[PICK] A Love That's True - StoriesMania - short stories, poems, essays, scripts and online fiction

**Storiesmaniac** · #1 (**permalink**) 22-12-2005, 03:26 PM

I truly am madly in love with you
Something about your face, your eyes, your style
Your soft touch and everything you do
I can't help but melt at your gorgeous smile

My heart beats like a drum, it can't be helped.
And all I want to do is hold you tight.
A love like this one, I have never felt.
This love, it feels so warm, it feels so right.

For you I will always and forever care
Through the painful, through good and the bad
For you alone I will always be there.
Drying any and all tears that make you sad.

I'll love you forever with all my heart,
And I love you now this is just the start.

* My first attempt at an elizabethan sonnet tell me what you think.

Dark Kitten · #2 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 06:31 AM

I like this, it's a pretty good sonnet. I love seeing the softer side of you

the line "Together, our love is meant" seems a little forced and doesn't go very well with the rest... though I really enjoy the second stanza, its sweet.
~DK

**Storiesmaniac** · #3 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 06:52 AM

lol shhhhh you you dont know how many different conbinations i tried with those to lines, and this was the best thing i could get. I swear it took me about 2 hours to write this poem and most of it was trying to find a line that didnt sound forced. Meh obviously not good enouogh i'll keep trying.

Dark Kitten · #4 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 06:56 AM

whoops... my bad!

**Storiesmaniac** · #5 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 07:01 AM

lol no problems, hehe

nightcharmer · #6 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 12:22 PM

Good poem once again! Haha. Ok for this one i shall not comment much. If not I'll have a lot to say. HAHA. Keep this up!

**Storiesmaniac** · #7 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 06:08 PM

shut up you i know what your thinking. i might have to hun tyou down and kill you. lol.

Wordsmyth · #8 (**permalink**) 23-12-2005, 08:02 PM

Hey there!!! I was reading this and I was thinking that this line:

Quote:

And all I want to do is hold you tight.

was too long and disrupted the flow of the poem. However when I got to the end and found that you were writing a Sonnet I realized that this was actually the only correct line in the poem.

Don't get me wrong I enjoyed this poem and there is a lot of emotion in it. It appropriately tackles the most common topic for a sonnet. It just doesn't follow the strict structure of a sonnet. For an Elizabethan sonnet you have the rhyming scheme and the amount of lines right, but the sonnet requires that each line contains ten syllables. You might go back and ad some words to the rest of the lines to make it a bona fide sonnet, or you can leave it like it is and call it a damn fine poem.

nightcharmer · #9 (**permalink**) 24-12-2005, 02:34 PM

Oh yea, that's what I call a truly passionate male lover. I can sense the masculine voice in this love poem. Not bad not bad. Not bad=Good. Good=Well done. Well done=Keep it up!

**Storiesmaniac** · #10 (**permalink**) 24-12-2005, 03:13 PM

Oh damnit. I thought i was doing it right the person who explained it to me forgot to mention the 10 syllables. Well i might have to re-subbmit this one, it might make it easier, or it might make it harder. We'll see, lol, thank you very much for the help.

DarkPower · #11 (**permalink**) 01-01-2006, 04:27 AM

and was it you stories that said something about my boyfriends letter? now you know you shouldnt be talking now.

**Storiesmaniac** · #12 (**permalink**) 11-01-2006, 10:21 AM

OK GUYS LOOK IN HERE!!!! lol ok i fixed it up i hope, give me you opinions now, i hope it's alot better then it was

Dk - i fixed up those lines

mww70 - since you actually know what your talking about can you give me a bit of feed back on this.

Wordsmyth · #13 (**permalink**) 11-01-2006, 01:40 PM

Nice job Stories. You've just about got it. Just a couple of minor things and this will be a perfect sonnet. First,this line is a syllabel short.

Quote:

Your soft touch and everything you do

Can be quickly fixed by placing "that" between everything and you.

Second This line is 3 sylllabels too long :

Quote:

I'll love you into eternity, with all my heart,

Here is a suggestion. "I'll love you forever with all my heart " It doesn't have the punch to it that the yours had but it fits the criteria.

Oh and maybe a comma between now and this in the last line.

Hope that helps. This is coming along to be a really fine poem and I like watching a work in progress by a talent like you. Keep it up.

**Storiesmaniac** · #14 (**permalink**) 11-01-2006, 02:10 PM

Goddamit, i can't believe i was three syllables too long. Lol, ahh well, thanks so much for the help mww and thank you for the fine comments

Andromeda · #15 (**permalink**) 20-01-2006, 08:08 AM

That was good. I felt like I actually sunk into the poem...very nice!

Anonymous · #16 (**permalink**) 20-01-2006, 09:26 AM

Dont like love poems. Nothing against this one, just doesnt interest me.

**Storiesmaniac** · #17 (**permalink**) 20-01-2006, 05:45 PM

then why did you bother reading it? this isn't meant to be insulting but if you dont like love poetry and you read a title "a love that's true" wouldnt you stop and think hey wait i dont like love poetry no point in reading this one. But saying that im glad you did read it, and even if you don't like it, thank you for commenting.

Andromeda · #18 (**permalink**) 27-01-2006, 08:19 AM

Uh, ya. If you don't like love poems, don't be reading the Love/Romance section, hint that there might be poems in there about love.

**Storiesmaniac** · #19 (**permalink**) 30-01-2006, 08:10 AM

interesting.

Sith Lord Jim · #20 (**permalink**) 15-03-2006, 08:12 AM

Woot woo Walks!!! Whos this lucky lady? Lol

**Storiesmaniac** · #21 (**permalink**) 15-03-2006, 10:38 AM

Lol, well she doesnt know it yet, but it's Amy lee. She's going to marry me, i saw it in a dream. lol. Na no o ne really i was just trying my hand at elizerbethan sonnets, and they have to about love. It's a big must. lol.