This is great. I love the metaphors used here- the hotwire and jumpstart was definitely a different and interesting way to start the poem that perked up interest right away. Couple things....
Quote:
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The price in blood and bone in lies
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The use of two "in"s doesn't quite make sense to me here. This could be one of those-- "oh, duh!" moments for me. But until that happens (when/if it does) Perhaps..
Quote:
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The price of blood and bone in lies
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Also,
Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass,
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
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Here I suggest changing the comma after glass to a semi-colon to help show a new thought. I suggest this because the first two times reading these lines, I was thinking you meant "you are a hot gem, encased in glass"... this way it reads a little more obvious...
Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass;
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
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That or a hyphen...
Quote:
Your hot gem, encased in glass-
You burn to ease the nighttime’s pass
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Wonderfully written and somewhat a different style from you. I really enjoyed it a lot. Very nice work.