[PICK] Bathing

[Lubesh]

Steaming water
Evaporation
Lies beneath your skin
I prod your cheek
It is white, clay cold
Dry, blue, eyes
My sin

Don't lie there and call me insane
Don't bleed on me and taint me
Not till I ordain
Don't weep for me in your eternity
Or whatever heaven or hell you are in
Just don't

Blood rings cold
Dehydrates
Laying on my skin
Tepid water
bathes me gently
Cleanses the ruin
Soothing a
raw din

[dorian hanes]

A most enthralling read and illustration might I post. lol

[foxblade]

This is a very awkward poem for me.

Call me crazy (or just poetically challenged) but I don't get some of the things that you said here.

In one of the lines, you said, "Lies beneath your skin". Does this mean that the evaporation is laying under the dead person's skin, or that there are lies under it?

Also, what's a raw din and how did this person soothe it by bathing? Maybe it was the commotion in this person's mind. I can't really tell.

Then, there's the uneven stanzas. You've got seven lines on the first, six on teh second and eight on the third.

I don't get it.

It's very dark, as any murder/suicide would be, but I felt very little emotion.

[Dala Isyrias]

Whoa Ani, just....whoa.

[Laughing Man]

I am about to take a nice warm shower right now Lube. Nice peice, abstract pieces seem to be the modern for this site right now.

[Dark Kitten]

"Don't lie there and call me insane" I have no idea why, but that line is awesome... otherwise I find the poem kinda distracted.... Perhaps abstract just never really made sense to me... great vocab though! I enjoy your words lubesh, always have, always will... a great first read after a long retreat...thanks.
~DK

[Kalinda]

This is mysterious and complex. It's coldly distant in the way the 'other' is described but also close when it moves to a personal POV. Nicely done.

[psycosis]

I agree that it is dark and it is veru vivid with it's imagery........very good lubesh

[Lubesh]

Thank you v much.

[Nori Kasm]

Hehe, I enjoyed this Lubesh, somehow the words "forensic poem" came to mind while reading this, but the imagery was delightfully dark, "Blood Rings cold" (nice). The switch in the narration threw me a bit, but that's the the only thing I could say about this wonderful piece. Good work!

[Lubesh]

Thanks Nori, yes a bit of confusion there, I was young, carefree, still am actually lol

[jason]

Wonderful poem! I loved the "clay cold" description and the way you switched to the imperative tense in the second stanza. One small suggestion - Maybe "whatever heaven or hell you are in" might sound better than "the heaven or hell you are in"

Keep up the great work - you've written some amazing poems.

[Lubesh]

Thanks Jason and have taken 'whatever' and it reads better now. Imperative, is that what it was lol

[Dark-huntress]

Wow, is this a serial killer you are talking about? 'cause that what it seems like to me. The aftermath after s/he killed she or him. I like this interpretation. Yeah, I'm gonna take that. Fantastic imagery by the way! Nice work as usual

[Lubesh]

You take what u want sweetheart lol, just thanks for reading.

[Vorcla]

I missed this?!

Incredible job, Lu. I really like this - very dark and sinister; nicely executed.

No pun intended.

Damned fine...

[Tay M.]

Just shows that you were great then, and you're great now. Nice job.

[Lubesh]

Well that touched a spot, thank you very much Tay.

[creativeminds]

ohhh.. simply ohhhh... wonderful images painted here

[Lubesh]

Thank you, you are slowly becoming my favourite critic lol. Keep it up!