[Gus2.0]

Synopsis: Adam Grey wakes up from the cryogenic chamber and finds that his son is almost the same age as he is, since he has been asleep for 30 years.

PLAGUED NATION

CHAPTER 1

Adam Grey's eyelids slowly lifted. He awoke to see an unshaven man with dark brown hair looking down at him. He was wearing moderately dark clothing and had a musky odor about him, as if he had been working in a sweatshop. Adam slowly rose, grunting. He felt his legs tense up, as if he had been running for hours.

"Here, have this."

The man handed Adam a drink of what appeared to be orange juice. He quickly chugged it down.

"What’s going on?" Adam questioned.

"Well, for starters, you just woke up from the cryogenic chamber. Remember? You were frozen after we bombed Korea," the man replied.

"Sort of...yeah, now that you mention it. Did Korea ever fight back?"

"You wouldn't believe."

"Believe what? What happened?" Adam anxiously asked.

"Korea created a second bomb and added a new chemical. The bomb mutated anyone in the area of the gas. Luckily,we discovered a vaccine, so some people are still human. Others, not so lucky."

“Are you saying that normal people were turned into…into…monsters?” Adam asked.

“That’s pretty much what I’m sayin’,” the man replied.

Adam sighed as his head dropped back on his pillow. “How long have I been asleep?”

“For about thirty years.”

“Oh my god…” His voice trailed off. “Then who are you?”

“I’m your son,” the man said.

Adam’s eyes widened with shock, thinking there was no way that that was his son. “Excuse me?” Adam said. Adam clearly heard what the man had said, but wanted to make sure his ears weren’t deceiving him.

“When you were frozen, three days later, my mom, your wife, discovered she was pregnant,” the man explained.

“But you’re at least 25 years old,” Adam argued.

“You were frozen for 30 years, remember? Rest up. You’re gonna need it.” The man headed towards the door.

“What’s your name, kid?” Adam slowly asked

“ Kyle,” the man replied without looking back.

Adam lied in his bed. Staring continuously at the ceiling. He fell asleep, loosing hours of precious daylight. Suddenly, Kyle burst into the room, screaming “ Mom’s havin’ a seizure! Come on!”

“What?” Adam questioned as he jumped out of bed.

“Come on! I need your help,” Kyle said. Kyle led Adam to a room where a woman, in her late 50s, early 60s, lay in bed. She was convulsing uncontrollably in a deep sleep. “Dad, I need you to run across the street to that house.” Kyle pointed out the window to a moderately sized house. It was tan colored, with a brown colored roof, and was shaped like a sideways “L”. The house also had a garage the size of a small house right across from it.

“Why do I need to go there?” Adam asked.

“Because, mom needs her medication. We ran out a while ago, but I was never able to leave her alone. That house has the medicine in case we ever needed more. Once you go over there, get the medicine, and come straight back. We can’t afford to lose time. Take this.” Kyle gave a 9mm pistol with to Adam. It was very nicely polished and looked like it had never been used. The only flaw was a scrath on the handle like someone drove there nail down it.

“What’s this for?” Adam asked confused.

“You might encounter one of them. This should protect you pretty well,” Kyle said as he put his left hand on top of Adam’s hand that contained the gun and put his right hand under. “Good luck, Dad.”

Adam slowly opened the door. He looked straight down the driveway and saw an animal, which appeared to be a stag, except it was completely black. As Adam walked cautiously down the driveway, the black stag sped off into the woods. Adam was not concerned about the stag, but remained intent on his mission.

He reached the end of the driveway. As he started to cross the street as he saw something in the yard. It was feasting on a dead animal. The creature acknowledged Adam and looked up. Its soulless red eyes and sharp teeth made Adam freeze with fear. The creature resembled a dog, but, like the stag, was completely black. It started to growl at Adam.

Adam started to slowly step back. The creature started to charge at Adam. As the creature pounced to attack, Adam fired the gun, hitting it square in the face. Blood spattered in the air as the bullet punctured its skull and exited out the back. The creature lay on the ground, blood pouring from its skull.

Adam’s chest was heaving up and down with the rush of adrenaline. He rushed to the door of the house. The door was, surprisingly, unlocked. Adam slowly walked inside. “Hello? Hello?” Adam yelled. No answer. A man appeared from around the corner. He was carrying a shovel. Adam pointed the gun at him reflexively.

“Relax. I’m not one of those monsters you think I am,” the man said. Adam lowered his gun. The man went to sit on the couch in which appeared to be the family room. “So, what are you here for, son?”

“I need the medication for my wife across the street. Kyle said that you had some of it,” Adam explained.

At this time, the man stared at Adam. “Aren’t you that guy that was in that…freezing chamber or whatever?”

“Yes, I am, and I really need that medication.”

“Ok, ok, just hold on a…” the man was cut off by the shattering of the window next to him. A creature that had the face of a bat, but was much larger, sprang from the outside through the window. The man’s quick reflexes served him well. Just as the creature jumped through the window, the man grabbed the shovel to guard himself.

As the creature eagerly tried to attack the man, it had no luck in penetrating the man’s guard. He pushed the creature away. Just as the creature was about to pounce at the man, he swung the shovel straight at the creature’s face. There the creature lay on the floor.

Adam stepped closer to take a better look. He then realized that it was much like a bat. The creature had a wing-like membrane that went from its arms to its hips. It had razor sharp claws, and it walked on two legs.

“Now, lets get you that medication.” Just as the man turned around, the creature sprang back to life, emitting a high-pitched screech. The man turned around quickly, shovel in hand, and jabbed the creature straight in its throat. The thing was still moving when the man jabbed it, so he dug the shovel even harder into its throat, severing the head from the body.

He dropped his shovel where the beast lay. “This way” he said, leading Adam into the kitchen. “Now, where did I put that stuff?” The man started to search through many cabinets, throwing everything in his way out onto the floor. “Ah, here it is. Here,” the man handed Adam the medication, “take this to Kyle. He’ll know what to do.”

“Thanks…ummm…uhhh…I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name,” Adam said.

“Russ. Its short for Russell.”

“Thanks, Russ.”

“Don’t mention it. Now, your not gonna want to go out the same way,” Russ started to lead Adam back out into the living room, “because there are probably a bunch of those creatures out there so we’re…” Russ was cut off with the shock that the creature’s body remained no longer in the living room. All that was left was a large stain of blood. Russ rushed to grab his shovel.

“Where’s the body?” Adam questioned.

“Don’t you think if I knew that I wouldn’t be so afraid?” Russ replied. “Whatever took the body is bigger. Hopefully, not too much bigger. We better find the creature that took the body before it finds us. This way.”

Russ walked slowly down the hallway from the living room, shovel in hand. Adam followed, armed with his pistol. Halfway down the hall, a very large wolf broke through a door to his right and rammed right into Russ, pinning him against the wall. The wolf was standing on its hind legs while using its front legs to pin him against the wall by his shoulders.

Adam tried to shoot the creature, but the gun was jammed. Adam frantically tried to fix the gun, but it was of no use. At this point, Russ had his head turned away from the creature to avoid its foul breath and powerful jaws. The creature was staring at Russ, growling viciously, teeth showing. Adam saw the shovel on the ground. When Rus was hit, the creature’s strength was so great that it forced him to drop his shovel. Adam picked up the shovel and started to beat the creature with it. Adam's force was strong and the creature turned its head to look at Adam as he struck his first blow. The creature growled and slowly opened up its mouth to show its teeth.

Just as the creature started to release its grip on Russ, Adam struck with a final blow to the creature’s head. The creature suddenly became limp and crashed to the floor. It started to cough up blood as it lay on the ground.

“Thanks. Your tougher than I thought,” Russ stated. Russ grabbed his chest with a large grunt. He removed his hand from his chest. Blood covered his hand. There was a bloody wound where his hand once lied. “The creature dug into me with its claws. Man, it hurts like hell. You never took the vaccine, did you?”

“Never had a chance to. Right when I got out of the freezing chamber I had to come here.”

“Well, I’m sure I have it in my kitchen somewhere. Come on. After I give you that, we gotta’ get the hell outa’ here."

[Zoidberg]

This story seems pretty good, but a few more details would be nice. I noticed a couple mistakes.

First of all, the story seems sort of like...BAM! Into it. Ya know? Like he woke up, then he all of a sudden starts talking to this guy.

Now:

“Oh my god…” His voice trailed off. “Then who are you?”

“I’m your son,” the man said.

Adam’s eyes widened with shock, thinking there was no way that that was his son. “Excuse me?” Adam said. Adam clearly heard what the man had said, but wanted to make sure his ears weren’t deceiving him.

“When you were frozen, three days later, my mom, your wife, discovered she was pregnant,” the man explained.

“But you’re at least 25 years old,” Adam argued.

“You were frozen for 30 years, remember? Rest up. You’re gonna need it.” The man headed towards the door.

“What’s your name, kid?” Adam slowly asked

“ Kyle,” the man replied without looking back.

Adam lied in his bed. Staring continuously at the ceiling. He fell asleep, loosing hours of precious daylight. Suddenly, Kyle burst into the room, screaming “ Mom’s havin’ a seizure! Come on!”

Some more details there would be nice, like if he had a dream while he slept, or if the name Kyle meant anything to him. Without it, it seems like: I'm your son. Sleep. Seizure.

Also, when he says, "What's your name, kid?" maybe you should get rid of kid. I mean, you just met your son for the first time, and putting kid there just doesn't seem very right.


Man, there must be a lot of creatures, there's the deer, the dog, the bat, and the wolf all in less than ten minutes. Also, when he gets the pistol, since he's a marine, maybe you should describe it, likes it a 9mm or something. Also, the action seems sort of blunt, like:

Adam saw the shovel on the ground. When Rus was hit, the creature’s strength was so great that it forced him to drop his shovel. Adam picked up the shovel and started to beat the creature with it.

Adam struck with a final blow to the creature’s head. The creature suddenly became limp. It started to cough up blood as it lay on the floor.

You kind of missed some action there. You should include the part when the creature fell on the floor, and when he dropped the shovel. It seems out of order. It just sounds kinda weird.

Finally, you kept changing Russell's name from Rus to Russ. You should fix that.

Other than the stuff I said before, this looks like its going to be pretty good. I guess I'm kinda being hypocritical, because I am not very generous when it comes to details either.

[Coadmaster]

i like it, its got a nice flow

This si probably the only problem I had.

As the creature eagerly tried to attack the man, it had no luck in penetrating the man’s guard. He pushed the creature away. Just as the creature was about to pounce at the man, he swung the shovel straight at the creature’s face.

The bat creature thing already attacked. But you make it sound like it hadn't pounced before. Maybe put an "again" in there somewhere ^ ^

I really enjoyed this piece, Gus. Is there gonna be a chapter 2?

[Zoidberg]

Ya know what, heck with the details! This story is fine all by itself! I kinda had a change of heart recently about my post. Those things I said could be added to the story to make it a little better, but heck with it! If that's how you write, that's how you write!

I know that its kinda weird for me to say this now, but add a few details and this will be great!

[Gus2.0]

I must of forgot to change all of them to Russ. They were suppost to be Rus but i was going to change all of them because Russ is the correct way to spell it. And i know there was a lot of creatures, but the thing is that the creatures are not afraid of anything anymore like a normal deer would. A wolf doesnt stay in the froest all the time and wait for deers to run by. They are hungry fro meat and will try everything to get it.

I agree with you DnDDmDb642, i'll try to add the sagnifigance of the name Kyle in my story. I'll take out the word kid too. And i'll add more detail to the gun. Thanks for the comments guys.


P.S. Yes coadmaster, there'll be a chapter 2. Haven't finished writing it yet.

[Gus2.0]

I just edited my story. Hopefully you will find it a bit more descriptive with the wolf attack scene. And i changed all the "Rus" to "Russ".

[Razor]

Okay. The premise for this story is good. I like the direction this story is going.

I had problem with the beginning, in the fact that if I just woke from cryogenic sleep, and some person I don't know gives me a orange drink...I'm not going to drink it without hesitation. I'm going ask a) Who are you? b) What's in it?

Also, I was a little curious as to his legs being tense when he first wakes up, and then him being totally functional a few seconds later. Was the difference the drink? If so slip that little piece of info in there.

One more thing, (I know you were probably just trying to get the story going, but I personally had some questions that Adam didn't ask and it seems to me most people would ask in this situation.) Adam took the fact that people have turned into monsters really well. In fact, he doesn't show any concern, just lays down and asks how long he has been sleeping.

"Korea created a second bomb and added a new chemical. The bomb mutated anyone in the area of the gas. Luckily,we discovered a vaccine, so some people are still human. Others, not so lucky."

“Are you saying that normal people were turned into…into…monsters?” Adam asked.

“That’s pretty much what I’m sayin’,” the man replied.

Adam sighed as his head dropped back on his pillow. “How long have I been asleep?”

I, personally, would have Adam say, "What do you mean 'still human?'" And then have his son tell him about the mutations into animals... which I'm guessing is what happened. I realize you might be keeping this as a secret for later, but I think most readers are going to be quick to make the association. Besides most people wouldn't send someone outside with these creatures without first warning them about what they are and what they look like.

If you're looking to spin it like the son is pissed with the father, make that more apparent, and then send Adam out there without prior knowledge. I mean that is one way for a son to get back at their father for not being around...25+ years.

Other than that, the story was fine. The action was a little sluggish because of wording.

“Ok, ok, just hold on a…” the man was cut off by the shattering of the window next to him. A creature that had the face of a bat, but was much larger, sprang from the outside through the window. The man’s quick reflexes served him well. Just as the creature jumped through the window, the man grabbed the shovel to guard himself.

This isn't bad, but use description in your action:

"Ok, ok just hold on a-" A black fury of fur and wings careens through the window, landing in a heap of claws and fangs before springing back onto two feet. The owner of the house whips the shovel against a vicious swipe from the bat-like beast, and backs up trying to get outside of its reach.

Adam slowly opened the door. He looked straight down the driveway and saw an animal, which appeared to be a stag, except it was completely black. As Adam walked cautiously (towards the house?) down the driveway, the black stag sped off into the woods. Adam was not concerned about the stag, but remained intent on his mission.

In this paragraph, the red can be taken out and it won't hurt the description or narration. You use, "down the driveway," in back to back sentences. Try and find another way to say the same thing. "Adam" is used in all three sentences. Break it up with things like, "the old war veteran," or "brown haired man," etc.

There other spots in the story like this, where some "weeding" would greatly improve the overall writing of this story.

“Relax. I’m not one of those monsters you think I am,” the man said.

As the creature eagerly tried to attack the man, it had no luck in penetrating the man’s guard. He pushed the creature away. Just as the creature was about to pounce at the man, he swung the shovel straight at the creature’s face. There the creature lay on the floor.

"Creature" is used 5 times in four sentences. The action is slow developing.

The creature attacks again, only to be rebuked. Now it charges teeth and claws thrashing. He sidesteps using the shovel to push past the fiend. The black brute stops trying to turn it's ungraceful body, and promptly receives the flat side of a shove upside its head. It goes silence and crumbles to the floor.


Speed it up and be descriptive. Its like this, you can say the same thing two ways. "See spot run. Spot runs fast. Spot runs fast, over to the water dish." OR "The brown haired Collie raced across lawn sending fluttering blades of grass in her quest to reach her goal." Same thing... which would you rather read.

My biggest suggestion is to go through smooth things out, watch repetition of nouns and streamline things to make the action hit harder.

Good story man really. I like it. I'm just trying to give some constructive criticism to take this to the next level.

[Gus2.0]

Hey Razor, if yu wanna find out what happened you should read the prologue. It gives a background on what happened to make these people mutate. Once i type chapter 2, i'll reveal more about what happened.

[RENA HANDS]

So let me get this straight…a man who has been asleep for the past ‘thirty years,’ he’s not just a bit ‘weary,’ but now he’s drinking something resembling ‘orange juice?’ And he’s having a coherent conversation about the war?

You are rushing the action.

Wouldn’t Mr. Grey soldier or not be a bit more than dazed after being frozen? Also, what kind of ‘chryo bank’ is this? How did it sustain these soldiers? What effects did it have on these men? They are of sound mind as well as body, ready to fight?

You could have made the introduction of the son in another chapter. Explaining also the ‘effects’ of the pregnant woman/wife of Mr. Grey.

In another chapter you could describe the level of effects to the ‘zombies.’
Again, just for me personally, objectively you are ‘rushing’ the action(s).