[Ryankia]

This was my 55 from awhile back, but I made some edits to it since then.

A little girl sits on her bed alone, with her doll in hand - tattered.

Markers scattered, open and used; scissors spread - abused.

Death of innocence voiced through brutal mutilation - subdued.

Mirrors reflect lies, wronged she has been; now she sits alone - confused.

Stolen, was her purity of childhood; never to have again, she cries - resigned.

A paper heart, cut along a jagged line, portrays a life - renewed.

[Vorcla]

Hi, Ryan, I'm waiting for Instant Messenger to download and I saw this come up.

Interesting and well written. Very harrowing though, until that last word -"renewed." Keeps us on the edge of our seat and then lets us breathe a sigh of relief. Very well done.

Rick

[Ryankia]

Thank you, Rick. It took a few tries to get it just the way I wanted, and 'maimed' still doesn't sit completely right with me, but oh well.

[Lubesh]

A little girl sits on her bed alone, with her doll in hand - tattered.

Markers scattered, open and used; scissors spread - abused

Yep a really good piece and i particularly enjoyed the beginning where the internal rhyme u caught just rolls.

Where u used 'maimed' battered came tomind maybe as a compliment to the other rhyme then it may be too late?? given the line placement....?lol just a thought

[Ryankia]

Ooo - hmmm

Definitely a thought. Thanks Ani

[Eadha Deora]

how does a paper heart cut out in a jagged line portray a life renewed?

other than that, sad material but liked how you developed it and kept it all together. The rhyming is a bit awkward though.

[Ryankia]

It falls into line with the message of someone suffering. The heart is whole, but jagged. And the awkward rhyming was on purpose. This isn't a true rhyming piece, or technically true poetry either.

[MasonHung]

What's up
I really loved this poem.
It actually made me emotional, which doesn't happen regularly to me.
I'm not a expert or anything, but I'm impressed..

[Ryankia]

Glad you enjoyed Mason

[Corneac]

Nice. Effortless flow. I love the internal rhymings, and my favourite was the last line. I have a soft spot for hyphens, so the form was great, original. I'm not sure, about the doll metaphor though, it's very-overused. But I think you took an original slant on it. Well done Ryan.

[RENA HANDS]

Why did you end only two sentences with periods? Again, I am certain that I made no entry, but…Marvelous imagery. Spectacular visual of emotions. Not certain if the boldness was intentional, but it almost makes sense so too would adding a color to the whole. I give, well answer my question first then I’ll give my rating.

[Ryankia]

Because I honestly wasn't paying attention to ending punctuation? Lol. Possibly part of it is I didn't know whether to end it with a period or leave them unmarked.

[Rain]

Hi Ryan, one thing I would suggest.

Maimed, does not fit, as everybody has said. It ruined the rhyme pattern and just broke all flow for me. That's the only correction I can see from here and now.

Now to the content, it's a sad story that is told over and over, and you puleed it off just like everybody else. (gets sometimes repetitive for me, because so many people write about it...) And then the ending was great(but for me, once again repetitive, no offense) One thing I liked about it was it reminded me of the music video for Never Too Late... watch the video and then tell me it doesn't for you. Pretty good job Ryan.

[Ryankia]

Maimed is the word I want though, so I am probably not going to change it.

Yes, it is repetitive, but it is a topic which will break the heart of anyone having to see or experience - even if just from a distance. And I believe I have already seen the video...if not several times, especially since 3 Days Grace is one of the bands I do enjoy listening to. Unfortunately, if I recall correctly, Never Too Late doesn't exactly touch on the same exact topic this piece does, but something similar in the very least.

[Peppy]

Using repetiveness gets the point through. I says anyways.

It was depressing to me. Sad. The use of the hyphens is a nice touch. The poem would have been entirely different if they weren't there. Yet "maimed" is really the bug of the poem. Maimed. Maimed. Hmmmmm...

Nonetheless it was good poem.

[Ryankia]

I changed maimed... but not sure if I like its successor yet.

Will, I thinks that's better. Maybe I like it better because it has two syllables. With one syllable, it sounds as though it aburtly ends, but with two it leaves a lasting feeling.