Life In Rent

[Vince]

The screams in my head
are not goin' to stop
until I take the med
and abandon all hope

Keep your windows shut
and close your eyes
you know I'm so sad
that a part of me dies

Going nowhere
with nowhere to go
Sleeping anywhere
and yourself's your foe

Locked up in a place
with no keyhole on door
you know you've lost the race
and you're goin' to lose more

They told you not to talk
and you replied "no''
you forgot how to walk
and you sink into your woe

They said you were sick
a fall with no end
they called you weak
your life in rent

You replied you were ok
"You can't judge me!"
you said in your way
and drove to the bar

Nobody's coming around
and couldn't care less
I end up lost and found
and lost in this mess

My friend is here
away with the dreams
his name is fear
an aeon it seems

You dream of outside
and you hope it's a lie
you fight yourself
and the result's a tie

Author's note: The switch between first and second person is intentional.

[Derik]

I like the rhyme scheme in it, it has a nice beat to it, so to say. Excellent vissuals, and i can feel the emotions coming out of your poem. Very nice.

[Peppy]

Very nice. You seemed to hit a bull's eye with this piece. I'm reminded me of my mood, internal and external, and the songs "Everything for Free" and "I'm Not An Addict" by K's Choice. This grinds deep into the human psyche--unfolds in the right places.

Nice piece, Vince.

=-=

[psycosis]

excellent peice......this one hits me square in the jaw........love the rhyme scheme it flows very nicely

[Vail]

I just want you to know, for the most part, I like the poem. However, the rhyme scheme in it is the major problem. Yes, it helps with flow, that's fine, I understand it is a tool to be used in poetry for just that purpose. However, you have no standardized format for it's use. Some stanza's are ABAC, ABAB, and ABCB, with no pattern as to where or why. So, you've used end-rhymes throughout where you felt like it or where you didn't.

Word selection also was forced in some areas because you were looking for 'flow'. I think you leaned a little heavily on the rhyme-crutch in this piece, which is exactly why I hate rhymes.

The other thing driving me nuts about this, is your use of sentence connectors throughout. It's a completely useless extra syllable at the beginning of each line you start them with. The word you overuse in this fashion is and. I used to be guilty of this myself, and it was pointed out to me. If you are anything like me, you'll probably read this and heed it little. That's fine, but just know, dropping that connector, and avoiding them as the first word in a line in formatted poetry, will go a long way to improving your writing style.

I know this review seems kind of harsh, for that I apologize, overall you have a great message here. I think that once you break the bounds of formatted poetry, your writing will improve greatly. I suggest giving it a shot with the general theme you have painted in this piece.

At the end of the day however, just write for yourself. If you like it, and it was really written just for you, then don't listen to me or anyone else. If you're writing for ego inflation, start writing better.

[psycosis]

I disagree Vail......you may not appreciate the scheme and flow but I think it was pulled off very well.......However, I see where you are coming from and it is a personal opinion to not care for such a scheme but from someone that likes it I give kudos on a well written piece........You are right though, any of us writing to get an ego boost have to write much better but that is not always the goal