[nobodysprince]

Synopsis : My story is about an evil mutant race, the Abu Kavan aka The Engineers, who take control of humanity. They think they have total control until one man with special powers, 'Number One' helps a small rebellion start a chain reaction, which starts the downfall of the Abu Kavan.

Recon

Prologue

2100

The world has evolved. War has evolved. Soldiers are no longer limited to their human forms. Soldiers are taken to a secret lab, rumored to be Area 51, where they are turned into something better than they were before….Cyborgs. They can move faster than average humans, think faster and they are also…stronger. But everything comes with a price. Events beyond the scientists control changed the universe forever.


The Independence, orbiting Earth

Welcome Lord Mayor Talon, welcome to the Independence.” The cyborg smiled. Talon smiled back, although, looking at her beautiful face, and then realizing she was…a machine…saddened him.

What kind of a world do we live in? He thought. Why does it have do come to this. Anyway, humans probably won’t be seeing too much of each-other soon. Well, maybe in small groups, but soon we will have pushed beyond the limits of our galaxy and into many others. But the realization that there would be greater threats worried him more.

“Lord Mayor, please come into the main hall.” The cyborg woman said.

The Lord Mayor was Native American, and had come to the Independence to talk about the Native Americans getting half of the USA. Of course, he realized that there was not much point thinking of that, as soon humanity will have moved to colonize other planets, but he thought that it would be good for the people who wanted to stay on Earth.

The Independence’s main hall was beautiful. It was like a ballroom, and just as grand. Talon was very impressed. It was just as awe-inspiring on the outside, as the space-ship was a sleek, curved piece of amazing work, which had been rather well done.

Talon sat down on the edge of the room. There were other representatives from the USA and the NAS (Native American States) around the room. They were all circled around the center, and in the center was the Deputy President of the USA, Michael Hardy.

“Hello, my friends, and welcome to the Independence. It truly is an honour to have you aboard, and I wish you a pleasant and enjoyable stay.” Hardy grinned, as he spoke enthusiastically. Everyone thought that Hardy should be the president, as the current one had as much personality as a tea-bag. “So, Lord Mayor Talon, would you like to speak first.”

“Hello, my fellow people. I am pleased to be representing the NAS and helping the people put their views forward. Now, I would like to tell you why it would be beneficial to let us have half of the United States, your most beautiful country.” Talon gestured to Hardy and the other US representatives around the room.

Suddenly the woman cyborg appeared, trembling. She opened her mouth, as bolts of electricity burst out, exploding into a dazzling display. It hit Hardy first, making him light up like a Christmas tree. He was sent towards the window, smashing it. The artificial air would protect them for a while – if they weren’t whisked off their feet. Representatives suddenly were taken from the floor like toys, flying to their death in space. Talon managed to hold onto a chair, but that slowly was being dragged from it’s place on the floor.

Soon, the room was empty, apart from the cyborg and the creature standing over it. It looked human, but it’s face…it’s face was like a zombies. It had horrible, white eyes, and skin that looked like it had been put through a shredder. This creature marked the dawn of a new age. An age that would bring with it terror and destruction.

[Sith Lord Jim]

"she was…a machine…saddened him." - no need for all the "..."
"have do come to this" - 'to'
" but it’s face…it’s face was like a zombies." Ok i understand what you are trying to do by repeating lines like that but I find it just disrupts the flow of the story and really detracts from it. I like where you are going. Work on your grammar and descriptions. Keep writing.
Yours truly Jimmy

[Storiesmaniac]

Yes interesting, but i am going to have to agree with jimmy here, it's a small problem i have also, if you repeat yourself to many times, it can detract from the story, and you have done it more then a couple times. I do like you idea though and i'd love to see where it goes.

[Maud]

You show some real ability but someone once gave me this advice even though its harder to adhere to than one may think rember this:
Show Don' t Tell

[crackdaddy]

theres nothing quite as empowering as the small band of rebels that take down an empire.

[WorldWarCheese]

Welcome Lord Mayor Talon, welcome to the Independence.”

Missed the first quotation mark.

Talon smiled back, although, looking at her beautiful face, and then realizing she was…a machine…saddened him.

Try something more like: Talon smiles back at her beautiful face, but then he realized she was a machine and sombered a bit.

The "although" and the whole sentence really just reads... bad.

Why does it have do come to this

"to", I think it was a typo.

Well, maybe in small groups, but soon we will have pushed beyond the limits of our galaxy and into many others.

Why won't there be human interaction when other worlds are explored? Won't the people who leave together still stay together?

Hello, my fellow people

Is he supposed to talk like that?

a zombies

a zombie

Why ask for half of the US? That hardly seems like a reasonable request that a modern diplomatic representative would ask for "Gimme half of what you have.... for nothing" I just don't see it and it sort of ruined the rest of the story, I got hung up on it.

This seems... interesting, but your writing style really needs to be cleaned up a bit to get to the next level. There are the few mistakes, but the main thing I think is that when people speak they don't sound like people conversing, but more like robots going throught the motion in a marionette or something. Very... non-human. I don't know if that's because they all ARE robots or not but it makes it hard for me to put myself in their shoes and get into the story more.

Anyhoo, keep it up. If you do a few tweeks, it should turn out okay.

[Coadmaster]

I like the storyline, I enjoy the plot, but maybe a bit more description. I have a hard time putting myself into a story if you don't have any clue what anything looks like, y'know? Keep it up though. It looks like it's going to be a good story

[WorldWarCheese]

Is the second part up yet?

[Zoidberg]

Some errors, but an interesting plot nonetheless. I am not sure if "honour" is supposed to be "honor". I don't know if that's another way to spell it, or what. Good Job and I look forward to more.

[Thalenchar]

I also had a slight problem with him asking for half the US. It just seems a bit over the top. Even if the current US would have been split between your USA and the NAS, just simply asking for half of the US territory seems slightly odd.
And I think in the end you mean "zombie's" instead of "zombies", right?

Nice story though, looking forward to the next part.

[Enreg]

I like the story line as well. The only think that took me out of the moment was this,

"It hit Hardy first, making him light up like a Christmas tree."

[WorldWarCheese]

I just realized the dude hasn't commented on his own thread that's three years old. Fuck. He's never going to see this.

Next time I comment I'm making sure that it's less than a year old and that the person has wrote in it recently or after the last comment by someone else.