[Wordsmyth]

Form: Monotetra

Here alone with my thoughts of you,
Caught in a haze I can’t break through,
Your leaving, I just can’t construe.
I long for you, I long for you.

Days keep getting darker it seems,
In listless sleep you haunt my dreams,
My heart cries out with silent screams.
The teardrop streams, the teardrop streams.

The whiskey cannot drown my grief,
Rise and crash as waves on a reef,
Love is gone like a windblown leaf.
I’ve lost belief, I’ve lost belief.

For me I know love will not be,
A thing that I will ever see,
I kneel and cry; I can’t be free.
On bended knee, on bended knee

I wish that I could just break through
This haze I’m in, brought on by you,
Would you care if you only knew?
I still love you, I still love you.

[Eva Marie]

I like the repetition at the end of each stanza, everything flows great.

[Nupur]

Wonderful, Mike, absolutely wonderful. You have a thing for poetry about feelings, and you put them forward so well. There's a lot to keep in mind while writing in this form; tetrameter, rhyme, repetition... One might think that these specifics would give rise to repetitive stanzas with forced rhyme, but in my opinion you did exceedingly well. I loved everything about this, even your alignment, choice of font, the colour... everything. Just one little thing about the formatting bugged me: your double (or is it triple?) spacing. When people use double spacing I feel like they're trying to increase the length of their poem, or rather, make it look like it's longer than it is. But that's just me. Your poem is exceptionally good, and in my opinion you don't need the spacing. But of course, you must have done it for a reason, so ignore me. Lol.

A couple of your lines went beyond the eight syllables, but with a form like this, that's perfectly excusable.

The days keep getting darker it seems,

9 syllables. Perhaps delete the 'the' in the beginning? The flow remains as good as it was and you have 8 syllables.

A thing that I will ever again see,

10 syllables. Not only that, I felt the flow was a little disjointed because of the 'again'. I suggest you delete that. It solves both the problems.

These are just my opinions. You've done a terrific job as it is.

In listless sleep you haunt my dreams,

This has got to be my favourite line.

I wish that I could just break through
This haze I’m in, brought on by you,
Would you care if you only knew?
I still love you, I still love you.

And my favourite stanza. You wrapped up the poem really well by connecting it back to the first stanza, using the word 'haze' again and reinforcing the image. The question in the third line adds greatly to the feeling you are trying to express. And then the last line is just perfect. Amazing work, Mike.

[Wordsmyth]

Thank you very much Nupur.

I'm glad you caught those and I will go back and fix those up. ***FIXED***

The spacing wasn't how I orriginally had it laid out, but for some reason if I didn't have more than one space beween the stanzas when I posted it here the formatting went all screwy.
Probably because I copied and pasted it from word, but I didn't have time to re-type it all out here.

Once again thank you for the kind words!!

[Vorcla]

Well, all this micrometer and monowhositz stuff escapes me; I was always a composition and fiction guy in school and never sought out any poetry classes. But I can instinctively tell that this is well put together. Beyond that, however, the words and the emotions are just damned fine; I really like them. I keep reading poetry to try to absorb some of the stuff by osmosis (although I'm sure the monowhositz stuff will still elude me! ) Then I nominate ones that really move me for "Pick of the Month."

Guess what one of my picks will be for April?

[Wordsmyth]

Well, all this micrometer and monowhositz stuff escapes me;

And thats why I balk when you try to include me with the likes of Bri, Chris, Lu, and Phono. It escapes me too. I just write down what I feel and hope everything comes out alright.

Thank you very much though. Deeply honored for the nod.

[Rain]

Hey Mike, I abosultely loved this one. I loved the repition through stanzas, and each stanza was perfect for me. And those edits that Nup pointed out only made it better. I've said before that emotion and feelings are what I enjoy the most in poetry, and you pulled it off great here. Another thing, how you added a question in the last stanza was a good touch, being that it was the last stanza, it fit in really great.

Days keep getting darker it seems,
In listless sleep you haunt my dreams,
My heart cries out with silent screams.
The teardrop streams, the teardrop streams.

That was my favorite stanza, it seemed to stick out from the others for me, it seemed to be the most epic, almost. The whole thing flowed perfectly, rhyms were terrific, and word choice was great as well. One of my favorite poems I have ever read on this site. Amazing job, Mike

[xtremelady]

Hauntingly sad, you weave these feelings so well and apparently with such ease. You are up there as one of my favourite poets on sm. This is great and even i can see perfectly executed N1.

[RENA HANDS]

Loved the simplicity of your words. Loved the stabbing imagery. And I loved your easy rhymes. (Not that rhyming is ever easy, but you write so well). I honorably give you 4/5!