Escape

[Tay M.]

Trying to escape the baron memories that haunt me.
Creeping through the darkest woods of my head,
sneaking behind me, I hear leaves crunch.

Running from my sick, twisted mind.
Crouching behind every corner,
glowing red eyes peek around tree branches.

Fleeing from the perpetual disappointments that plague me.
Splashes in the nearby pond behind me,
shadows swim just below the surface.

Sprinting away from my inner monster.
Ready to pounce and strip me of my sanity,
every waking moment it's there, behind me.

[Lubesh]

My goodness, commas..no lol I mean this was amazing and in short time. the sheer backdrop in metaphor was skillfully played here and ur words and turns where exciting....woods etc leaves all of it....well done....now u can rest a bit lol or join another site. Give us a look in.

[Tay M.]

Thank God, I was worried about this one, I thought it could be good or real bad... I got the good side I guess... lol. Thanks Lu

[dorian hanes]

Thank you for the update about your name change.

Do you really need to end each first sentence with a period? It seems abrupt. What about…(and if this change disagrees with you, then disregard it.)

Sprinting away from my inner monster;
ready to pounce, strip me of my sanity, (took out ‘and’)
every waking moment (its) there, behind me. (not certain of it’s or its.)

Fleeing every perpetual disappointments that plague me; (took out from the, perhaps even look for another word ‘disappointments’)
splashes (*echo) nearby, a pond behind me, (?)
shadows swim just below the surface.

Running from my sick, twisted mind; (took out ‘and’)
crouching behind every corner,
glowing red eyes peek around tree branches.

What about…

Fighting, struggling the baron memories that haunt me;
creeping through the darkest woods of my head,
sneaking behind me, I hear leaves crunch.

Of course I changed the capitalization too, don’t know if that’s significant (requiring change), but you asked my thoughts. I thought the original lines were a bit long for your poetic imagery, but I could be wrong, perhaps some poetry require long sentences. I suggest consulting an actual editor on this matter. I thought your original illustration was deep and dark, just what you wanted? ‘behind me,’ perhaps there are other words to express the same idea? I will rate your original write, 3/5! (Wickedly creative!)

[Tay M.]

Thanks Rena, appreciate the comment/review. I'll look into these later.

[Tay M.]

I did take one suggestion from you Rena, I took out "and" from the line.

Running from my sick, twisted mind.

That's all though, I might work on it a little more as it gets more comments/reviews. Thanks, I truly appreciate you taking a look. This one was quite a wonky one wasn't it? lol.

[Persephone]

I liked the physical being you gave your fears, like it's stalking you. nice