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Old 25-05-2008, 11:05 AM
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Wired to Sleep

No thanks to you for the hotwire,
No jumpstart for me today;
I’ve been awake for far too long
With my wit scalded away

Here, left alone
And grown sick of being stoned
On the vice of someone else’s high,
Pray, let’s call it a day
And just leave me here to pay
The price of blood and bone in lies

Your hot gem, encased in glass,
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
And call the very Sun to your design,
But nothing will immune
Your weary soul from sleep, and soon
Your troubles will be measured more than mine
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Last edited by Phonoho; 25-05-2008 at 11:49 AM.
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Old 25-05-2008, 11:45 AM
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Re: Wired to Sleep

This is great. I love the metaphors used here- the hotwire and jumpstart was definitely a different and interesting way to start the poem that perked up interest right away. Couple things....

Quote:
The price in blood and bone in lies

The use of two "in"s doesn't quite make sense to me here. This could be one of those-- "oh, duh!" moments for me. But until that happens (when/if it does) Perhaps..

Quote:
The price of blood and bone in lies
Also,

Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass,
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
Here I suggest changing the comma after glass to a semi-colon to help show a new thought. I suggest this because the first two times reading these lines, I was thinking you meant "you are a hot gem, encased in glass"... this way it reads a little more obvious...

Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass;
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
That or a hyphen...

Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass-
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass

Wonderfully written and somewhat a different style from you. I really enjoyed it a lot. Very nice work.
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Old 26-05-2008, 01:30 AM
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Re: Wired to Sleep

Thank you, Syrah.
The first line you quoted I had originally worded differently-
Quote:
The price in blood and bone and lies
When I popped back in to change the second and, I forgot to adjust the corresponding preposition. What sharp eyes you have.

Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass,
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
This phrase, with its attached clauses, describes an object (the synthetic antithesis of natural sleep), its appliance, its purpose and perceived result. It was intended to function as a complete statement, as in -
Quote:
You burn your hot gem encased in glass to ease the nighttime's pass,
I'll not say, but it could be a drug metaphor or a reference to anything that foils the body's natural sleep impulse.
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Old 26-05-2008, 02:14 AM
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Re: Wired to Sleep

Understood
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