[Jacob Samples]

Synopsis: a regular marine in the distant future going out to a major battle in a civil war in a once united America. he is in the "rebels" and them, a force of about 300, are about to battle against a force of 800 "patriots".


Dorian Gray, Marine and team leader of the famed Crimson Brutes awoke to the sound of Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin, a song more than 200 years old. It's soothing sound and cliche guitar riffs played through his alarm clock/radio. He stretched for a few seconds, and then rose to a sitting position on his stiff cot. He looked around the large room as the other 39 marines began to wake slowly and stiffly.

As Dorian rose from the bed, he grabbed a shirt up from the nearby dirty clothes basket and pulled it over his toned body. The grey wife-beater was covered in small stains, and at the bottom, there was a small hole with little spots of blood around it. As he got ready, the soothing sounds of Stairway to Heaven changed in to the fast paced, shredding, ACDC's Highway to Hell.

Dorian smirked at the coincedence of the songs playing right after the other. He grabbed a pair of fatigue pants and put them on. He joked with a few of his "brother" marines. After a quick shower, he walked back through the small, dimly lit corridors to the team headquarters.

He put his hand into a small hole to the right of the door and he felt a small prick into his finger and a small sucking sound and feeling came and went. The computer tested his DNA in a few seconds, then the automated woman voice chimed a quick, "Greetings Leutenant Gray". The door slid open and Dorian walked into the large room. He walked up to a non-descript white table in the middle of the room, and touched a button on the bottom. A light flickered in the table a few times, then stayed solid as Dorian slid out a map from a compartment under the table.

He unrolled the map and spread it across the table so he could read the map clearly. Other men from the squad team began to filter in the room, each still working kinks and knots out of their muscles.

After about 20 minutes Dorian did a head count and started to greet his 39 marines.

"Alright men. Shut the hell up and listen. You know what today is. Its the day we kick some serious Patriot ass!"

Hoots and hollars came up and quickly left.

"We're ordered to go to the Desert Pass and hold off 800 Patriots with 250 other Rebels. But do not worry men. We're in the front."

More hoots and hollars rose and left.

"Now. You know the drill. Partner up and get ready. Suit up, get plenty of ammo and grab your guns. Make sure to bring a knife or 2 though, we might get some close up action."

Dorian watched as the men grabbed their assigned partners. He saw Jack Osiar, his parnter, cycle through the crowd, give a quick salute to Dorian, and he walked off to get ready. Dorian followed the other men after another quick scan of the map, and closed and locked the room behind him.

He reached the armory and found his locker. He opened it and began to put on his armor. He then wrapped an orange cloth around each arm, and then wrapped one around his head. He grabbed 2 large combat knives from his locker, put on in his boot, and put one in a holster on his upper left arm. He then grabbed a pistol from the locker and put it on his left hip in the holster there. He grabbed his large combat rifle/shotgun and grabbed his helmet, holding it under his arm.

He left the armory and walked behind the rest of the marines to the north gate of the large fort. He pushed past them and stood at the front of the group of marines at the gate as it opened slowly.

"Listen up dipshits. Find your partners and line up. We head out as soon as this damn gate opens. We are ordered to go to the Valley and hold off the Patriots for as long as we can, or wipe them out completely. I think we alone could kill all 800 of them, but the General thinks we need 250 others to help us, so we get 250 men to watch us kill like no other man has except the Spartans at Thermopoli. Now, when we get there, we need to set up immediate defenses. Now everyone knows that we can take down half an army with our "special" defenses alone. So lets surprise em. Jacobson, Richards. You 2 have our welcome fireworks?"

The two men said "Yes, sir." together. "Good." said Dorian. "Now lets get out there and kick some serious ass!"

The men lined up with their partners and headed off. Jack Osiar found his way to Dorian and they walked on. A few hours later, the Crimson Brutes found their way to the valley and kept walking until they found their way to the skinniest part in the valley. They found a place about 50 feet wide, and stopped to get the defenses ready. The 2 demolition experts ran ahead and began to set charges everywhere. After placing about 50 charges on each side of the wall, they came back.

Dorian and the rest of the Brutes lined up and stood there, waiting. After a few hours, the rest of the Marines came and lined up behind them. The force of 300 marines waited for 6 more hours, until the sun began to go down, and the valley turned a dark orange/ purple color. Then they heard a large explosion and the ground rattled. Dorian looked over at the 2 demolition men and smiled.

Within an hour, 39 charges on each side of the wall went off, and Dorian and the rest of the men could see the Patriots marching towards them. 8 more on each side went off before they were in firing distance.

"Snipers on the walls! Take them out!" Dorian yelled at his sniper when he saw a few men on the top of the valley walls.

A few shots were fired, and Dorians sniper smiled at him in satisfaction as Dorian scanned the walls again and saw them all dead now.

"Okay men, this is it. Time to kill!" Dorian and his Brutes took a few steps forward every minute.

The rest of the charges went off, leaving only 500 more Patriots. The odds were already leanign to their favor.

Dorian and his men, all perfect marksmen, began to fire at the soldiers advancing. None of them were very good shots form the Patriots, so they were forced to take casualties and continue advancing until they were in range of firing. The fight that ensued was more vicous than the original Battle of Thermopoli. Within 30 minutes there was only 8 Crimson Brutes left, Dorian included.

The Patriots were now within arms distance. Dorian dropped his overheating rifle and took out his pistol. He took down a few more men, and then dropped his pistol too. The Patriots in their red armor was like a hurricane coming onto the Rebels in their blue armor. One Patriot shot at Dorian, nicked his left arm, and dove at Dorian. He grabbed the mans arm and threw him back. He spun around again, and was punched in the face by a Patriot that made his helmet come off. Dorian spun around, and grabbed the knife from his left shoulders holster as he came to the mans back. he cut his throat and dropped the body.

Melee combat went on for another hour or so, but then the Patriots turned and ran off. There was only 68 of them left, and still 120 Rebels left. They won the day. Dorian fell to his knees, looked around, and saw only his friend and partner, Jack Osiar was left of the Crimson Brutes besides him. He would have to replenish the ranks with new privates.

Oh well. They won the battle. It had been another battle like Thermopoli. Little did Dorian know, but this battle had made him a hero. His name would run through stories for generations to come.

[One_Man_Band]

"The Patriots in their red armor was like a hurricane coming onto the Rebels in their blue armor"

That sentence is void of any fluid description, its hard to read, and does not flow. Maybe something like this:

The Patriots ran towards us in their red armour, which glistened a steely red in the mid-afternoon sunlight, their stampede towards us resembled an act of Mother Nature - a hurricane in full force, ready to take down anything in its path.

Most of your story is like that sentence it doesn't flow. The story is hard to read through, it shouldn't be. The story should be easy to read through with concise and vivid imagery.

The premise of another American civil war 200 years into the future is an interesting one; the story doesn't live up to it. I also spotted a few spelling errors. Go back to the drawing board with this one

[havehope]

Just as the previous poster said, the most annoying thing about this is that it has the potential of being so much better. The plot is interesting but it can be even better if you were to put more description about both armies and the state of affairs within America. I think that a re-write with you having more care and patience in the story to really flesh out the character and the plot would make this much better.

[NateShelley]

i think the whole plot-line is cliche. the whole futuristic soldier idea has been beaten to death by science fiction.

I know it's a short story, but to me this just seemed too short. A battle such as this will undoubtedly last so much longer than the way it was described. If you're going to write a war story, make the war a bit more believable.

Some spelling mistakes also, and odd sentence structure in places. But as some of the posters said, even though this genre is a little over-wrought, the beginning paragraph is catchy.

[IamTABRIS]

um.............
the outnumbered guys got killed in the original thermopylae, and they lived in this one
not to mention the ratio was way way different

[rmkpeace]

It started out great but after the men set up the demo charges it went bad. It seemed very rushed and the ending wasn't as good as it could have been. There were a lot of mistakes after the demo set up which supports my idea of being rushed. Even though it's suppose to be a short story let the story play out. Don't take its life away. Other than that a very good beginning. Definitely kept me wanting to read to find out what happened.

[Mr Morbid]

good concept, but it could have been better.

maybe add more detail to the characters and the situation, such as why america is at war with itself again.

Also, a 40 man squad meets up with another 250 men, and its 300. how does that work.

maybe have less spartan refrences. it takes a bit of the origionality away from the story.

[Randomgold]

This story doesn't really live up to the title. With Thermopoli, all the Spartans died, but here, a bit less than half were left. Thremopoli was also a sacrificial battle. I was expecting this to be the same kind of thing, where everyone dies at the end, and was disappointed when it didn't happen. If you wanted these guys to survive, than make it a bigger accomplishment by giving the enemy more troops, or lessening the numbers of the hero's side. The battle was also very rushed. The way you tell it is like the battle only lasts for a few minutes, maybe an hour tops. Slow it down, and give us all the gory details you want to. Keep working on it, and make it all it can be.