[Alex]

Hanging from its barren edge,
I sat upon this hill.
The roots were dangling from its dirt,
To the world below they spilled.

The mist that formed from the clouds around,
Kissed wetly on my face.
The giant propellors that bordered this beast,
Forced time to slow its pace.

"Dark skies ahead," I whispered softly,
The quiet rang in my ears.
I stood to my feet as the childen cried,
Streaming out their tears.

I looked to see a change in the light,
It turned a crimson red.
The golden beam that once stood there,
Now seemed to have had bled.
The colony is now dead.

[Phonoho]

This one is disturbing. I like the use of the title in the closing line. I often do that myself. It feels like a circuit closing and usually signals a point of recognition of the poem's core subject. This one doesn't, and that's what makes it disturbing to me. It's almost alien, as if you spoke another language and that English were a clever disguise.

The colony has now been dead.

Perhaps this should read "was now dead" or "is now dead".

[Alex]

Well, I am planning on writing a sequel to it, kind of like the hide and seek parts just without the three.

[RENA HANDS]

I wish I had more expertise in or of poetry to explain further my thoughts for your submission until then please accept the following...

Captivating is your imagery here. And emotions too. You say there will be more? I look forward to its continuation, so for this first installment I rate 4/5!

The giant propellers that bordered this beast,
Forced time to slow its pace.

I stood to my feet as the children cried,
Streaming out their tears.

The whole fourth stanza…marvelously illustrated.

[MindsEye]

Very imaginative piece. I can only suggest some possible alterations to improve flow.

For example:

Hanging / from its /barren /edge, 7
I sat /upon / this hill. 6
The roots / were dang /ling from /its dirt, 8
To the world / below /they did /spill. 8

You can remove the extra syllable in the last line of the first stanza by getting rid of the word "they" or "did" and the meaning/imagry and rhyme scheme remain intact.

The mist that formed from the clouds around,
Kissed wetly on my face.
The giant propellors that bordered this beast,
Forced time to slow its pace.

By removing the "The" from the first and third lines in my opinion it improves the flow again leaving the meaning and rhyme intact..well except the "the"s

"Dark skies ahead," I whispered softly,
The quiet rang in my ears.
I stood to my feet as the childen cried,
Streaming out their tears.

For this stanza.. emotion is the key to its dramatic effect. To possibly intensify this and again flow, the connection between lines and their syllable counts is important. My suggestion would be again to eliminate extraneous words like the "in" in line 2 and "my" in line 3 and simplify the word "softly" by making it "soft".

I looked to see a change in the light,
It turned a crimson red.
The golden beam that once stood there,
Now seemed to have had bled.
The colony is now dead.

For the final stanza I have the same basic comments... simplify and improve flow. Line 1 remove "the". I agree with the previous posts too that the final line could also use some rewording but ... man I don't want to tackle that one because it is a pinicle... very important to the piece... and I just don't see what else works. I do see that the extra line added to the stanza is a good way of causing the reader to focus and stammer the flow.. which works. But as for the actual wording and syllable structure that would work best.. I am at a loss. I would say that given the subject (the ending, death) that it should be a short line as it is but there is something that seems inconsistant and uncomfortable. (again that might be good too for contrast sakes)

Ok wow... thas it.. let me say this is a wonderful piece that truly does not need anything. My suggestions are merely my point of view.. which is skewed towards a more structured piece. The imagry and emotion in this work as well as the storyline cary the reader on a dark mysterious journey in just a few lines. So you say their will be continuations... awesome I can't wait. Keep up the great work.

[Alex]

Thank you so much, I have just now posted the sequel to it and I am unsure if I will continue but, who knows.