[Rain]

Plainly put,
in words bitterly spoken --
a heartbreak tale
of pride that was stolen.

Tears stream down his cheeks,
it’s getting harder to breathe.
Definition of depression
has now begun its session.

In only a few moments,
life comes crashing before his feet,
witnessing the true feeling of defeat,
losing the one thing that made him complete.

Humiliated and secluded,
confused and deluded,
a place unknown,
a place unlike his home,
a place where he’s alone.

Nowhere left to hide,
nobody left to confide,
it’s all buried deep inside.

Truly on the point of breaking.

[Rain]

Thanks for puttin' this one up Phonoho.

[Phonoho]

Well, from this piece you seem like a guy who could use a break. It's a tough world out there.

[Rain]

Yeah, a break would be nice. =/

[RENA HANDS]

What about…

Plainly put,
in words bitterly spoken—
a heartbroken tale
of stolen pride.

Tears stream(ed) down his cheeks,
every breath harder to keep. OR
a single breath harder to catch.

In a blink of any eye
life crashed to his feet
he’s a witness to defeat,
lost all that made him complete.

Humiliated, secluded,
confused and deluded;
a place of uncertaintiy,
this is not home.

Abandoned, he’s truly alone.
Nowhere to hide,
no one to confide
all is buried deep inside. (LOVE THIS SENTENCE/IDEA BTW!)

Again, all this came to me after a fourth and sixth read. I am not, ever certain of proper punctuation or verb execution. But do you see my point? The imagery/emotions are there…just lacking (for me personally). Of course the same could and has been said the same of my own work. Thank god for evolution of writing and or learning while writing.

[Rain]

Ok thanks for reading.

[Nupur]

Taytay! It's always a pleasure to read something from you. I've seen your work right from the beginning and your progress has been phenomenal. Coming to this one, I like it.

Just a few suggestions:

it’s getting harder to breath.

I guess it should be 'breathe' and not 'breath'.

The flow was good throughout, but there were a couple of lines on which I faltered.

his life comes crashing before his feet,
witnessing the true feeling of defeat,
losing the one thing that made him complete.

I guess the disrupted flow was because of the length. I rather like Rena's suggestion here. You could merge it with your lines and create something better.

Overall, I like it. Specially like the last line. It's powerful and sums up the entire thing very well. Good work, Tay!

[Vail]

This is pretty good bro, tells a good story. Your rhyme-scheme is all over the place though. I know that it makes a write flow easier.. but still, some of your word choices were forced due to this constraint you put on the poem. Umm.. I liked the idea you had going in your first three stanzas.. rotating the rhyming portion around, but in the third stanza, your last three lines all rhymed. To stick with your randomness, I would find a different ending for you last line, that way you still have captured the, "I wanna rhyme, so I'm going to..." attitude, but it will have the flair of intelligence that you yourself put into the piece. Also on that third line, feet and defeat... yes they rhyme, but it's a slight over use of the 'feet'. Possibly consider changing that as well.

Fourth stanza.. everything is pretty good there, would take out the word his, your flow completes itself a little more efficiently without that word, and it's unnecessary as you point out the third-person persona in the last line of the stanza. Still, probably my favorite stanza of the poem.

Fifth stanza... I forget who told me this, but it was a long time ago, and not sure if it was on this site or what, but starting lines with connector words, (i.e. and, but, to, etc) is really unnecessary, it adds a syllable in there that's not needed, and a lot of times the poem looks a little cleaner without them, would consider dropping the 'and' in your second and third line, everything else, very clean.

Your last line, great finisher, I love that you put it by itself, gives it more strength as an ender... very well done. Umm.. not a huge fan of bold font, but that is merely asthetic and I'm a snob.. so.. meh.. whateva... Still good stuff here bro.. I understand if you don't make any of the suggestions I've given you, sometimes people give me suggestions and I don't make them.. it's a pride issue and an originality issue.. so whatever you do, just be happy with the end-result of the piece, whatever that may be. Thanks for sharing.





Ummm

[Rain]

Hey Nup, I fixed "breathe" thanks for pointing that out.

Hey Vail, I took a few of your suggestions, took out some "and"s. And took out "his" in the 3rd stanza second line. Thanks, I appreciate it.