I slip out my door, it's still there.
I gently open my brother’s door
and close it behind me.
I no longer hear it, but feel it all around me.
He lies there,
Tangled in his bed sheets
With his head on a obscure angle
Baring his neck, like he’s inviting me in.
I can see each vein,
Spider webs pulsing under his fragile skin.
I lean down to touch his warm blood filled neck,
I am millimetres away.
WAIT! What the hell am I doing?
I run as silently as I can from his room.
and slip into the bathroom
I’m furious with myself.
I’m so outraged I can't bear to look at myself,
I have this feeling inside me-
It's been squirming inside me for days...
I’m so thirsty
I begin to gulp the cold water from the tap,
But its dull, tasteless-
Add some heat to the water,
It’s about the same temperature as blood,
The blood that runs though my brother’s neck,
Along each of his veins,
Just pulsing.
An inviting, steady pulse of blood...
What am I thinking?
What am I becoming?
Rage builds within me again,
This time its different.
The pain is unbearable.
I’m on cold tiles on the bathroom
Writhing in pain,
My teeth are moving, growing...
I feel my bracers snap,
And my mouth fills with thick saliva.
It hurts so bad!
I bite into my arm with such force.
And my warm blood trickles down my throat...
but it's not enough,
So I tear deeper into my arm-
A steady flow rushes through my body.
I manage to shake myself from my madness.
Thirty seconds and myself inflicted wounds begin to clot and heal,
but I’m still shaking with rage,
I stand and splash my face with the running water.
But I as I look up
To gaze at the raging mess that I am,
There is nothing,
Nothing but tiles that are behind my head.
I stare at the tiles,
Where am I?
I don’t have a reflection
And I’m still so thirsty!
Will my friends notice?
Have they already noticed?
I don’t sleep, I don’t eat
I’m just so goddamned thirsty!
__________________
Take Life By The Horns...Just Dont Let It Run You Into A Wall
You know, when this started out I was sure there was going to be some sort of incestual relationship going on here, so imagine my relief figuring out that it was about vampirism! Yay vampires! ^_^ Anyway, lots of great, dark images here. My favorite stanza:
Quote:
He lays there,
Tangled in his bed sheets
With his head on a obscure angle
Bearing his neck, like he’s inviting me in.
I can visualize it just so. Well done!
__________________
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I reall liked this..........there are a few errors but otherwise it's great
his head at an obscure angle
thirty seconds and my self inflicted......... seperate words there
goddamn is one word and all of you its should be it's with apostrophe
I love the imagery here, of course I've gotten that alot with your writing
__________________
I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain and yet, I'm still here to explain.
That the darkest hour never comes in the night, you can sleep with a gun....but when ya gonna wake up and fight.......for yourself -Shinedown
Tangled in his bed sheets
With his head on a obscure angle Bearing his neck, like he’s inviting me in.
Should be baring, as in exposing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily;
And my warm blood trickles down my throat...
but its not enough,
Should be it's for it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily;
I don’t sleep, I don’t eat
I’m just so god damn thirsty!
Should be goddamned). Or maybe damned. Would a vampire say "God?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily;
Its been squirming inside me for days...
I’m so thirsty
Should be it's for it has.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily;
I am millimetres away.
Depends on what country you're in. Here in the US of A, we say millimeters. This isn't wrong, but I just thought I'd point that out. You're using the British/Australian spelling.
Now - these are just minor and don't detract from the power of this poem. As for that...
Wow! I love this. I'm a big werewolf and vampire fan, and this is right up my alley. Very chilling, scary and creepy. You have some incredible descriptors here, such as:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily;
I can see each vein,
Spider webs pulsing under his fragile skin.
I lean down to touch his warm blood filled neck,
I am millimetres away.
And this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily;
I’m so outraged I can't bear to look at myself,
I have this feeling inside me-
Its been squirming inside me for days...
I’m so thirsty
What a great description of someone turning into a vampire! Looks like you've done your homework - the instantaneous healing and cell regeneration, no reflection, etc. Tell you what, you made my skin crawl, and that's not easy to do. I've written some blood-curdling horror tales that have made readers squirm, and now you got me. Again, wonderful descriptors and vivid imagery. Your writing skills are well advanced for someone of your tender age. This rates a Vorcla's "damned fine," which on a rating scale is the same as 10/10. Nice job.
__________________
.
"I wanted revenge - whenever somebody kills me, I tend to get a little upset."
~ Dylan Vorcla ~
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Last edited by Dylan Vorcla; 18-06-2009 at 11:33 PM.
Should be goddamned). Or maybe damned. Would a vampire say "God?"
i think this vampire would say god, for he is new to vampirism, he doesnt entirely believe it all, personally to me hes saying "god" in a way of not only anger and frustration but almost hope..... thats if you wanted to look that far into it.
and yes, ask anyone i know....I love vampires.... i'm a massive twilight fan, and i've read many vampire books of late so i guess that gave me what i needed.
I am thrilled you like this so much! when i wrote this i wasn't really happy with it but others are loving it , forcing me to love it too. It's a big change for me, writing non heartbreak or love poems.
i'm so glad it gives you chills....thats just so cool!!
__________________
Take Life By The Horns...Just Dont Let It Run You Into A Wall
What mind-blowing images! I could picture the whole poem almost as a short movie unwrapping in my head and every detail was there, perfectly in front of my eyes, like on big screen. The theme is, of course, close to me, so I can just say: I love it!
__________________ The clowns were passing, and everybody knows that inside, somewhere, their hearts are broken.
If I’ve not said nor neither introduced myself, then allow me the honor of doing so now…
‘Hello and Welcome to SM.’ Obviously I am Rena Hands, and if there’s anything that I can assist you with or if you have any questions that I maybe able to answer…just PM me or leave a message at the Visitor’s Message box.
Now for your posting –
I think you’ve some Strong Imagery here, but I think too that the words could be executed in another manner. But I don’t know what.
Here it should be (With his head at* an* obscure angle)
What about just saying –Baring his neck, he invites me. ?
I think (But it’s* dull, tasteless-)
Here it should be (The blood that runs through* my brother’s neck) And you don’t need to mention again that it is your brother. We already know that it is your brother.
Something like…
The blood that gushes/rushes in his neck OR The blood that gushes/rushes under his skin,
Inside* each vein,
pulsating.
It’s a bloody invitation.
Merely say (I’m on the freezing bathroom tiles)
And what are ‘bracers?’ Did you mean ‘braces?’
Question, wouldn’t the break of one’s braces be more than ‘hurtful?’ I mean we’re talking about metal piercing the flesh inside one’s mouth?
In some forms of poetry, the ‘little words’ aren’t necessary. That is my point here, you don’t need THEs, ANDs, Is. Also I think your words could be more dramatic.
Example here –
Quote:
And the warm blood trickles my throat…
but it’s not enough,
my teeth dig deep(er) into my flesh
my body drowns in this new invigoration
Still for a young writer, I must say you’ve a unique style.
__________________
Don’t bust my balls (and look at my eyes not my tits) I’m still a learning fool.
This isn't wrong, but I just thought I'd point that out. You're using the British/Australian spelling.
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