[DarkStar]

Title: Clone (Chapters 1 to 3)

Chapter 1: House

Life before this was so peaceful. Before they came. Before it had all started.

Freya had silvery grey hair. It wasn't too long, and only extended to below her ear. She was still very young in age, maybe about eleven or twelve. Her eyes were light grey, almost eerily light.

Freya lay on the floor; her wound had stopped bleeding at this point. It was a bullet wound on her left shoulder, put there when they had come.

It didn't hurt like it did others. She knew the pain was there, but the shock through her system stopped her from screaming out. She stood up and went to the door way. The shock and fear at first stopped her from leaning out to see the situation. Her parents had done the same thing, and now lay dead in their bedroom.

Who were these men? Why did they come?

She didn't have the answers. Her parents told her that when she was still too young to remember anything they had found her on the streets, abandoned with only a blanket to keep warm.

She heard a noise outside. Panic pulsated through her veins. She rushed back to her bed where she had been shot. Obviously one of the lesser skilled had taken a shot at her when she was lying there, and she was good at playing dead.

When she managed to get herself into her original position, she calmed her breathing and closed her eyes down to a crack. She made sure that no one could see that she was still alive.

She heard a voice on her balcony, and the window shattering.

"What? This one dead 'ready?" the man said in a disappointed voice, "Aw, I was gonnas haves some fun. Looks like she bled to death."

She saw the man walk past through the crack in her eyes. In one hand, he held a huge hand-gun. The man turned around and looked at her.

He had a narrow face and high cheek bones. He wore small round black glasses. His hair was spiked upwards with gel and he had a goatee, both of which were black.

Freya watched the man leave the room.

She pushed herself up from her bed.
She bit back a scream as she felt the wound in her shoulder rip open, fresh blood seeping through her nightclothes.

She edged towards the door and then took the courage to look out. Down the passage just outside her door was her parents' room. They were shot for asking too many questions.

Down to her left was a stairway that led downstairs.

She took the chance and started to walk down.

When downstairs, she saw one large thug sitting in one of the armchairs. His back was facing her, so she was safe from his eyes. She saw her maid standing nervously in a corner. At least she was smart enough not to ask questions, and surrendered.

"Hey, I thoughts youz was dead!" she heard someone say.

She froze, the fear drenching her.

The man in the armchair turned in his chair and looked at her. He had a large broad face and very dark skin and a flat nose.

"You found another, eh Banzai?" he said. Banzai must have been the person who was now holding his gun on the back of her head.

"Yup! She knows a good act, this one, I thoughts she was dead!" Banzai said boastfully.

"Well, shut up. This one seems to already have been shot. Heavy blood loss, she should be dead," the other said, standing up now. He had a pump-action shotgun.

Freya saw Banzai walk out in front of her. He grinned toothily at her.

"What shoulds I do firsts with this one, eh Harriet?" Banzai said.

"Question her. That's what you should do," Harriet said.

"W - wh - why are - y - you here?" she said, stammering with fear.

Harriet hit her over the head with the butt of his gun.

"We ask questions. Look what happened to your parents. They have a nice addition of bullet holes inside of them because they did what you're doing now,"

"S - sorry," she said. Again she got hit over the head.

"Don't speak, you stupid git. Now tell me, why did you hide like that?"

"I - I didn't want to die."

"Fine. If you had also just surrendered, then you would've also lived. Now I want you to say 'Gertainum, Kirestus, Retalias,'" he said.

Something told her not to say it. Something deep down inside of her. She felt that she might just get killed if she said it. So she held her tongue.

"This is pointless, how can this little girl be the one we're after?" Banzai said.

"Shut it. We have no choice but to question every person we come across. For all we know, the maid could be the one we're after!"

"Bullshit! We gave her the test, she's negative, you stupid oaf!" Banzai said, giving Harriet a shove.

Harriet looked at him, and then shoved him back. Then the whole situation degraded to the two busy shoving each other, and then to tussling on the floor.

Freya looked at the two who were busy brawling and hitting each other. She noticed the maid taking the opportunity to run out the door. A few seconds later, there was a gunshot outside.

Freya looked around at her living room. She noticed a small spherical device on her living room table. It had a single red button on it. Instinct told her to press that red button, and then drop.

So she pressed it and threw it onto a couch. She then dropped onto the floor, pressing herself as flat as she could.

In a few seconds, the device emitted a high pitched noise, and the two stopped fighting, now standing up to look at the device. They started to shout and run towards the door, busy tripping over each other.

The noise stopped, and then Freya saw a white shockwave that sliced everything it touched with a clean edge. The two men got chopped in half and so did all of the furniture. All of her expensive entertainment equipment were neatly sliced in two where the shockwave passed through it. Even the walls were sliced.

But Freya was safe as the deadly wave passed just millimetres above her.

Since when do such deadly devices exist? And who were these people?

She stood up when the shockwave had disappeared, and she walked extremely slowly to her front door. Outside was the tarred surface of her large driveway. She noticed the other thugs who were making sure no one escaped were also chopped in half. Her maid lay dead, a bullet hole in her skull.

She looked at the highway just outside the property. Parked cars were on it, and men with guns standing next to them. She looked at the front entrance gate. People were also there. She turned around and went to her computer. It was just low enough to not sustain any damage. But all the cables were severed. At least the power cable for it was still intact. She opened the drive door and took the disk out. She turned around and went to the back fence. She climbed over it and into her neighbour's property. It was very large and the house was far in the distance. They probably thought that she and her family were setting off fireworks.

She ran to the front entrance and climbed over the gate.

Why did they come? What did they want?

For that, she didn't have an answer.



Chapter 2: School

There was nothing special about it. It was just a children's home for girls. Freya had been staying there for only six months and still she was haunted by endless nightmares from her home.

She stared at the white building, letting the snow gather on her shoulders. Something told her to just stand. And she enjoyed it. It was beautifully silent. The only sound was the snow falling in the ground.

"Freya! Come inside! You'll freeze to death out there!" one of her friends shouted.

Freya snapped back into reality. She looked at the front entrance.

"I'll be in a sec!" she shouted back. She turned and looked at the highway. It was empty.

She ran back inside.

Melissa, Freya's friend, stood inside the Main Office. It was rather risky to be inside here, as it was the Head Mistresses office. It was also the visitors' entrance.

Rika looked at her. Rika was also one of Freya's friends. Her two friends had lost their parents in a car crash. Freya had fibbed about her parents; she told everyone that her parents had also died in a car crash.

She couldn't tell them how they had really died; it was too difficult on her part.

"What's up?" Rika said. "Why're you standing out there in the cold?"

"I - I never had the chance to properly appreciate snow. I was always inside on my PC. I found this game that I liked, and I kept on playing," Freya said timidly.

"Well, you've got the skin to prove it. It's rather pale," Melissa said.

"What are you three doing here?" a stern voice said, "Get back into dormitories now!"

It was the Head Mistress. She had lines of age all over her face and short, curling hair. Her eyes, however, were grandmotherly. Her face was narrow and she had high cheekbones.

"Yes, sorry miss Harkin," they all said in unison, and then sped past her out through the door.

They ran back to their room.

It had three bunks in it. All three of which were taken up by the three friends.

"That was scary!" Melissa said.

"You bet!" Rika also said.

"If you say so," Freya said.

The other two looked at her.

"Sometimes I wonder what goes through your head," Rika said, looking at her.

"Jeeze, leave her alone. It was only six months ago," Melissa said.

"Six months since they died?" Rika said.

"Of course. Even mine died only two years ago, and that still haunts me. I've still got the scar to show," Melissa said.

Freya turned and went to the door.

"I think I'll just wait outside for a while. I just want some peace and quite," she said, and opened the door.

She went outside and walked to the grounds again. She stared out into the distance, once more letting the snow collect on her shoulders.

Eventually she saw cars park on the highway, but she didn't think any of it.

"Freya! There you are!" someone said. She turned and saw Mistress Harkin busy calling her.

She ran to her.

"Yes, miss. What do you need?"

"Come inside, I need to talk to you," she said, busy beckoning her.

Harkin took Freya into her office.

"I want to give something to you," she said, closing the door behind her, "So just wait here for a while and I'll go fetch it,"

"Yes, miss,"

Mistress Harkin left the room and closed the door, leaving Freya alone in the room.
She looked around at its contents. There was little decoration, and was plain yet simple. She liked this room. It had purpose.

Suddenly she heard the front entrance door being kicked down. She looked to see who it was and saw three men in black suits and balaclavas over their heads. They each had a submachine gun.

Freya turned and ran to the desk. One of them fired and hit her in her right shoulder blade as she dived over the desk. She groaned in pain as her shoulder blazed fiercely.

With her left hand, she pulled open one of the drawers and took out the small revolver inside. She stood up and emptied its six rounds at the three men, leaving two of them dead. The other emptied his clip in turn at her, but Freya managed to duck behind the desk. She jumped over and ran at the man, who turned around and ran out. Freya dropped and slid along the floor and picked up one of the submachine guns and aimed it at the man.

She squeezed the trigger and it jerked violently in her hand. Luckily, one of the stray bullets hit the man in the head, and he dropped to the ground.

Freya felt the blood running down her back.

She crawled towards the desk; the pain in her shoulder was overwhelming. It was worse than when she was at her house, because back then she was in shock. Now she was fully aware of the pain, and it was more than she could handle. Perhaps they had shattered her shoulder blade when the bullet hit.
The door burst open. It was Mistress Harkin with a box in her hands. She dropped it when she saw Freya.

She ran over to her.

"What happened?!" she said, her voice sounding shocked.

"It hurts. Please help, it hurts!" Freya cried out piteously.

"Lie still! I'll call the ambulance now," she said.

"No, don't! Anything but that! Arrgh! Mama, help me! Please, mama, it hurts!!"

She writhed in pain, more blood running from her shoulder.

"Stay here, I'll be back just now."

Suddenly Freya grabbed out at Harkin's ankles.

"No! Don't! Run away! Get everyone away from me! They're after me, just run! Run! Make sure no one is here when they come again!" Freya said with the last of her energy.

The world was black once more.



Chapter 3: Supervise

"I see, so this is the current status?" Master General J. Hart said.

He looked at the report on the screen.

"Yes, sir. This is the final current report. It is confirmed," the subordinate said.

It was understandable, if the rumours were true. If they were true.

The report read such:

Dead Brothers: 16
Wounded Brothers: 0
Hostages, Total: 21
Hostages, Saved: 19
Hostages, Unsaved: 3
Other Casualties: 1
Clones: 1, unable to determine strength (Refusal to talk)

So that was the situation. How could a single child kill sixteen Clones, and only sustain minor injuries?

"This is totally UNACCEPTABLE!!" he roared at the screen. The subordinate behind the other side ducked in fear. "How could you let a mere child do this to us?! How is it possible that this kid has killed 13 clones? And then three that were trained from materialization?!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I cannot help it. The suspect is still unconscious; we're unable to revive her. Unless she's really good at playing dead, sir," the other man said.

"I don't care! Get to the bottom of this, NOW!"

The man bowed and the screen went off.

So maybe the rumours were true. Maybe she was the one who escaped. He would have to wait to find out.



Freya lay on the ground, keeping her breathing as slow as possible. Too slow and they would think she's dead, too fast and they would know she was awake. Her shoulder blade had definitely been shattered by the bullet; it hurt her to a great extent, and she couldn't use her right arm.

Her warning to the Head Mistress didn't go too well. More like she was too late.

More people had attacked, but this time they were trained professionals, not the thugs that had come for her when she was at her house.

These people wanted something. Her. They wanted her. She was their target, and they had now gotten her.

She opened her eyes to the crack that came so naturally. She couldn't see much. Only that the Head Mistress was sitting in her chair, as calmly as she could manage. There were a few students sitting on the floor. Rika and Melissa were looking at Freya with nervous eyes. She could see that they thought she was dead.

Suddenly, a large boot came and stomped down next to her face. It was all she could do to not jump at the movement.

"Awake, are we?" a man said, "Thought you could fool me? I've been in training for a good two decades. You can't fool me with your half-open eyes trick. Get up,"

Freya felt a strong hand grip her right shoulder and pull her up. She couldn't help but groan with the pain in her shoulder.

"I'm awake," she said, giving up her feign, "Please, leave everyone else alone. I'm the one you want."

"Of course. Don't worry. We don't tend to hurt Hostages, only if they don't save themselves," he said, turning to look at the hostages.

"What do you mean they save themselves?"

"I guess I could tell you, but no more chatting. When we ever attack, we give all the hostages an opportunity. We ask them to stay quiet, and they won't get shot. If they ask any questions, they end up dead. They talk too much, they'll have a bullet through their head. When they agree to stay silent, they have saved themselves, and are guaranteed not to get killed by us. Now shut it. Open your mouth once more and I'll just have to shoot you."

She limped down to a lone corner and sat down. She was too late, her friends had become involved. And now she was probably going to die.

She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, but didn't have any luck. She heard someone walk up to her. It was one of the trained men.

"I need you to say 'Gertainum, Kirestus, Retalias.' Don't be scared. That's all I need to do, and we'll leave you alone,"

Freya shook her head from side to side. She wasn't going to fall for this again. The man hit her on the top of her head with his hand.

"I said, say it," he said threateningly.

"It," she replied.

The man smacked her again, and held his submachine gun at her head.

"Don't get cocky, you stupid shit! Say 'Gertainum, Kirestus, Retalias' now!"

"G - Ger - tain - um," she said first. She didn't want to die, but still said it with great regret.

The man's eyes widened in fear. He looked at Freya with scared eyes.

Just as Freya was about to start the second word there was a large explosion outside. The other girls screamed as gunshots sounded outside. The man checked the clip in his gun and then charged out. A few gunshots later people in grey soldiers' uniforms broke down the door.

In an instant, all of the men in black uniforms were dead on the floor.

One of the new arrivals walked up to Freya. He had a skull-like mask over his face, so she couldn't see what he looked like. He extended out a hand to her.

"Come with us. We'll protect you," he said, his voice not his own due to some sort of vox communicator.

Freya took his hand with her left, and he helped her up.

"Okay, Unit Red reporting. We have the Flower, repeat, we have the Flower," the man said to himself.

He put his hand on her left shoulder, and started to guide her out the door.

"Wait," Freya said, remembering something, "I want to go get something. I'll be back,"

She turned and ran before the man could do anything. She went to her room and fished inside her locker.

She took the disk and held it tight in her hand, and then went back.

"Come, let's go. Let's go to where it's safe," the soldier said when she arrived back.

"Wait! Freya, before you go, I have something for you," Harkin said. She went and picked up the box that she had dropped earlier.

She handed it to the soldier, who offered to carry it because of Freya's bullet wound.

"What is it?" Freya asked.

"I don't know. There's no return address, it just says 'For Freya," Miss Harkin said.

"Thanks. I really appreciate all you've done for - Ouch!" Freya began, but then her shoulder started to burn fiercely.

"I really have to go," Freya said, biting back the pain.

She was led off into a helicopter that made no sound when the blades spun.

[JirQUEST]

a couple of mechanics to look at:

if you are not going to have any dialogue attribution, use a period. example:

"this is it."

use a comma only when u want to attribute the dialogue to someone else:

"this is it," she said.

doesnt apply in cases with ? and !

the one-sentence paragraphs u have are very annoying. they disrupt the flow of the story. ur narration suffers as a result. and given the way u structured it, the description is very scant. there are lots of things i'd love to read about - the setting, the characters's mannerisms, more of freya's thoughts, etc.

while it is good to describe the character's appearance a bit, dont do it in such a linear fashion. u began the story by describing freya's appearance. do we really want to know that when she was bleeding on the floor? and the head mistress. expand on the story more - maybe the HM's high cheekbones made her look doubly intimidating when she scolding them, or freya's short hair swept her face when she was shooting, and she was glad it didnt block her view. dont insert their appearance into one paragraph and then be done.

what i'd like to point out most though, is your use of instinct. somehow, freya did this and it turned out right. somehow, something told her not to do that, and she survived. it reeks of laziness in a plot. it tells the reader that u dont know how to resolve the problem, and bam, there u have it, the perfect unexplainable solution.

so what is good about this story? i like the plot. up till this point, i am still wondering why the clones are going after freya. what do the words mean? why are they so important? and that is a draw for a reader to keep reading. u started well. ur conflict began immediately, and that draws the reader into the story right from almost the first word. i still would love to read more of it.

[DarkStar]

Thanks for the input. Now I know what not to do when writing my book!

I'll be posting chapter 4 shortly.

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by JirQUEST

...what i'd like to point out most though, is your use of instinct. somehow, freya did this and it turned out right. somehow, something told her not to do that, and she survived. it reeks of laziness in a plot. it tells the reader that u dont know how to resolve the problem, and bam, there u have it, the perfect unexplainable solution...

Well, in chapter 5, something happens that instinct will never be able to save. (stupidity )

And also, instinct is her main weapon, just to let you know.