[Coadmaster]

Synopsis: Meet the Chancellor;



The conference room was hot and muggy, flies swimming lazily in the heat. More than half of the people in the room could be seen fanning themselves profusely with whatever could be found; paper, CD covers, and the ever so popular hand were among the most common, though an occasional, yet not so useful, Empire-branded pen was used in the cooling efforts. Belligerent calls and shouts could be heard throughout the large, cavernous hall.

"Damn," Ryu muttered to Al, scratching at his tie profusely in an attempt to loosen it. "Where are the cooling units when you need 'em?"

"Don't worry, it's right about time when the meeting starts," Al said back, obviously as uncomfortable as Ryu was. "It's always when everyone becomes irritable, just short of riot-" He pointed to the Fox Brigade units, who were squabbling amongst themselves loudly. "Is when he shows up. And just as everything falls apart, as if on cue-"

The cooling vents on the roof creaked open, letting in a soft comfortable breeze fill the room. Chancellor Basenji, a tall man with strong, chiseled features, stepped up to the lecture platform ceremoniously, thin shoulders donned in an ancient robe only worn when addressing the Brigades. The robe was of silk tinted the crimson red of the Legion, the bold, striking colorstanding out on the blinding white of the platform. His piercing green eyes seemed to gaze out at everyone in the audience, giving him their full attention. A noisome round of applause followed.

"-The conquering hero arrives," Ryu finished, grinning at Al sarcastically.

Al scoffed, rolling his head to his left shoulder facing Ryu. "More like Prince Charming, here to fix all the world's problems."

The crowd hushed to a whisper, and the chancellor bowed. "Hello all, it is a pleasure to see you all again in one piece. Though we have lost a few brave, noble marines in the recent, their memories will go on in our hearts. Their noble deeds will never be forgotten, and they will never cease to exist." He lowered his head in a sign of respect for a few seconds, and then went on. "But you, the proof of their conquest, are still here, alive today. Many worlds we've colonized, many worlds we've improved. Our advances in science, philosophy, and culture have exceeded all other civilization booms in the history of humanity. Yet all that stand in our way from our unlimited potential, our age-old dreams of holding the stars in our hands, is the Terrix."

The curtains behind him pulled away dramatically, revealing a huge, complicated map, dotted with bright, multi-colored lights signifying certain planets, green for clean worlds, blue for invaded worlds, and red for infested worlds.

"As most of you know," he started again, clasping his hands behind his back firmly. "the Terrix are our enemies, an ancient race of aliens bent on destroying everything we've worked so hard to achieve. Since before recorded history, they have terrorized our colonized worlds, sterilized entire solar systems of humans. We have tried to contain them in the past, with little to no success. All we can do is lead them to unpopulated planets to keep them at bay."


"Our strategists have spent years trying to figure out how to drive the Terrix vermin away. And today, we have one!" He pulled out a small remote control from the confines of his sleeve, and pressing one of several buttons on the controllers, and a neon green light made its way across the map. The light branched off into seven other lights, spiraling across the galaxy, each stopping on an infested planet, the red planet turning green, and moving onward again.

"Each of these dots represent a Brigade squad," the chancellor said, not so much at glancing at the map behind him. "What we've had such a hard time trying to figure out is how to effectively destroy a large group of Terrix at one time. Close range had seemed the most effective method, but quantity over quality is war, I suppose, and Terrix definitely have the quantity. But!" He slammed his fist on the podium, the sound echoing through the silent room. "Our scientists finally have a way to destroy their mind link with the Core."

A quiet murmur of disbelief went through the crowd, nervous faces all about the room.

"I know how odd it sounds, my friends, but I guarantee you that I'm telling the truth. And to prove it..."

He smirked suavely, and pressed another button on the remote. The room shook steadily, a low, grinding sound accompanying it. Everyone in the room looked around, searching for the cause. A single person stood up and pointed skywards.

"Up there!" the man yelled, looking a little panicked. "Up on the roof!"

The roof, or what would have been the roof, had opened up to something above the conference hall, though too dark to see. A terrible odor swept through the hall, the circulation system not able to take it all away in time. Greenhorns covered their noses, wondering what could have made the terrible smell, but Veterans knew the smell quite well; the stale, rotting stench of death. Accompanying the deathly odor was an assortment of howling, hissing, moaning, and other sounds humans could never imitate. His smirk grew as he pressed another button. the sound of metal against metal joined the motley orchestra as a large cage lowered from the dark abyss above the Brigadiers. It stopped twelve feet from the ground, directly above the chancellor, revealing three Terrix Screechers* being held. Everyone gasped at the sight, save the chancellor, who stood triumphantly under the cage. One of the Screechers ceased its useless gnawing at the cage, and lived up to its name, shrieking so loud it was barely audible. He frowned and pressed another button, and instantly the cage was glowing, electricity dancing between the cage bars. By the time the Screechers quieted down, they were on the ground, panting heavily, unable to go on.

"The Terrix are controlled by the Core, the single solitary mind of the entire race," he said, passionate rage building in his voice as he spoke. He pressed the bottom button on the remote, and a peculiar looking orb, no bigger than a fist, rose out of the pedestal he was leaning on. "Now watch what happens, when that link between the Core is severed!"

He raised his fist over his head, and brought it down on the orb with as much force as his body could muster. The orb shattered, and a strong breeze blew through the onlookers. The Screechers by now had recovered, and were casually bashing their cage. The breeze blew across them, and all hell broke loose. They immediately froze in place, looking as confused as an interplanetary predator could. And then they went berserk, shrieking as loud as possible and throwing themselves against the cage. One turned on another, jumping on it and tearing into the flesh with its sharp, saw-like teeth. The victim screamed with pain, and threw itself against the only Screecher still going after freedom. All at once, they were biting, scratching, and tearing at each other, shredding themselves to pieces. In two minutes, there was nothing left of them but blood and guts. Bits of muscle were strewn across the cage, blood dripping into Fox Brigade's area topped off the scene. the Fox Brigade table slowly corroded in the pool of blood, a faint wisp of smoke in the air. The crowd approved.

"Now you see what our mission is?" the chancellor continued his heated debate with himself, half-crazed under the shade of the cage. "We drop these on all the infested planets, and they destroy themselves! We will beat these beasts, no matter what! We will have Peace! We will have Order! We will have, a better life for all Humankind!"

The crowd roared With excitement; Caps were taken off the respective heads and thrown into the air. Al wasn't impressed.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_ ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

The Surrogate had followed the Core's instructions completely; growth was controlled and gradual. The velvet web had grown scaly and hard. It was now twice the size it once was, veins creeping along the surface. It was no longer really a creature, more like a structure. All was going according to plan...

BZZZZZZZZZZZT~----

The connection with the Core was lost. The Surrogate was completely alone. Instinct took over where the Core would be. Without input from the Core, the Surrogate did the only thing it knew: to Grow.



*Screechers are one of the most common Terrix known, as they are used most often in planetary assaults. The Screecher is closest in appearance to Deinonychus antirrhopus, with more red feathers, sharp teeth, and large claws. The thing that sets these off from the rest is its peculiar habit to screech before atacking. The screech itself is used to temporarily stun and deafen the enemy. Their last resort would be to mutilate itself and throw itself upon the enemy, as the blood is extremely acidic and can burn through most metals and alloys. Screechers are extremely dangerous, just as all other Terrix are. They are not to be tampered with unless absolutely necessary.

[Zoidberg]

Excellent, Coadmaster. Simply Excellent. First of all, it was longer than the previous chapters, so it gave a lot more information, which is always good. I love how you use the footnotes to explain the Terrix. However, there was a couple mistakes, nothing major though:

One turned on another, jumping on it and tearing into the flesh with its sharp, saw-like teeth. the victim screamed with pain, and threw itself against the only Screecher still going after freedom. All at once, they were biting, scratching, and tearing at each other, shredding themselves to pieces. in two minutes, there was nothing left of them but blood and guts.

You need some capitilization on in and the victim

Our scientist finally have a way to destroy their mind link with the Core."

I think you meant scientists?

Thats all of them, I think.

For some reason, the Chancellor reminds me of Palpatine from Star Wars.

Once again, I love how you describe all the Terrix.

Great Job, and keep up the good work.

[Coadmaster]

thanks, DnD ^ ^ right on it. (gawd, took me this long to realise you commented on it XD)

[RENA HANDS]

Are you labeling with Parts or Chapter, a bit confusing for me.

If chapters then say…Chapter 3

Or if Parts then say Part 3 Meeting the Chancellor (I could be wrong about this, please seek the expertise of an editor.)

What about…when the meeting starts, Al responded, obviously as uncomfortable as Ryu was. ?

I'll have to return to the remaining content.

[RENA HANDS]

I think…

and the ever (so) popular (flapping) hand were among the most common, though an occasional, yet not so useful (maybe describe the type of pen(s) being used) were used in cooling efforts. ?

What about…

scratching his tie incessantly in an attempt to loosen it. ?

Instead of saying that Al was ‘uncomfortable,’ why not so it in his actions throwing in the dialogue too?

I think…letting in a soft (cooling) breeze fill(ing) the room. ?

Possibly, ...his crimson attire tinted with hues of red, bold, proud color of the Legion, (Or something similar.)

I think in this instance where you are saying they look at the Chancellor, it would be like saying they were staring at the Mayor. So capitalize Chancellor is what I’m suggesting.

Here too…

and the Chancellor bowed.

Your speech seems too abrupt and short…Though we have lost a few brave, noble Marines within the past few days, their memories will go on in our hearts. (A suggestion.)

I would think that being this is such a personal speech then why not throw in…We must reach forward for a shining future! The Terrix have taken much from us, but they will not take (our) Hope! We will advance and we will be victorious! (Just my thoughts.)

I am not how to make more dramatic the delivery of the speech, but there is a way and a nice touch with the rising curtains behind him.

Show us action don’t just tell us that he is doing something.

Other words for ‘infested,’ contaminated, polluted, plague-ridden and tainted.

Describe the excited, energetic voice of the Chancellor.

The Chancellor’s smile…(avoid his title twice and say ‘him.’)

I don’t think the comma is needed here…

Now watch what happens when (the) link between it and the Core is separated, destroyed, severed. ?

(The) Fox Brigade…

I think whole presentation and delivery of the speech to its people/soldiers could be greatly more dramatic. You are using Chancellor too much, try other words (he/him).

The soldiers/audience/crowd could have been more illustrated in form and actions. The destructive example could have been more in depth in graphic imagery.

The last sentence about the Core could be rewritten so that you are not repeating the word so much. I will rate 2/5 for this singular chapter.