[EternalPen]

Synopsis: The end of it all... the end of it all begins.


***Chapter 1***
---Part 1---

"Hey son, bring the marshmallows over here!"

"OK, dad" was a young boy's reply to the deep voice of his father.

"This was a great idea, coming out here to relax, get away from work, spend time with the kids," said a female, who was talking to her husband, Nathan.

They were out camping, a warm fire spewing out glowing embers that were being blown out and away by small, refreshing gusts of wind that helped cool them down when the fire got hot. It was like the wind was timed perfectly just for them. The fire crackled as the family huddled together and roasted marshmallows over the burning logs. The fire roared to life and shot embers everywhere that lit up the giant glowing campsite every time a new log was thrown into the fire.

"See? Isn't this relaxing?" said the woman, replying to the sounds of the fire and nature's other wonders.

"Here Tito, come on boy, come on!" a little girl called out, softly, as she was looking for her dog.

"Tito? Come on! Where are you Tito?" She called out in vain.

"Mom! Mom! Tito won't come when I call him! Where is he?"

"I'm sorry honey, I don't know where he is. This isn't like him, running off and not coming back. Nathan, Where are the flashlights?" She asked her husband.

Nathan had no time to answer, a very loud growl sounded somewhere in the forest.

"N-Nathan, what was that?"

It sounded again closer this time.

"I have no idea. Kids, come here!"

It sounded again, but this time it was so loud that it sounded like it was coming from everywhere.

"THAT was not Tito!" the little girl said.

All of a sudden, a giant, black, ominous shadow flew threw the air toward Nathan. It rammed into him, knocking him flat on his face. When it did, it was near the fire and could be barely seen. From what she could tell, the wife saw something that looked like Tito. It was MUCH larger than Tito, but it looked a little like him.

It picked up Nathan, slung him around like a rag doll, and threw him into the fire which put it out except for a few glowing embers, which barely gave out any light. All was dark and the only thing that could be heard was a woman's screams, then another large growl, then nothing.

The beast, full from its recent meal, bounded into the darkness, satisfied.

***Chapter 1***
---Part 2---

A beaten up old car drove up next to the town's hospital, it had dents that looked more like bite-marks. It sputtered up to the doorway and died. The man in the car tried to open the door, but it fell off. He got out, stumbling, and walked into the hospital.

His clothes were torn, he had no shoes, and his eyes did not close at all, not even to blink. He was covered in blood, but it wasn't his. He was covered in some form of slime, more like dog drool, but it was a lot more than any normal dog would leave behind.

He fell to the floor with a thump. A few doctors ran to him and put him on a stretcher.

"I need some ID! Get his wallet." One of the doctors said as he rolled the stretcher down the hall. Another doctor grabbed his wallet and opened it.

"It says his name is 'Nathan Mallek'. See if he has any family we could call." Another doctor left the stretcher and ran down the hall, back the way he came.

"He looks really bad, get him to the ER."

"Alright, right away!" the doctor pushing the stretcher replied.

The halls were milky white and endless in the eyes of Nathan. The roof had the same pattern, blank roof... a light fixture... blank roof... a light fixture. He tried to remember what happened a few hours ago. A scream... everything burns... snarling... being picked up again and mauled... then nothing. Wait... his wife! His kids!

"M-my... wife... is she... okay?" he couldn't stay awake any longer.

His world went totally black.

***Chapter 1***
---Part 3---

"You idiot!" A man standing in complete darkness yelled. "It's not in here! How can we experiment with the virus if... wait... I see a crack in the bottle."

"I didn't break it, sir," came a reply from the shadowy figures acquaintance, who was dressed up in a police mans suit, and had a silencer in his pocket.

"I know... This is good! We don't have to worry about the government now. It spread its self. It MUST have evolved by now! Come! Let us see if we can find it's first victim! The first victim of Torignima!"

***Chapter 1***
---Part 4---

Nathan awoke in a bed, IV needles stuck in his arm and taped down so they wouldn't fall out. He felt awful, and he couldn't move. His back felt like it was shattered, then he remembered, his wife! A doctor walked in the room.

"D-doctor... is my w.... wife okay?"

"Just one second," the nurse said, "I'll be right back with someone who will have that information."

The nurse left the room, and shut the door behind her.
"Sir, the man in that room is awake. He wants to know where his wife is. I think you should tell him what you found."

"He isn't well enough to know, I don't think we should-"

"Nonsense!" The nurse exclaimed, "I think he should be told, if you don't, then I will! He deserves to know what happened, after all he's been through!"

After she said that, she walked back into Nathan's room, locking the door behind her.

"Open this door immediately!" The doctor yelled while beating the door, but the nurse ignored him. "No! Stop! He's not ready to hear it yet!" he let out a defeated sigh and watched what happened next through the room's window.

The nurse looked at Nathan with mournful eyes before explaining what had happened to his family.

"How many children do you have, Mr. Mallek?" the nurse asked him.

"Um... I have a twelve-year-old boy, and a daughter that's ten and a half. My wife is thirty-three and I'm sure you know that I'm thirty-five."

The doctor's mournful eyes saddened even more when she heard him say that. "I... I'm sorry Mr. Mallek," She started, "The police found your children mauled to death by an animal that has yet to be identified."

Nathan sat there for a few hour-long minutes taking in what he had just heard, and then he broke down and started to cry.

"I'm... sorry Mr. Mallek, but your wife's body wasn't even found." The nurse said in response to his flowing tears. "I'll...I'll let you stay here for a while." She shut the blinds and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Nathan didn't eat the rest of the day; he didn't sleep that night, and didn't talk at all.
All he did was cry.

***Chapter 2***
---Part 5---

A black van, as black as the forest around it, drove up to the campsite where Nathan was attacked and his family slaughtered.

"Okay," the unknown drivers mysterious voice told his passengers. "We don't want any more trouble, so I want no dead police OR 'missing' police. So take them down, but not out. Remember; grab anything and everything that looks like it could have anything to do with mutation, like saliva, or even better, skin tissue. You only have three minuets, GO!"

As soon as he said, "Go", the passengers jumped out one by one and ran toward the campsite.

They were all wearing a complete black outfit. Black pants, shirt, shoes, socks, mask, and belt. All of their equipment, metal baton, walkie-talkie, test tubes, trash bags, grappling hook, and night vision goggles, were painted black. They were all invisible in the dark of night.

They climbed up the trees with great ease from using the grappling hooks. To everyone else, they weren't even there. These guys were experts.

They swung through the trees and didn't make more than a small rustle in the treetops. They took the cops down by distracting them and conking them behind the head with their metal batons.

When the policemen were down, they bagged anything large, and put liquids in the test tubes. Two individuals put the two mauled and bloody children of Nathan's into their trash bags and ran back to the van.

While they bagged and examined everything, one separate man saw something that looked like giant dog before it ran off. He looked up at the stars and the moon, his three minutes were up. He grabbed his walkie-talkie and turned it on.

"Sir, I saw something. It looked like a mutated... dog." He told the driver of the van on the other end of the messaging device.

"What!?" The driver yelled, "Take someone with you and go after it, everyone else is to retreat to me immediately!"

"Yes, sir." The man replied to the driver. He gave a few hand signals to two of his comrades and ran with them into the darkness. They saw a large shadow and ran toward it after jumping into nearby trees. One man took five pictures of it and ran off. The other one got his metal baton ready to try to capture it. He jumped down and was instantly attacked by the beast. It grabbed him and threw him into a tree, knocking the tree down and breaking the now dead mans spine.

The other amazed man jumped into a different nearby tree that was behind the beast that was now feeding on the man who was lying next to the broken tree.

Now he was behind it, he could get it, he readied himself to jump, wait. What was that smell? He didn't smell that before so it couldn't be the mutant. He decided pictures were enough. He wanted to know what that smell was.

He started heading towards it after he radioed his boss.

***Chapter 1***
---Part 6---

After Nathan started feeling a little better, he ate, drank, slept, and then he wanted to leave.

"You can't leave, Mr. Mallek." One of the doctors told him, sternly.

"You yourself said that I was ready to leave!" Nathan protested in response,

"Yes, it's true that I said that, but I want you to stay here for a few more days, there are a couple of vital test we need to take. Besides, we don't want your family worrying about you."

"My family is dead... remember?" Nathan said, with very clear hints of anger in his voice.

"I... But I..." The doctor sighed, realizing he was defeated. Nathan asked for his clothes so he could change out of the hospital garments. His were torn from the attack so they brought him fresh clothes. Then the doctor tried to get him to stay one more time.

"Mr. Nathan Mallek, just stay here for one more day. You can receive our hospitality once more before you go. You can eat, sleep, take a shower, and just get refreshed before you go on your way, in this way we could also take those tests and everything would be perfect. How could one more day hurt?"

"Believe me" Nathan answered, "One more day could hurt a lot. I've got to go. Good bye."

After Nathan left, the doctor pulled out a walkie-talkie and started talking into it.

"Sir, he didn't fall for it, he must know that something is going on. He will probably go strait home until tomorrow, then head to the campsite. Ready your men to leave early in the morning, they need to be at the campsite before Nathan gets there. Over and out."

Nathan had no idea something bigger than he could imagine was happening, and that he was getting pulled into it.

He had no idea at all.

[Eadha Deora]

my interest is piqued, EP .... feels like a movie on paper. The motion of events is very satisfying and leads onwards

[EternalPen]

Thank you! I was hoping it would be good, seeing as I wrote this when I was about 12 or 13. I couldn't remember if I had done good or not, so thanks.

[jerH]

Its definitely a very interesting start, all the more impressive if you wrote it at 12! You might give it a quick edit, there were a few lines that kinda caught in the throat. Things like

The fire roared to life and shot embers everywhere that lit up the giant glowing campsite every time a new log was thrown into the fire.

Having fire twice is a bit repetitive, as is

threw him into the fire which put it out except for a few glowing embers, which barely gave out any light.

where the two which's made it sort of run on. And

They took the cops down by distracting them and conking them behind the head with their metal batons.

there's got to be a better word than "conking"

But in reality, these are all nit-picks. Can't wait to see more!

[EternalPen]

Thanks, I'm editing a few things already so I'll keep those suggestions in mind, but if edited, won't be anytime soon. ^_^

[DanHill]

awsome cant wait to hear more

[ea_blue]

Hey EternalPen,

You have the bones of a good story here. I hope you continue to work on it. I want to know what happens next.

I few things to watch out for:

You have a habit of withholding the identity of the characters. This is generally a bad idea unless there is a very strong reason to. This sentence...

...spend time with the kids," said a female, who was talking to her husband, Nathan.

...passes by an opportunity to introduce the wife. Not only that, but it an insult to the wife and women in general. Her only title is 'female'? That's it? A female what? Badger?

"You can't leave, Mr. Mallek." One of the doctors told him, sternly.

At this point, Nathan has had three doctors working on him and we still don't know the name of any of them. It would be nice if 'Dr. Thompson' was one of them. Even if he only has a bit part.

Make sure the target of your adjective and adjective phrases are clear.

said the woman, replying to the sounds of the fire

This portion of the sentence sounds like she is talking to the sounds of the fire!

...after jumping into nearby trees. One man took five pictures of it and ran off....

Was he taking a picture of the trees?

I'm not picking at you here. I KNOW what you meant. I point these things out because you don't want the reader to pause and figure out what you really meant. You want the reader to get it instantly. The story is more readable that way and more enjoyable if the meaning is easily understandable.

When you are describing something by comparing it to another thing, make sure we know what the other thing is.

saw something that looked like Tito. It was MUCH larger than Tito, but it looked a little like him.

At this point, you haven't described Tito. So we still have no idea what this thing looks like.

A black van, as black as the forest around it...

Again, you haven't described how black the forest is, so the comparison is empty.

The plot is interesting. I hope you continue working on this. It's worth the effort.

ea_blue