Closed Form PoetryIf there is a definitive conclusion, and the poet decides to use a specific pattern, such as meter or rhyme, the form will take on what is known as closed form...
As a haiku this is nice. A poem alone it also pleasant. About two lovers, ones benevolence balancing out the author's (perhaps) malevolence.
The "heaven's shall fade" punctuation problem has already been addressed and fixed.
This isn't much (of an annoyance), but to me, when these lines are read:
Quote:
I cannot contain,
That when my lips are parting,
Only demons speak.
To me the line, "That when my lips are parting,"
this would read more smoothly for me if you wrote as,
"I cannot contain,
For when my lips are parting,
Only demons speak."
nitpicking >_<
But I am just rambling. It is fine, perfect as is. This is for your enjoyment and if others gain enjoyment as well, good for them.
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"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan in "Cosmos"
Thank you, I appreciate the input on it, though the idea of this addressing lovers did not quite occur to me while writing it.
Yeah, I myself was somewhat unsure of the wording in the entire piece, as I have never before now even attempted a haiku, let only this odd idea of pairing TWO up, Anyway, I appreciate it, Special, thanks for the comment.
Deft wording highlights the delicacy inherent to a proper haiku, even in the English variety. Beautiful tone and mood, and slightly sorrowful.
I've never written a haiku though am partial to short forms in limited movements. It does not follow that, with regards to poetry, if you have a lot to say, that you must say a lot. Distillation is the key to managing the short form. Yours is a quality example and makes the case for brevity over verbosity.
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"One of my primary objects is to form the tools so the tools themselves shall fashion the work and give to every part its just proportion."
I am truly surprised that this warranted three comments since I last checked. Thank you all, Persephone, Phonoho, Rena Hands, and Nobodylaiceps once more. I apologize for the laziness of this reply but it is after 1:00am and I have to be to work soon. insomnia I'm afraid has returned. But I appreciate the appreciation, and I thank you for your gracious words, as this is only my first attempt. Heh, I shall have to put double effort into the second...if I can think of one that is...
Wow I really like this! Seems like i like all of your work. It looks like you're saying whenever you speak mostly 'bad' things come out and the speaker thinks if this continue than the heavens will fade? I'm not good with haikus but I know a good poem when I see it Well done once again!
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
The heavens shall fade
Lest your quiet, spoken words
Rang not as angels.
Your entire poem is in the present, minus the last line here. I don't know if you wanted to do that on purpose, but it stuck out to me. This can be easily fixed if you change "Rang" to "Ring."
Otherwise, this is lovely. I like it a lot.
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"Into your eyes,
Hopeless and taken,
We stole our lives,
Through blood and pain,
In defense of our dreams."
Very nice haiku...... I have recently become a fan of them and find this one very thought provoking........ excellent job
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I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Oh dear, heh, wow, I did not expect this many people to enjoy this, but I'm happy you all did. Not quite certain what to say other than thank you, and I look forward to reading and commenting more on all your works, I really am finding myself enjoying this site.
Re: Ethereal Brothers
Re: Ethereal Brothers
Linear Mode
