[DeadGuy]

Jack was driving home late one night after a hard day at work , he was passing trough a wooded area when suddenly a beautiful young blonde jumped up naked in front of his car , he barely missed her and started hitting the dash:

God damn hooker.....i almost killed her . That stupid bitch.....she was probably high and wanted a quick fuck......god damn junkie.....she almost wrecked my car......that's all i need now......

He kept on driving , not wanting any trouble from the girl or her pimp.After finally getting out of the small forest , Jack was surprised to see that it had started to rain , but that didn't bother him , he was so tiered that World War Three could start and he wouldn't care. When he finally got in the city Jack noticed that the streets ware empty but that make sense , it was raining....he pulled up in front of a traffic light and wondered why the hell doesn't he just pass the red light.....no one is there to see him anyway.

Before he was able to finish that thought a strange sweetish smell made him turn around towards the back seat, he was surprised to see the blonde from before....still naked.....but she was dry as if she was in his car all along...

What the fuck are you doing there , how the hell did you get in ?!?!?!?!?!?

Before he could say anything else she leaned forward , and kissed him gently on the cheek. Stunned, Jack paused for a minute , as if he wanted to preserve that sweet electrifying sensation on his lips ...then he pulled back violently and started to scream at the girl :

"Who are you ?! What do you want ?! Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"I am the girl of your dreams, I am the result of all your hopes and desiers, I am your destiny, I am your soul mate, join me and we will be together for ever."

Jack, stunned after hearing what that incredibly beautiful woman said barely managed to open his mouth.

"What the hell are you on ?! Get the fuck out of my car before i call the police."

"Don't be scared my love, you will soon understand everything, you do not have any reason to doubt me, I know you feel it, the atraction, the love, the pasion that lies between us, join me my love. Join me and be happy for eternity."

"Join you? Join you in what? Get out of my car!"

"Come on my love, kiss me. Kiss me and all will be reveald to you."

Jack, as if pushed by a invisible force, leand forward to kiss the woman ...

After the long and pasionate kiss the woman apared in the front seat next to Jack, which, without saying any word started the car and drove twards the ultimate destination.....hell.

DeadGuy

[DarkPower]

Interesting story....I thought the guy Jack was a Jackass actually...fits his name perfectly.... As short stories go it certainly was short... I would like to read more things by you

[JirQUEST]

lack of setting, description, a severely rushed pace like u just wanted to get to the end of the piece, bad spelling, overuse of punctuations. this piece is so bad that i stopped reading after the fifth paragraph. honestly, u can do a lot better. this is something u churn out 10 minutes b4 ur essay is due.

[Elvisceration]

I thought it was cool and JirQuest IS Simon Cowell! I thought it was interesting and weird

[Ambrose]

I have to agree with JirQUEST on this one. The descriptions were mediocre at best. The story moved way too fast. There are short stories, some even shorter than this one, that work because they concentrate on a single moment. You tried to capture way too much in such a tiny frame of space.

The narration was the highlight of the story. You kept me mildly interested, but my interest began to drift towards the end. I got the impression that you, the author, didn't even know where you going with this until the last moment.

The characterisation was tolerable at best. Jack was your only real character really. You managed to establish that he's angry and impatient. But aside from that, he is entirely one dimensional, until the very end where out of the blue he decides to kiss the woman. Without an explanation as to why he acts this way, when up till that point he had been totally withdrawn from her, it makes his character seem inconsistent and unbelievable.

I didn't think the use of expletives was necessary here. There is a time and a place where swearing can be meaningful, usually to accentuate or contrast what you are already conveying with your descriptions. But here, it felt like you were having the Jack swear just for the hell of it. The net effect was that it made you look less professional in your writing.

The plot was abysmal. The way the story is constructed sets the reader up to expect an explanation to the seemingly confusing events that precede the end. There was no explanation to be had, however. All in all, it felt like a bad joke without a punchline.

[Tongo]

Well, the author can swear OK. But I must admit that, short though it is I couldn't actually be bothered to read past the first paragraph or two without jumping to the end. More like a set of notes for a story than a story itself. At a guess I would say.....a VERY young author, but hey, we all start somewhere.

[Enreg]

The Story is great, but the swearing is a bit much. It almost seems as if he is a pimp himself with all that cussing. Maybe a little more background information on Jack can hepl with him personality.

I would like to see this story continued, I want to see hell

[Maud]

then why did you give it all ones? Five is the best man.

[DanielMathis]

"Before he could say anything else she leaned forward , and kissed him gently on the cheek. Stunned, Jack paused for a minute , as if he wanted to preserve that sweet electrifying sensation on his lips ...then he pulled back violently and started to scream at the girl :"

Pardon my insistence on following basic logic in a story, unless, of course, there is an intentional and necessary reason not to do so. If she kissed his cheek why is he having an electrifying sensation on his lips? The electrifying sensation, that I would have had, would have been a bit further South, where my moral compass normally points down, yet in a moment of paradoxical complexity points heavenward before I begin my journey to her seductive realm of eternal torment hiding in the phermones of her bliss filled abyss. (How's that for a run-on sentence

I want to go to Hell.

I want to go to Hell .

I want to go to Hell.

Damn, it always worked for Dorothy and her mangy little mutt.

[Gigle]

I agree with earlier poster-- Jack for JackAss. He sure curses a lot and he is more worried about his car than killing a woman. Oh yeah, I feel so much sympathy with him !

[Vincentii]

I'm afraid I don't care much for this story. Juding by the lack of attention to detail, the insane pacing, the crude use of words and the spelling errors I can only deduct that you have rushed this piece.

It is my belief that the author of a story wishes to convey a story to the reader and thereby transfer information of some sorts, if this is done in a crude manner it shows disregard for the reader.

[WingcommanderIV]

Uh...the title already exists. It's the name of an old B-movie starring a very young Kristy Swanson.

Lol, and Ben stiller had a walk on in it too, forgot about that.

[One_Man_Band]

Did you just listen to highway to hell....and thought to yourself that it would make a great name for a story? Its name grabs peoples attention, which is much more then I can say for the story itself. Many spelling errors, no vivid imagery or description as such a title demands, the main character is a prick so I didn’t care about him. The mysterious blonde is taking him to hell.... it seems you just pulled out that ending to fit in with the title....overall i didn’t like it one bit

[Bluejay]

The main character seemed a little... uh... stressed? Manic depressive? His response to everything was to scream and curse and hit (like the dash).

Unless his "hitting the dash" in the beginning was his head, as his car crashed and he died in the little forest within the first run-on sentence. And everything else after that was after-life experience (in other words: he was already in Hell)...

[S.Coristine]

I'm a little disapointed in this piece. It seems rushed and it's very confused at times.

I think your idea could work, but it really needs a whole lot of work and clarification - or at least a little bit more of draw towards the 'hidden' action.

[ejenk21]

I won't be quite so tough, except for the spelling. Surely if you can spell electrifying, you can spell passion.

You need to explain the invisible force. Was Jack being compelled? If so, does he deserve to go to hell? If not, are we supposed to sympathize with him, give him a break, sneer at his punishment, what?

[Stamile]

Okay i didn't like the cursing it seemed a little out of place, also you need to describe things a bit more, so you can create a picture of the scene in the readers mind. It was also sort of off pace, things seemed to happen in short spurts. I'd also work on your spelling and mechanics. Keep it up though, you'll get there.

[Nephilim]

good, strange story...the ending was odd tho.

first thing, she kissed him on the cheek, he wouldnt feel it in his lips...

and the end, how the hell do you drive to hell? it would have been more interesting if she put her foot on the gas and went through the red light, causing an accident and sending him to hell, then she would be a siren or something, attracting men to their deaths

[TheColorSplorge]

I'd have to agree with JirQuest, even though that dude could certainly spell more accurately in his own right

Try not to be in such a rush. I mean it seemed like you started with the ending in mind, then jumped back in time to try and think up some shit to make it seem worthwhile.

[brutusshh]

Presenting the thoughts of the character is a good idea, but the thoughts should be relevant in some way to the development of the story. For instance, you could present Jack's past using a mental flashback. If you want to go weird make sure that at least there is some logic to what you say. Why was he surprised that it was raining? It's not like he lives in a desert!

[RENA HANDS]

I try and look past spelling and punctuation errors but I must say this piece is a bit abrupt. You must watch your spacing errors. I was hooked within the first two paragraphs.

Are you going to add more to this giving further details that were rushed through the first time? Why would there be a hooker in the woods? Was this story inspired from a movie? Was this inspired from some old urban legend?

[notjosh]

Why and from whence did this blonde appear? Who/what is she? Why is she taking him to hell?

I know you shouldn't explain everything in horror, but I generally like a little more detail.

[rosetheruler]

Details for this!! More is needed and the spelling should have been checked. The idea for this short story was not so bad. It needed more description, as in why the streets were empty. Was there like some city wide plague, or just something really creepy going on. The way you wrote about Jack was not so bad, and he was an ass. This story could be worked on, it just might be something.