Sleeping Uneasily

[Perscription]

For the sake of a few laughs
I gave up what you thought of me.
I'd say you lay in bed these days,
Sleeping uneasily,
Waking,
You're realising
That it's hard to be proud of me now
Yes, so hard to be proud of me now.

You both agree that I've
Slipped up for the last time
That seems fair enough to me,
Because sleeping uneasily,
Waking,
I'm realising
That it must be hard to be proud of me now
Yeah, must be hard to be proud of me now

[SeaN]

Very nice work bud! Parents?

I really like the final line (of both stanzas)- the way that the sounds compliment each other so well make it roll off the tongue.

Fine work. One small suggestion I might make in the second stanza is to remove the first And (or the second for that matter). I stumbled slightly on the third line of the second stanza, because there is a shift in meter there as in :

And you both agree that I've
Slipped up for the last time
And that seems fair e-nough to me,

Apart from that- I like it. Short but very expressive.

[Vail]

Yeah the repetition of the last two lines in both stanzas definitely complimented the piece well. Umm, Sean's comments about corrections are on point, nothing that I really noticed outside of that. Umm.. actually upon another reread I would say 'lay' instead of 'lie' As it could be past tense, and the present tense kinda seems to screw things up. I would rock the 'lay' for sure.

Also in the sixth line, instead of starting the stanza with 'And' I would suggest you change it to 'You're', or just drop the word 'And' altogether.

All-in-all pretty good work, some of the better stuff I've seen from you, apart from a few corrections this piece is well-written and a great addition to the site. Thanks for sharing.

[Venus]

Wow. This is bloody fantastic. I absolutely fucking love this! I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to cuss here, but it's wonderful. The rhythm is perfectly timed and could easily be used in like a performance piece..oh it's just wonderful. I'm sorry. great job!

[Perscription]

Thanks for all your comments and tips, have made some changes, hope it reads better. Cheers guys

[Venomous Vixen]

I love the emotion caught in such a simple form. I have to agree, the repitition works oh so well here, especially between the two stanzas. I think this one also hits home with me which adds to me liking it so much. Hopefully you realize all that matters is if you are proud of you... Very nicely portrayed!

[Phonoho]

Indeed, two very nicely structured octaves (8 lines of verse) do a great job of framing both closing couplets. Structure is fairly clean and well devised.
I use a tape measure on a daily basis and I suppose that's why I am particularly fond of measured structures and rhythmicly identifiable pieces. Easily, a structure that may just warrant a name, if refined. Impressive, Perscript'.

[Lubesh]

I love how these bounce off each other couple with the aforementioned package, which to me distinguishes it. Great litle piece.

Interesting structure. Content lacked a little, a bit too self pitying: "look im depressed" kinda vibe, "im feeling sorry for myself" etc. Good structure though. Original, could be clenaed up and work again in future.