[MindsEye]

Scanning, feeling every death
Sweat and sand, the smell of breath
Button down, listen up and look out.

Who cleared our route to eternity?
Blessed the tread of LPCs?
Swept the stars and watching eyes?

Equipment check, lock and load
Wary objects of the road
IEDs don’t smell like roses.

Frosted, dusted, traveling through
Brisk morning, mourning dew
Heavy thickness, plates in stow –

Frozen –
Moments standing still
Born of epitaphic chill
A helmet on your splintered soul

Smoldering dispatched anatomy
Shattered knees, pain’s familiarity
Severed items, tagged for inventory

Lost in a flowering blossom
Touched by fear's cold hand
Feeling every death

-------------------------------
Authors Note: This piece was for an anthology of war poetry I put together and provided critical analysis of titled "bellum est... (war is)" it can be found here: Alucin_Acies Blog

[Syrah]

Very well written. Sad... heartbreaking. The flow was spot on-- except for one spot where I felt there was an added comma that impeeded the flow just a bit....

Button down, listen up, and look out.

Here, I would drop the comma before and... not needed for grammar and the flow (in my opinion) is better when you don't pause there.

This piece actually reminds me of a more structured piece than of my "Addiction".

I look forward to more of your works.

[MindsEye]

Thank you very much for your advice on this... that was one of the areas, as well as the second stanza, that I was considering some punctuation changes to improve flow.
I think My initial idea with the addition of the extra comma in that line was to capture the intensity and intentional emphasis on each element as in a military convoy briefing. However, looking at the result of removing the comma I think it works just as well without it. Thanks

[RENA HANDS]

Being no expert on poetry, I go by the following…

Imagery, excellent!

Illustration/execution of emotions, fantastic!

Rhyme, splendid!

For this and beyond my comprehension of in depth expertise, I rate 4/5!

One thing…Touched by (fear’s) fears cold hand Is this not a possessive?

[MindsEye]

Originally Posted by RENA HANDS

One thing…Touched by (fear’s) fears cold hand Is this not a possessive?

Absolutely..thank you for catching that

[Lubesh]

What clinched this for me was the contrast and mix of technical, tho little mention amid some pretty nifty 'poetry'. I was thrown between the two, real life reminders and reality and the ebb and flow of the sheer imagery... from LPC's to

Smoldering dispatched anatomy
Shattered knees, pain’s familiarity
Severed items, tagged for inventory

Lost in a flowering blossom
Touched by fears cold hand
Feeling every death

Fascinating and very good stuff!

[Rakkasan]

Good stuff. You know full well that poetry and prose of this nature strikes home to me. You've dealt with it appropriately, and in such a way that only the clinically brain-dead individual could read through this without having the mind overloaded with sensory perceptions.

This is just me, but as one who knows the tone, stress, emphasis, etc. of a mission briefing, I like the following line better with the extra comma. No, it is not necessary, but would demand a brief pause, such as would be heard if one were there.

Originally Posted by MindsEye

Button down, listen up and look out.

Then again, for the sake of flow, it reads so much better without it. Even with the extra comma absent, those of us who have been there will likely automatically read it with the tone, inflection...

Anyways, great work.

[Vail]

It's not often I can read through a piece and not find anything to correct. I mean.. there are some things I could point out, but it would be an exercise in futility. You didn't quite stick to your rhyming format throughout the whole piece, but I don't think that it was really necessary that you did so either. I mean, yes, you did establish a pattern, but the way this reads anyhow, beautiful.

I would have to say an excellently well-executed work here. Your subject matter knowledge seemed spot-on. I cannot believe that no one else has brought to your attention what I find to be the best part of the poem. Your repetition device of morning, and mourning... genius. I fell into complete love with this write when I had read that. Sooo.. good. Thank you for sharing, normally I'm not all sunshine and roses over a piece, but you've got me here.

[Nupur]

I've heard a lot about your work, but sadly I've never had the opportunity to actually go through one of your poems. This is the first, and going by it, I have to tell you how wonderful a poet you are.

This one is amazing. I was drawn in right from the first line. AS everyone has already mentioned, the flow is stunning. Coming to the line of much discussion:

Button down, listen up and look out.

I'm with Rakkasan here. I like the effect the that comma before 'and' has. Of course, the flow is slightly disrupted, but I think a pause would be better here.

Who cleared our route to eternity?
Blessed the tread of LPCs?
Swept the stars and watching eyes?

All these rhetorical questions fit here perfectly. Great usage.

Frozen –
Moments standing still
Born of epitaphic chill
A helmet on your splintered soul

This is my favourite part. I like the effect the lone 'Frozen' provides, along with the hyphen. I adore war poetry and love writing it, and could instantly connect with what you're saying here, specially in these lines.

The last stanza is the perfect way to end something so wonderful. Some of the phrases you have used... 'fear's cold hand', 'smoldering dispatched anatomy'... these totally blew me away.

I enjoyed this to the core. Would love to read more from you. Excellent work.