It is dark and it is dreary,
dead gray clouds dull the sky.
And with an enviable theory
the wind heaves forth a solemn sigh.
There are no leaves on the streets,
None of there fallen comrades' on the ground.
Only howling wind and dark eves
interrupt the dying sound.
The dead rise at nightfall,
all bitter and twisted and hurt.
Sharp bright flames engulf them all,
as they roll around in the dirt.
There is no place of refuge near
No boulder, hilltop or rocky mound,
only howling wind and screams of fear
interrupt the dying sound.
"And with an enviable theory
the wind heaves forth a solemn sigh."
My favorite part, but I like the whole poem very much...it made me searching for some warmer clothing (on this hot day). Athmosphere is great and really "alive"...almost you can feel the wind. For me, it was like looking trough some window, to another world...the world wich stares back in you, with a cold, evil grin on its face.
For my taste, really good one.
__________________ The clowns were passing, and everybody knows that inside, somewhere, their hearts are broken.
"And with an enviable theory
the wind heaves forth a solemn sigh."
My favorite part, but I like the whole poem very much...it made me searching for some warmer clothing (on this hot day). Athmosphere is great and really "alive"...almost you can feel the wind. For me, it was like looking trough some window, to another world...the world wich stares back in you, with a cold, evil grin on its face.
For my taste, really good one.
Yes, those are great lines but I do not see the grin; I do feel a cold and solemn invitation tempting me to join the evil dead. As if the ghosts of warriors left for dead on a forgotten battlefield rise again to search for their soldier brethren, who have since gone on to glory without them.
Nice title too.
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"One of my primary objects is to form the tools so the tools themselves shall fashion the work and give to every part its just proportion."
I apologize, but I usually start with the negatives, or not-so-right stuff. Your sixth line, you have the word 'there' it should be 'their' Just a quick fix on that one. Your fourth line in your second stanza, for some reason it just seems off, 'in the dirt' I think the is slaughtering the line, but if you take it out, it's lacking.. maybe consider redoing the line a little, it just seems horribly cliche and very amateurish sounding... (that's completely) personal opinion.
Your second stanza was definitely the stronger of the two, it kinda puts the poem off balance, but the fact that it is so short, helps lessen that effect considerably. This is definitely dark, and while it is fantastical as far as the images it provokes, it does a great job fitting into the category. I must say, not bad at all.. would almost say one of your better ones. A little revision and this will be mint. Thanks for sharing, and my earlier offer stands.
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I'm abrasive, direct, and generally as helpful as I know how to be. If I cause you some offense, please let me know, and then do your best to get over it. Thanks.
I have to say I like the imagery in the poem. It sounds memorial, except it seems hollow (or neglected). I'm not calling the poem hollow, I just mean it makes me feel hollow... Hmmm..., anywho, I have to say you pretty much have good imagery.
Don't really have anything bad to say, so I'll stop. Oh yeah, good analogy to the two verses.
Nice piece, Prescription.
Quote:
None of there fallen comrades' on the ground.
As Vail said, "there" is supposed to be "their" and there's no need for an apostrophe.
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You know, if you're gonna ask someone to save the world, you'd better make sure they like it the way it is.
And with an enviable theory
the wind heaves forth a solemn sigh.
My favorite part as well.
I thought it was good, your descriptions and adjectives fit the 'dark' them incredibly, but at times it seemed to have TOO much detail... in my opinion...
Sharp bright flames
I'd say keep sharp or bright, and get rid of the other... Just an opinion.
It was good, I don't have the pleasure of reading too much of your work, sadly, but I liked this.
__________________ "Angels lie to keep control. If you still care don't ever let me know."-Slipknot
I’ve but a few words. The first, ‘this is an Extraordinary read.’ Second, its words, its imagery(ies) hold(s) some ‘Influence’ that I can’t find the appropriate words to describe. Finally, mirroring the first, ‘this is an Extraordinary read.’
I rate FIVE of FIVE.
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If you'd like to express Yourself ...please call 1-800-WHATEVER (lol)
No boulder, hilltop or rocky mound,
only howling wind and screams of fear
interrupt the dying sound.
Whoa! Now that IS dark. Very bleak images, makes me feel sort of cold just reading it. Second stanza is definitely the best, but great images all around. Excellent.
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Your battles inspired me - not the obvious material battles
but those that were fought and won behind your forehead.
Oh this was haunting. I could hear the 'dying sound' echoing in my bones...it just struck me through and through. This is so dark - but so well written. You've achieved the right affect for such a dark piece. Nice work!
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Do not overlook the obvious solution...
Re: The Dying Sound
Linear Mode
