I didn't find the flow very pleasing, though the edit helped a lot. What I did like was the scope of the poem. It is a profound view that only so many people know first-hand. If I may ask (obviously, I may; however, you may not reply), is this from personal experience? My own was similar, yet very different.
Very compelling writing, though I think you have the ability to make it much better. You should try to work on this some more. You might come to fall very much in love with the end result.
__________________ "A truly good book teaches me better than to read it. I must soon lay it down, and commence living on its hint. What I began by reading, I must finish by acting." - Henry David Thoreau
No this wasn't from personal experience. I was sitting in Pizza Hut one day, thinking about war and how grieving and useless attempts can be...no, half of what I write is purely imagining myself if someone else's shoes. I like to write from others' views...It's nice every once in a while.
And thank you. I know the flow isn't the best, but I have thought of extending a bundle of my poems. I just need to get around to it.
__________________ "Guess my princess is in another castle..." Zaboo, The Guild
Re: Depart
Linear Mode
