She sneaked to the lake, about a mile through the woods.
She walked up, knelt at the dock and took off her hood.
She pulled a sapphire jewel from her neck that glowed in the dark.
She dipped it in the water and ringlets pulsed like a beating heart.
Her body lit up a fluorescent blue that pierced my eyes with amaze.
Her eyes grew white and her skin began to emit invisible flames.
As she walked, her clothes burnt and turned into dust.
She had become a being or entity, pure and without lust.
She stepped upon water as if it was land and turned to look at me.
She smiled a smile of wonder and fear as if she could see.
See the future, the past and so on, as if she saw it all.
The pain and suffering, the beauty and glory of the world before it would fall.
She stretched out her arms and the water swirled around her body and soul.
She shot into the sky above leaving this world cold.
I felt myself die, it was painful yes,
But in my heart I knew it was best.
__________________
"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
- Eric Forman, That 70's Show
Last edited by Alex; 06-12-2009 at 10:02 AM.
Reason: reworking it
Your poetry seems to be set in a different plain of existence. You don't stick with gritty realism, you go for the alternate universes or images in your head. You try to capture the best of them.
In this poem, it sounds as though you're trying to perfect your craft.
The images in the poem were fantastic. It kind of leaves a mark of magic and wonderment. I'm glad you actually transported me to a different world.
I'm not sure what the poem means. It could mean various things. I guess it's up to the reader of what should be felt since the images are unique and myth-like. Ever read Jabberwocky? In Jabberwocky there are a slew of words that don't make sense at all, at least according to the dictionary, but they're there because the words are supposed to set off many different kind of emotions, based on how they sound or look. I think you're typically using images instead of words in the poem.
Some people may be turned off by the images. Some people like the power of words where the words are supposed to provoke images and emotion. Some people may be turned off that this sounds too experimented since this form of poetry isn't "mainstream".
As I peeled away at the poem, saw the symbolisms, I thought the poem was sad. It kind of reminds me of suicide, I'm just saying because of the "angel" part of the title….
Quote:
See the future, the past and so on, as if she saw it all.
The bolded up words sound like you were at a loss of words. I don't know if "the present" will work, I think it does.
I think I'm going a little overboard so I'll stop.
Nice poem, Alex.
-
(I‘m not even sure if that makes sense? I tried to include pros and cons, but I'm not entirely sure if I was successful?)
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I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back
Thank You, but by leaving "so on" in there it sparks more ideas about what it could mean and I like that. Keep the public guessing. And, in poetry, it's always good to keep your eyes open and your mind ticking. Otherwise it might begin to rust.
__________________
"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
I thought the long two line stanzas for you worked very well, it made it flow almost flawlessly with a few bumps here and there where it was noticed but not a big notice. Terrific poem, probably my favorite from you...
__________________ "Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot
There's a kind of magic in this one, something like a blue haze over the complete poem...I was captured, taken to that place in the woods and there, I stood with my mouth open, watching all that unrolling in front of my eyes.
The last word and I was back in my room, wondering what a h..l happened?
I still don't know...
__________________ The clowns were passing, and everybody knows that inside, somewhere, their hearts are broken.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
I liked this, I believe the long two lines worked well for you (just repeating Rain here) but the last two seemed hurried. I like the fact you changed it up but it just seemed like it didn't work that well, kind of stoped the flow in a bad way.
Quote:
She smiled a smile a wonder and fear as if she could see.
Was this maybe supposed to be of, sounds like it was.
I really did enjoy the imagery. It seemed that each and every line had some kind in it from a saphire jewel relating to a beating heart to invisible flames turning her into a jewel herself.
Kinda gave me the image of the princess from the cartoon movie Atlantis, just saying thats what I saw. When the princess turns into that blue being or whatever, that's what I pictured.
Quote:
See the future, the past and so on, as if she saw it all.
The pain and suffering, the beauty and glory of the world before it would fall.
This has got to be my favorite stanza/ line out of the whole thing.
On another note, the first line from the second stanza threw me a little. Made me pause and have to restart, the flow seemed a bit off there. Other than that wonderful job.
I've come to notice, as Peppy said, that your poems are otherworldy and usually play out the meaning through images and I believe that's what I"ve come to love about your pieces, good job.
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"Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!"
Thank You. I used your suggestion Atlas, it was supposed to be of, it must have just flew right over my head, good catch.
And, I reworded the line you had trouble with, maybe it flows a bit better now, Thanks.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
this is one of my favorites of yours. Everything flowed so very nicely. it's like you're saying farewell to lost love. or a relationship that didn't work out. this is great.
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
Very interesting poem. As Peppy said, the poem seems to be centered around the images. I liked the images a lot but I felt like the structure itself was a little awkward. The longer lines are fine, but I think you could maybe equalize the number of syllables in them to make things flow a little more smoothly. But that's just me, it may be that some people like it. Also, although I like the sound of the last two lines, I don't really understand how they relate to the poem, or for that matter what the poem means at all if it does have a specific meaning. I did very much enjoy the images though, nice work
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Evolution - Where's your god now?
I think –As she walked her clothes burned* and turned into dust. ?
As Delightful and Entertaining your poems, I think by now U could ask for assistance from qualified editors to work ur pieces with a bit more fluidity. It’s a bit Choppy for me, as previously stated, Delightful and Entertaining.
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If you'd like to express Yourself ...please call 1-800-WHATEVER (lol)
Thank You, yeah, the flow and syllable counts are a little messed up. I was trying to do something a tad bit different, with the longer lines I suppose. They really are a mouthful when reading aloud.
Thanks for the comments, I'll try to rework them a bit.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
As she walked(,) her clothes burnt and turned into dust.
maybe a comma there?
wow. this is packed with gorgeous imagery. clear as the sky. Seems as if you're describing a goddess or perhaps someone you love or really like. some of you're poems, like this, written in a story telling manner, remind much of fantasy. i like reading them. keep em coming.
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My penmanship is hardpressed / with wordy
weight / hurried and broken / unpracticed, unscripted / untamed
She pulled a sapphire jewel from her neck that glowed in the dark.
She dipped it in the water and ringlets pulsed like a beating heart.
I like this image of the water pusling like a beating heart.
Quote:
Her body lit up a fluorescent blue that pierced my eyes with amaze.
Her eyes grew white and her skin began to emit invisible flames.
From what I read in the poem. You were doing the couplet thing. This just didn't seem to rhyme in the end like the other verses did. to mee it seemed out of place.
I liked the image here though.
Quote:
She stretched out her arms and the water swirled around her body and soul.
She shot into the sky above leaving this world cold.
This was wonderful. I love the image of water going around her body and water around her soul.. the image in my mind was just.. I can't even explain it.
Oh and the soul and cold.. didn't seem to rhyme as well.
For the things that I said seemed out of place, it could just be me. But anyways I loved this peice. It was really well done. It was so full of images that. You painted the picture very well.
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Time is a paradox, waiting to be undone.
Thank You. I don't know if I was doing a couplet or not. To tell you the truth, I don't know that much about poetry. Sometimes the rhymes just come naturally, and sometimes they dont, haha.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
True wit is nature to advantage dress'd;
What oft was thought, but ne'er so well express'd.
— Alexander Pope
Whether or not we find what we are seeking
is idle, biologically speaking.
— Edna St. Vincent Millay (at the end of a sonnet)
that is why I suggest that it was a couplet poem.. though couplets normally are only two lines. But can be also made into a sonnet ect..
I got this definition off the internet.
While traditionally couplets rhyme, not all do. A poem may use white space to mark out couplets if they do not rhyme. Couplets with a meter of iambic pentameter are called heroic couplets. The Poetic epigram is also in the couplet form. Couplets can also appear in more complex rhyme schemes. For example, Shakespearean sonnets end with a couplet.
Rhyming couplets are one of the simplest rhyme schemes in poetry. Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales are written in rhyming couplets. John Dryden in the 17th century and Alexander Pope in the 18th century were both well known for their writing in heroic couplets.
Because the rhyme comes so quickly in rhyming couplets, it tends to call attention to itself. Good rhyming couplets tend to "snap" as both the rhyme and the idea come to a quick close in two lines. Here are some examples of rhyming couplets where the sense as well as the sound "rhymes":
that is why those two verses seemed off to me due to the form you took with the others... but I could also be totally wrong.. haa
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Time is a paradox, waiting to be undone.
Thank You, I appreciate the time you took to explain that and to look up the definition. I'll probably try to rework this in a little while and deal with those issues, make it flow a little better. You know, work on the syllable count and all. It's been a while since I wrote it so it's probably overdue for an update.
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"Life is like train barreling down the tracks and guess what, it's gonna hit you. You have two choices, you can turn and run from it or pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come."
oh ok haa.. i just figured I would give you the definition of it, cause i had mention it be a couplet and you didn't know what it was really and it would make more sense.. Glad I could help
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Time is a paradox, waiting to be undone.
Re: Blue Angel
Linear Mode
