[PotM] Weeping Unto the Dark...

[Lubesh]

Note> Thank you to Laughing man for generous contributions .....gave me a launching pad again, thanks.


Once upon a time so gory
Here is a tale, a gruesome story
In the deep, dark forest's bay
The blackest night has been driven away
By the banshees' shrieking wail
The moon once a glow, dims to pale

Creatures and critters on bellies crawl
To attend a gathering, firstly small
Bats and spectres, ghouls and ghosts
Are summoned from wastelands by their hosts
Poisoned fingers follow the sky
Beckoning the witches flying by

A searing stench rises filling the air
A putrid old wizard leans forth from his chair
He lowers gaping sores and balding head
Within the confines of tomorrow's dread
Long has paled that scorched sky
Echoes fade and some memories die

Still she haunts him phantom wise
But drifting from her longing ties
He condemns her to death for "loathsome betrayal,"
His world conjured to witness a beauty, frail
Be fed to the lions in this den of iniquity
Gouged and gored; screaming mad obscenity

Tricked was she into this depraved lair
By writhing shadows and false stare
Spitting and clawing, more demons loom
She vanishes, withdraws to her mind's tomb
From inside her ravaged, tortured shell
She prays for delivery from this night...into hell

[Vail]

Excellent job Lubesh. One little spelling fault, second to last stanza, second to last line in that stanza. Last word, iniquity is actually inequity. I feel bad for opening this review with criticism however. Really detailed intricate story told with the rhyme of poetry. You last stanza was powerful, very much so. It seemed to hold more emotion to me than the others, but it makes it a perfect closer to a piece too. And your last line, really wrapped the whole package up. Thanks for sharing.

[Storiesmaniac]

Brilliant. Brilliant, Wonderful. I loved it. good work. Thumbs up

[Wordsmyth]

Very good. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[Lubesh]

Thanks vail for the compliments, however the word i wanted was iniquity to mean Gross immorality as opposed to inequity which means Injustice; unfairness or An instance of injustice or unfairness

But glad u all took the time to comment thanks.

[HUNNYBUNNY]

there is nothing more for me to say but WOW!.........i can only hope to write something that good great read lubesh.

[Vail]

My bad Lubesh.. I guess I should look stuff up before "judging" it.. Meh. It happens. I apologize. ^^

[Lubesh]

no probs, thanks for the trouble. either one could have applied though

[Dark Kitten]

Nice to see the darker side of our precious Lubesh! I really enjoyed this poem, very graphic and "story-teller-ish". I started to feel a little bit detatched from the poem in the first couple of stanzas though, to be honest, cuz the language used was soooo simple, all I could picture was a child's halloween book with jackolanterns and little kids dressed as ghosts. It began to get deeper and less child-friendly though around the third and definitely by the fourth and the last was probably the best in my view with the last line being very powerful. A really great work overall, it was quite entertaining and interesting. I liked it a lot.
~DK

[realmz]

I like your first stanza
but I feel that

-In the deep, dark forests(') bay ?
"The blackest night has been driven away" - I seem to feel that this is somewhat contradicting.

This is still really a dark and beautiful poem though, and I really enjoyed it, thanks.

[Lubesh]

ok but in thick forests the very nature of that creates a darkness seperate from that of a dark sky, which has been driven away. thanks for taking the time glad u liked it

[BookWhale***]

This was great, lub. The flow, and rhythm and rhyming - it fit together like a puzzle pieces. But, I found one gramer fix - last stanza, 4th line.

She vanishes, withdraws to her minds tomb

shouldn't it be, mind's tomb? Since youa re talking about her mind?

[Lubesh]

thanks skee and well spotted bw, glad u both enjoyed it.

[nightcharmer]

Being a horror buff, I hereby certify this poem as "horrifically" excellent! Nice dark imagery. Sppppoooooooky. Lubesh, didn't know you have your dark side as well. Hahaha. I still prefer your poems from your usual genres though. But then, this one should stay and it soars!

[spinx]

All i can say is wow!!!!!!

[Lubesh]

thank you v much

[spinx]

Well as far as the mr. can say is wow well I say it was awesome. liked it liked it liked it, loved it
gave me chills,

[Gigle]

It's really amazing how you fit so much story into a poem! I really liked it, especially the last stanza, and especially the last line. Praying to enter hell..

[Lubesh]

thanks gigle..i love a story based poem

[Arnklit]

I nomally ain't that interested in other people's poems, I just write some for myself when I need to empty my head, but I really enjoyed this; thanks for a great read lubesh.

[Maylar]

I could almost quote Arnklit's post,as I'm also not a some dedicated reader of poetry (even when I write it,I write to clear my mind)...but,one learn every day,and this "one" is left quite astonish...thank you,lubesh,you gave me what I like the most,about any reading...the atmosphere!And I give you a deep bow for that.

[Lubesh]

I missed your post maylar thank you indeed for the praise...

[Syrah]

Hey LU. All I can say is....... That was %&*$(%g fantastic! (chat room edit meets forums hehe)

[Laughing Man]

hey wait I dont get any credit...lol

[Lubesh]

Originally Posted by Laughing man

hey wait I dont get any credit...lol

ah i know..u should....and thanks again for supplying the erm litle dot things at the end lol

Thanks syrah too much appreciated...by both of us...lol

[solidsnakebite]

The story telling aspect is very good. I felt... well, I felt Halloween. I don't know if thats good or bad. All the mentions of ghouls and ghosts and bats with specters- it felt very Halloween. Very cool though. It has inspired me to attempt this form of story telling. It seems very challenging. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Lubesh]

Thanks again...pm me if and when u feel like it. be glad to helpout if I can.

[Laughing Man]

lol...a launch pad

spring board then...whats wrong with launching pad..lol

[Phonoho]

This struck me like a painting by Frank Frazetta, a bold, dark portrait of an even darker world. Vivid colors and wildly scary. Good dark L.

[Lubesh]

Glad you enoyed it Phonoho and taking time to read.