[BurningBlade]

In a distant galaxy was a planet known as Dierka. Dierka was the capital of the universe, people traded here, lived here and of course, the holy order of the Knights were stationed here. The Knights had been around for over 600 years defending the universe against evil, and any threat that may fall before the good people.

The Knights have incredible powers, they can harness the power of the light. The light is a power not to be held lightly, for it can blast a man 50 feet away, take control of ones mind and even, move objects with their minds. The leader of the Knights is a Teva, which is a long forgotten race that live for over 1,000 years. Teva is the strongest of the Knights, and the wisest, he's saved many and trained many.

Thousands of Knights begin their training each years, but only 10 at the most pass as Master Knights, and only 50 or so pass as Guardian Knights. The only people to ever have killed a Knight have either had them outnumbered 10,000 to 1 or have been with the darkness. The darkness is considered evil, their minds twisted for universal domination. They kill Knights and innocent lives for fun and pleasure. They are stronger than most Guardian Knights, but only the Elite Dark Knights can put up a decent fight against the Masters. The Dark Knights have the same form of training, except they concentrate on ones who have lost something, a family member or friend perhaps and teach them to be strong and feel hate towards the Knights. Thus, when they join the Dark Knights, hatred drives them and they are stronger than an average Knight. The Knights have managed to keep them from dominating Dierva for over 300 years, since the beginning of their race. The Dark Knights have powers that the Knights do not, such as the ability to teleport a short distance away or create an energy shield around ones self that can protect them from laser fire.

We begin our story with a young man named Arken who currently has the rank of Pupil, the rank Knight. His master is named Krynn, an honorable and good man who has been training Arken for the past 2 years in the Knightly arts. Arken has mastered the levitation ability from Krynn, but has much to learn. The Knights holy weapon is a long steel sword which is restractable for easy carrying, but just as powerful.

At the rank of Pupil, right after student, you are given a Holy Sword. Arken has one as well as Krynn.

[Maud]

Hey man this sounds exactly like Star Wars. Theres nothing orignal here well not that I can see anyways. No offense but it sounds ripped off.

I second that. Nothing I would choose to read. Sorry.

Originally Posted by Roland

Hey man this sounds exactly like Star Wars. Theres nothing orignal here well not that I can see anyways. No offense but it sounds ripped off.

[Maud]

This has no individuality even though you try to make it not seem like it's not plagerized. If this story did get published you would definatly have to pay loyaltys to George Lucas.
Besides that, "We begin our story" try not to remind us that this is fiction it asks out of the enviorment.
p.s. don't steal an idea off of something so popular

[Tongo]

Not really worth reading. I read the original in about 1974.

[Maud]

lol great just great

[superbum]

The opening passage makes it sound alot like star Wars, just as everyone else has pointed out. I'd like to hear how you planed to seperate yourself from that, but I don't think anyone would read past what you've already written to find out.

[Jacob Samples]

ya... im a big sci-fi guy....and im gonna have to go as far as to say that this is a disgrace. i mean...it is an almost direct star wars copy like everyone else said.

[Wordsmyth]

Man this is an outstanding story. I love it. I found it original and refreshing!!!!1

What is this Star Wars that you all speak of?

[BurningBlade]

You know, I reread this and It only sounds like Star Wars if you're trying to find out what makes it sound like Star Wars. Had a friend of mine read it, didn't think it was exactly like Star Wars. Star Wars there wasn't a Light and yes there was the light and dark as were their jedi and sith, but how many stories do you know of that have light and dark...alot. I'm just saying that Star Wars has alot of things that many other stories or movies have as well and this may seem like Star Wars, it really isn't if you think about it hard enough.

[Maud]

I read this with an open mind I may have swayed these people but I came into not thinking it was star wars. Let me ask you what's diffrent from Star Wars? Maybe it was subconsience maybe not but it has gone beyond similar.

[Vincentii]

I do think this is a copy of Star Wars... but I also think Star Wars is a copy of Dune.

[Maud]

no Im a big dune fan (My username) but Star Wars is a mix of alot of popculture, but is original.

[Vincentii]

I don't know, I've always ntoiced quite a few parallels.
The voice/ The force
The origins of the villain and the hero
...

[Maud]

well thats not much, but there will always be similarties.

[Vincentii]

There are more, I'm just too tired to recall them all right now.

[aryansri]

Hi,

Many of the guys have already spoken about the contents of the narration and I too have the same opinion. But I think that your narration part was nice. The description lacked sense. Now the difference between the two is that narration is the complete flow of the story whereas description is the expansion of a small scene inside the stroy. I hope you got me. Now what I was saying is that your narration was nice and it sounded casual to me which is a good method to attract people towards your story. But if you do not describe each part with the requisite words, you can't get them hooked till the end and they will lose interest.
Finally, I feel happy to have read your story because we always learn something new each day, even though it might be in a new manner.

Hope you find agreement with my suggestions and embed them into your future works.

Till then,
Your's,
Aryan Srivastava.

[Gigle]

Ok but this IS Starwars. I didn't read the comments before the story, so no one had me looking for Starwars paralells.. But I found them. Lots of them.

[Sparx]

I can't really add to the suggestions that have already been stated above. However i will say that although i liked this story, it wasn't too original. Then again its hard to be original these days. All in all, a good piece of writing even though it has its flaws as stated in previous posts.

[Gigle]

Well ok so maybe in every piece of famous writing there is one facet borrowed from another source--but in this tiny story almost every idea is regurgitated in a none too interesting form.

[Hagetaka]

Was this a quickwrite; it was very brief. I know its a prologue, but to use one in this manner is overdone, and gimicky. Not quite my taste I suppose. Also, yes.. it is a Star Wars reincarnate. From good vs evil. to hate making them stronger; something the good/light side does not deliver. The names are different tho.. heh.