[Coadmaster]

Synopsis: A sidestory to the main one, It'll link next chapter. A bit more macabre than my other chapters... Hope you enjoy! :]



It was another hot, dry day on the rain-shadowy landscape of Gallows, the first planet to be colonized, and first to be considered a failure. The water-deficient world was not friendly to its human counterparts, and destroyed most colonies within a year, either by sickness, starvation, or by dehydration. The people adapted, though, and split into small nomadic societies, isolated by the immensity of the desert. Oases were populated, and when they were squeezed dry, the nomads moved on.

Jersey, one of the largest of the nomadic cities that still existed, had just begun to feel the touch of the sand, as the large oasis it was situated next to had been almost completely drained, . Three Scouts* were selected to find a suitable place for the city to move on to. Plumes of dust rose into the blood red sky as the Scouts moved forward in one of the last remaining Roamers*, the search beginning.

The Roamer was coated with a protective resin to keep the metal outside from rusting, giving it a glossy amber sheen to it. The Scouts were wrapped in heavy garments from head to toe, protective goggles covering their eyes and shielding them from the stinging sand. The driving Scout sat in the only seat on the Roamer, the other two hanging on the outer bars, searching for any sign of water. The one driving didn’t look, only intent on keeping the Roamer upright on the rolling dunes.

“This place is great, huh?” The one driving said sarcastically, rolling the steering wheel all the way to the right to avoid topping a dune his wandering mind led him up to. “Whoops, sorry there, Greg,”

“Just keep this thing upright, willya, Hugh?” Greg snapped, barely keeping a grip on the resin-laden bars of the Roamer. “You nearly threw me off on that turn! If you can’t take a dune, don’t go near it, y’hear me?”

“Alright, Greg…”

“Now c’mon,” Serge said, turning towards Greg. “He’s only twenty. Cut him slack.”

Though thoroughly covered with the thick layer of fabric, Hugh could obviously tell Greg was flustered, so Hugh held his tongue for more than an hour. But, as the Sun finally sank below the horizon, and his teenage mind took over the mock-mature one, he felt the need to socialize again.

“Don’t you think we should stop, Serge?” Hugh said, noticing how dark it was getting. It would be impossible to see anything in a few minutes.

“No, we can’t, sorry,” Serge muttered, feeling the need to keep going. But he turned to Hugh and smiled gently, trying to ease the tension. “The faster we find some water, the faster we can get back and collect our reward.”

“Yeah, but we need our rest too! How about we stop over their, next to those shrubs? I’ll even set up-”

Hugh was cut off by something jumping in front of the Roamer. The Roamer smashed right into it, a sickening crunch barely audible above the creature’s high-pitched shrieking. Hugh’s face slammed against the steering wheel, shattering the goggles and unraveling the wrap around his head. Greg and Serge flew forward a full six feet before hitting the sandy ground. Hugh lifted his head from the wheel dazedly, removing the ruined goggles and wrap to get a better view of what had happened. His red hair stood out in the Roamer’s headlights as he jumped out of it and knelt over the creature he hit. Green slime oozed out of the still-twitching beast in front of him. The head of the Thing* was monstrous, with long, thin, needle-like teeth poking out from the crushed mouth they were set in. Scythe-like claws, the likes of which Hugh had never seen, ended four powerful-looking arms on its sides. The lower half of it resembled a huge snake, the scales on the tail making a pattern of red and purple diamonds. Hugh was both amazed and disgusted by what lay before him.

“What the hell are you?” he whispered to the Thing, touching the hard exoskeleton of the animal.

“Looks sorta like an insect,” Serge said, shaking the sand out of his outfit.

“Or a demon,” Greg chimed in, stretching his legs and moving towards the thing.

“I doubt it’s a demon,” Hugh said, rolling his eyes. “But you’re right Serge, it does have the skin of a bug, and it’s got the looks like I’ve never seen.”

“But It’s just one,” Serge said, running his hands through his dirty blonde mullet.

“But usually, insects stick together-”

“-So is this thing really alone?”

A deafening scream answered their question. Hugh and Serge turned, startled by the call, and found Greg being lifted up by something. It only took a moment to realize that it resembled the Thing lying before them, and in that time, three others appeared from below the ground next to Greg. Hugh got up and slid across the hood of the Roamer, and jumped toward the trunk. Serge was right behind him. He lifted the trunk door and grabbed two pistols from the trunk, handed one to Serge, but the macabre performance unfolding in front of him stunned him into immobility. The Thing holding Greg hissed at them, and threw him onto the ground. Before Greg could react, the thing ran one of its claws across his stomach, penetrating through the skin and pulling out the organs. He screeched again, his guts popping out of the open wound in a tangle of tubes, juices, and blood. Two other Things joined in, tearing at Greg with such brutality that Hugh thought he was going to be sick right then and there.

He was startled out of his trance by a second scream joining the first. He turned to Serge, which had the fourth Thing over his back. It bared its teeth, forming a smile that only nightmares could produce, and sank them into Serge’s neck. The screams grew in intensity, and Hugh nearly fell unconscious as they filled his head, seeming to echo inside his brain. The scream was cut off by the Thing, as it pulled its teeth out of Serge’s neck, taking a large portion of his Jugular along with them. A torrent of blood sprayed through the wound, spotting Hugh’s face with the taboo paint. Hugh’s eyes grew wide as the thing moved toward him, dropping Serge’s lifeless corpse on the ground. Hugh took a step back, squeezing his eyes shut.

Rage took hold inside his head, and his vision hazed over in red. He gritted his teeth, and held the gun out in front of him, and as the Thing slithered closer, he pulled the trigger, and again, and again. The bullets penetrated the exoskeleton of the Thing, blowing it apart, and it screeched, falling backwards as it died. The others, done with Greg’s insides, responded to the call, moving with unnatural speed toward Hugh. He jumped into the Roamer, and fired at the incoming enemies. Three bullets went wild, and the remaining six embedded themselves in the skulls of the two Things in front. The remaining Thing climbed over its fallen comrades like nothing ever happened, and continued its voyage. Before he could load another round into his gun, the Thing was upon him, menacing eyes staring malignantly at his own, almost as if reading his terror. Without thinking, Hugh punched at it with his left hand, and stared in horror as it was engulfed in the Thing’s mouth, trapped in its needle prison. He screamed, and the Thing clawed at him, slicing though his heavy tunic like tissue paper. His cry increased in intensity, and he brought the butt of the gun down on the top of the Thing’s skull, feeling a depression where he hit it. He pistol whipped it again, and again, and again.

Finally, the skull popped, green ooze pouring onto his trapped arm and covering his gun. He dropped his gun with a yelp, the slime all over it burning his hand. The acidic substance then burned through the material covering his arm trapped in the jaws of the Thing, and he yelped in pain. He couldn’t pull His hand free from the Thing, and tears flowed unbidden down his face. The goo was eating through his flesh now, and he could do nothing but watch as it happened. The searing acid bit through everything it went over, activating pain receptors so deep Hugh didn’t think it possible. Finally, it ate all the flesh off of his forearm, leaving only the blinding white of the bone beneath, smoothed out by the acid into perfect roundness. He stared at it, horrified. It felt like he had watched for hours, though it was closer to seconds. He physically shook from emotions he didn’t understand welling up inside. He screamed into the freezing night air, anger fighting off every other emotion. He wiped off the ooze from the gun, and held it tightly in his right hand. Blind fury had taken hold of him, and he slammed the butt of the gun down on the smooth bone. And again. And again.

“God- Dammit! All we came here for was some goddam water!” Hugh screamed into the night, bringing the gun down on the bone at a maniac’s pace. His face was red from exertion, and after a full minute’s work, the bone shattered, his nerves jumping back to life. He bit his tongue from the pain, and felt tears in his eyes again. He rocked back and forth, sobbing like a child who felt the cold touch of death on a relative for the first time. “Just some water….”

He jumped at a hissing sound in front of him that reminded him of the situation. Tears still in his eyes, he turned the Roamer around, and went back towards the city full throttle. With his right hand he steered, with the stump of his left hand cradled across his chest, still rocking back and forth in the seat.

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*Scouts are groups of trackers specially trained to the job of locating large oases for the city they’re assigned to. If they fail in their task and return empty-handed, they are either exiled, or are executed on the spot.

*Roamers are archaic vehicles brought by the original colonists. They vaguely resemble the Quads used in the 20th century as entertainment and transportation, though they are of a bulkier nature, fitted with an engine that uses hydrogen separated from water as fuel. The engine’s process of hydrogen burning creates only water, making an everlasting cycle, which is imperative for long voyages on Gallows. The methods for making Roamers have been lost, making the remaining vehicles extremely valuable.

*The Thing is the newest species in the Terrix family, and almost no research has been done on it, as they die quickly in captivity, and kill each other when in close quarters. They attack in small groups of four, cornering a single opponent into submission. Its teeth are made for gripping, to pin the victim, then uses its claws to do major damage. It seems their blood is acidic. These are one of the most dangerous Terrix known, so be especially cautious when in small squads.

[Zoidberg]

Hey, Coadmaster. Another Great Piece, however (sadly) there are several errors I should point out. Here they are:

“Alright, Greg…”

“Now c’mon, Greg,” Serge said, turning towards Greg. “He’s only twenty. Cut him slack.”

I think you used "Greg" too many times. You don't need it the first time, or after "c'mon".

The head of the Thing* was monstrous, long and thin needle-like teeth poking out from the crushed mouth they were set in.

I think you should get rid of "and" and just put in a comma, and put "with" in between monstrous and long.

He screeched again, his guts popping out of the open wound in a tangle of tubes, juices, and blood.

Ewwww....

He gritted his teeth, and held the gun out in front of him, and as the Thing the trigger, and again, and again, and again.

I think you are missing stuff in between "Thing" and "the trigger".

Tears still in his eyes, he turned the Roamer around, and went back towards the city full throttle, steering with his one hand, and cradling the stump that used to be his other hand on his chest, still rocking back and forth in his seat.

That's sort of a run-on sentence.

That's (I think) all of them. Maybe you'll catch some more if you go over it again.

Anyway, I really liked this piece, and I can't wait to see how it ties in. Keep 'em coming!

[RENA HANDS]

A ‘side story’ to the main? Either it is a chapter or it is not, don’t ‘side step.’

I think…and destroyed most (of its) colonies within a year,

Again, show us adaptation, don’t just tell us that they ‘adapted.’

Are you ending this sentence…

almost completely drained, . ?

Are there more than one driver, if yes, then say…The driver said sarcastically,

Possibly,

The faster we can find some water, the (sooner) we can return to collect our reward. ?

I think you mean…

How about we stop over there next to the shrubs? ?

The ship (had) smashed right into it, (so you are not constantly using Roamer.) Or even spacecraft.

You could just say…His read hair stood out in the headlights as he jumped…

Again, show us the creature/actions, don’t just tell us.

Just say…appeared from below the ground of the (stumbling) Greg. What was his position?

I think…the Thing ran one…

Also,…pulling out (his) organs. Make it more human.

Other words for ‘scream,’ shriek, screech, squeal, yell, cries.

I think…as the Thing moved toward him, (It’s not extremely important, but choose toward or towards.)

Not at all important, but your story reminds me of StarShip Troopers. And that story/movie/epic was not only extremely graphic, but in depth with its activity. You have the idea, I think though that your repetition is short cutting the intensity you want to illustrate in this vigorous adventure. I will rate 2/5!

[superbum]

Your witting has definitely improved from the first time I read The Terrix part 1 keep p the good work.

[Coadmaster]

^_^ will do!