Synopsis: My story's based off the legends of the fayre folk in old England. I don't know how to further describe it without giving away stuff that I'd rather the reader get confused about or figure out on their own.


Shifting light. Why is there light moving across my face? Oh....I had fallen asleep under an elm tree. It cannot have been long though... it's still daylight. Wait a second. Is it only three o'clock? Well, I went to the hill at around two thirty, which means I probably fell asleep around that time. Hmm...the second-hand isn't moving on my watch. Strange.
I should be probably getting back to the village soon. For some reason, the hill doesn't seem like it usually does. I can't quite place a finger on it... it looks exactly the same as I've always known it. But at the same time it seems different, like I'm just discovering it for the first time on this day. It somehow seems... fresher. Like the air has somehow made everything seem cleaner, and not as dull as it has always been. And through that air everything seems to have cleared up, like there was some sort of mist in the air before, but now it has gone. There's also a scent in the air that's different. It kind of smells like the nectar we offer up to the fayre folk. Why would I smell that here, there isn't any type of flower up at the top of the hill. Nor anywhere around it. It doesn't even grow in the forest until you get near the village. Well, maybe if the wind is strong it could come all the way across the fields on the other side of the hill. Yea, that has to be it. All in all, the surroundings seem to be changed. It might even feel magical, I don't know. Maybe I'm getting delirious.

You've just woken up; of course everything is going to feel fresh. Snap out of it. Okay, start moving. Start walking down to the path through the forest. You still have to get home at a reasonable hour and meet Stacy before she gets worried.
Wait... what is that? Is that the sound of a violin? What eerie music. I wonder where it's coming from.

Ok, now the music has stopped. Forget about it, you really don't want to arrive too late. Take a step, now another. Ouch...Why are my legs so sore? Just keep moving, it's already starting to get dark. Wait...how could that be? It's only three o'clock.
My legs feel like they haven't been used for a long time. How long was I asleep? Worry about that later, concentrate on getting home now. Through the forest. Come on, one step after the other.

Why don't I hear anything now? It felt like as soon as I entered, the whole world became deathly quiet. The forest itself also seems like there's a sinister presence around. It seems much darker then I last remember it, as if the trees were reaching over the path to block out the sun.

You're probably just paranoid. Stop getting distracted by other thoughts.
Wait a second, is that a head? Human? There it is again, this time definite. The creature it belongs to is short, about half my height. A child, I wonder? No, it looks adult. Blond hair, red eyes, broad chin. It doesn't look like anybody I know, but then again, I don't know many people. The village is isolated. In fact, now that I think about it, the head looks like how the elders described the fayre folk. Yes, this creature is definitely what that fable is based on. I wonder why it's staring at me. I can't get over those red eyes...they seem to see right through me. I'm entranced...I'm...

Falling. Wait a second, how am I falling? How did I get here? What happened to the woods, to the red-eyed creature? Why don't I feel vertigo? Ah, because I don't have a point to lock on to. How do I even know I'm falling?

It sort of feels like I've been trapped in a soothsayer's crystal ball. The walls (if I may call them that) are sloped gently downwards and upwards, meeting at the top and bottom and at the sides. Like a globe. Except with psychedelic colors. Great, I'm trapped in a ball. Without feeling like I'm moving. In fact, I don't think I'm moving at all. Wouldn't that defy all logic? Why the hell am I even here?
Vertigo. Am I falling? Or it just that that light is coming towards me? Where had it come from? No, I'm definitely not falling, that light is going to hit me. Will it kill me? There it is... fear. Gnawing away at my insides like a starved hyena does to a carcass. The light is going to hit.

Truth. Pure and unblemished. Knowledge is power. Other realities, whole other cultures living with us, but outside of our sight. Gods, but not as we imagine them. All knowing, all seeing, but still only confined to their own little niche of space-time. Everything makes sense. No, it doesn't. The knowledge is way too vast to be absorbed by me.
Screaming. Is that my own? Why would I be screaming? Why aren't my senses working?
Pain, beyond anything that I have felt before. Torture at the molecular level. Being torn apart atom by atom then being reconstructed, only to have the process repeated. How long will this last?




Shifting light. Why is there light moving across my face? Is this the path in the woods? Why am I curled up like this? Get up, that's right. A child. A child with blond hair and red eyes. What eerie red eyes. Is that a violin playing somewhere? Why is this child approaching me. No, not a child. What is he? What did he whisper? "Now you understand"?? What is there to understand?

Touched.



thanks to mr ferrari for the inspiration

ok, this is my forth revision. please comment on this

[JirQUEST]

my god... the tense shift really irritates at this hr (when i should be sleeping but cant). find a tense and keep to it. stop switching in and out.

u have a good story idea. very interesting, and i always liked the premise of a dream within a dream. Radiodenver's done that too.

but u ruin ur story with random thoughts. while it happens in the real world, it might not look good on paper. lesser thoughts i say, more actions. he woke up in a strange place, sure he will have many questions, but do i care how he feels abt terror in general? no. keep it laced with actions, some emotions to describe his confusion. perhaps a bit more on his setting, to give that feel of a dream world.

good luck with it. u have something good here. dun let it waste.

thanks, i was very sloppy with this since i wrote it at about 3 in the morning and didnt bother to really look at it before i put it online. sorry bout that, it was carelessness on my part. i consider this one of my most sloppy works, but ill be updating it soon, probably this weekend. plz, more input.

ok, i revised it, pls people comment on how its going now, i did this late at night again, so it probably has a couple flaws

3rd revision. will somebody please provide some feedback, i cant really critique my own work

[Epsilonist]

The revisions do seem to be improving the story, though my memory of the last time I read this piece isn't the clearest.

Most of your story is written as a stream of conscious thought. This seems to work well for the subject, but in the first couple paragraphs you have some sentences that are 'description' rather than 'thought'. For example:

That is the first thing I see as I come to consciousness.

This is a descriptive comment that sounds like the character is telling a story. If you were alone on a hill and thinking things to yourself, you would not phrase thoughts as though you were describing the situation to another person. Other descriptive comments in your story include:

Suddenly I snap fully back to conscious, and reason floods my senses. I had fallen asleep under an elm tree.

Ive spent most of my life here, just laying around doing nothing. Right above me is the lonely tree at the peak under which I had fallen asleep, and the rugged path winding its way lazily through the forest towards the small town I belong to.

and

Faintly I can smell something that smells like the nectar we offer to the fairy folk.

To make my comment clearer, a way to revise the last sentence I mentioned might be:
"What is that scent? It's faint...but familiar, a bit like the nectar we offer to the fairy folk."

In this way, it seems as though the reader is merely listening in on the character's thoughts, which is the way the rest of your story reads.

Good luck.

thanks! that was exactly what i was finding was wrong with my story. i just couldnt place my finger on it. ok, revised again. please continue to critique ^.^

[Duke of Pork]

I'm not sure I like the constant barrage of random thoughts, but an interesting story nonetheless.

[maxaynjj]

I really enjoyed this, it was very refreshingly new.

Excellent!

[rmkpeace]

It may just be me but I got lost as to what was happening to him. I read through it twice and looked at the other comments and I'm guessing the guy is in a dream? It's good but kinda hard to understand. And what is the significance of the blond guy? Nice work overall.

[parker2k]

I really enjoyed your story and I thought the use of random thoughts made it possible to believe that you were literaly hearing someone think. Reading through it, it made me compare your story to how an insane person would think, or someone on psychadelic drugs would experience the world if for instance the story itself wasn't real but was the characters experience filtered through drugs, or insanity.

[RENA HANDS]

Nothing ruins a story than bad spacing. You need to watch that!

What is the Hill? If it’s a specific location then I think you should capitalize it.

I think your tense is wrong. Are we in the present or the past?

Your introduction could be more detailed to show a more “delirious state” of mind.

What about saying…Ok, the melody has stopped/ceased? And what kind of tune is it? What is the musical instrument being used to execute this sound? Even though you have told me it's a violin you could still add words illustrating the type of sound being made.

Not certain, but I think Fayre Folk should be capitalized.

I want much more detail on the village, the woods, the character who is speaking. Details. Details. Details. And some dialogue wouldn’t hurt the story either.

[Gus2.0]

A pretty strange story but very original. It was like somebody drugged his drink or something. That would stink. You have to have spaces between some of the paragraphs though.

I think this is wrong:

I should be probably getting back to the village soon.

shouldnt it be: I should probably be getting back to the village soon.? just switch the be and probably around thats it. Overall it was pretty good. It gave me an eerie sense of fear.