we could never hold out against those monsters?” Ryu said, lying back against his chair with practiced laziness. His combat suit was still on, gleaming white in the dim lights above him, the blood red Legion insignia, a snake looping around a cross, branded into the front of the chest plate. He punched a button on the side of his helmet, releasing the pressurized atmosphere in the suit via tiny vents, the hiss of compressed air escaping plainly audible. He grabbed the base of his helmet and lifted it deftly off his shoulder plates. He set the helmet in his lap and ran a gloved hand over his cropped blonde hair.

“I don’t know, but they’d better have a good reason to destroy a beautiful planet like this,” Al, the indisputed commander of the squad, said. He raised a removed gaunlet in the air, emphasizing his disapproval. “Why couldn’t they have taken it to some desolate planet like Senic, or maybe Carnit? It’s all the same to those Terrix beasts. As long as they get to kill and eat, they’ll come.” His head was down, his grim face shadowed by his jet black hair.

“If that’s so, then why don’t we just nuke the damn planet and get it over with?” Lee said, polishing his highly modified canister rifle, made possible by his own strange fascination for weapons. His stone gray eyes reflected off the newly added switch-blade at the tip of the rifle, chrome-plated for a dazzling brilliance. This would snap out if one of the Terrix got too close, and all he would have to do was jam the rifle into the beast, and the blade would slide out from the compartment holding it, and neatly deal a deathblow to the enemy. It was actually quite an invention, and would be presented at the HQ for patenting.

“Because, Lee,” Ryu stated, sarcasm oozing through his teeth. “The Terrix have already infested hundreds of planets in this galaxy alone. There’s nothing we can do about it until we have a chance of destroying the core of the brood. Until then, we have to keep our cool and continue fighting until we hit a breakthrough.”

“Then why don’t we nuke the planet the ‘core’ is on?” Lee argued, swinging his arm eccentrically in an attempt to override Ryu.
“We can’t do that, Lee. The planet is completely blocked by billions of those damned Flyers protecting the planet. You can’t even see the surface of the planet, it’s so infested. They’re completely unaffected by radiation or heat. And you should know best how resistant those things are to our atomics. And besides-”

“Besides what, Ryu?” Lee cut in rudely, a pang of anger leaping into his voice. “We should have the force to get through any amount of Flyers in the way!”

“Knock it off, you guys,” Al ordered sharply. He stared intensely at Ryu, his green eyes locked onto Al's blue ones. “Either way, we can’t do a thing about it, so get over it. You’ll do as you were trained to do, and that’s fight. We’re almost to our next destination anyway, so quit your bickering.” He threw his arm in the air to cut the tension, and walked into the cockpit.

Naturally, everyone quieted down. Al had all the squad’s respect. No one would disobey him if they wanted to survive. And sure enough, right outside the window, you could clearly make out the Legion Headquarters, a giant space station out in the middle of nowhere. As the ship touched down, the squad became a bit antsy. But as they unloaded and saw that just about every other surviving squad had touched down as well, they realized with mounting regret that they probably should have probably stayed out in space.

[superbum]

this story is far too short, you need to add details like what the dragon brigade symbol looks like, what the characters look like, does it smell in there, generally I have no real idea of what anything looks like or what the people sound like. i'm sure you have all those things visualized, just need to put it down.

[RENA HANDS]

You need to separate the following two speeches…

Then why don’t we nuke the planet…

We can’t even do that…

I would change the following…

Lee cut in rudely, a rising pang of anger in his voice.

(You don’t need “rising” twice.) Also eliminate the second period in that sentence.

In the final paragraph just say something like…Not only had the squadron respected Al, but they wouldn’t dare disregard his orders. (Because you mentioned he is their leader.)

I want see more details of each character; their war zone/environmental surroundings. The weapons could be more detailed with the other soldiers and their uniforms. You mentioned a symbol but give more detail.

I think your tenses are incorrect. But I’m no expert so you might want to ask an editor. You have an interesting beginning I’ll leave it at that until I read more.

[Coadmaster]

Okay! ^ ^ so, I'll add more details and stuff sometime between this week and next week ^ ^

[Zoidberg]

Somewhat short even for a first chapter, but it does give a good background on the mission and what the marines are fighting against.

A little more detail would be good, like the Dragon Brigade symbol, and what flyers are, but I am sure that will be revealed in later chapters. Also, you could reveal some details on the landscape, such as unexploded missle shells on the ground, or men moving around, or vehicles, or even animals.

Still, this looks to be the makings of a good story, and I can't wait to see the next chapters.

[Gus2.0]

Pretty good story. Short, but good for opening. I'd like to see what the terrix look like. Are they human or are they actually a beast. That would be cool, a fight for survival against beasts. I look foward to reading more.

[Coadmaster]

I edited it, in case you guys wanted to know ^ ^

[Gus2.0]

Hey coadmaster, do you know when you're getting the next part to Terrix out? Im really looking foward to it.

[Alex]

I agree with all that it is short, maybe make it the prologue, or just longer. Either way, it is a good idea that could possibly develop into a great one. Work on it, I am looking foreward to the next one.

[Coadmaster]

Coolio :] Do ou think I should add an extra paragraph to explain how the Surrogate got into the HQ? I just realized I sort of left that out of the next chapter...

[Zoidberg]

That would be pretty cool. I say go for it.

[BruceOne]

I think you need to format it like a short story. 20 to 30 pages will do. Sometines you just need to do a little reasearch on how they are written. You can find that on line. Make us feel as if we are on the journey with you.

[Coadmaster]

I don't think I see your point, Bruce :/

[BruceOne]

I'm sorry! I'm use to writing everything is a movie script format.

[Coadmaster]

Oh! okay, I gotcha bruce ^ ^