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10-09-2008, 04:02 AM
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Trouble
Troubled waters, troubled tides,
masked behind your troubled mind- In the wake of the waves, your lies surmise the passing foam, they pop, bubble and hiss, spit against the shore, as trouble wades against the ocean floor. Troubled waters, troubled tides, masked inside your troubled mind- In an undertow of regret, your life drowns in the crash, it’s washed, tossed and lost, spit against the shore, as trouble wades along the ocean floor. Troubled waters, troubled tides, masks confine your troubled mind- In the depths of the sea, your world swirls the what ifs, they haunt, flaunt and taunt, spit against the shore, as trouble wades your mind evermore.
__________________
"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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10-09-2008, 04:55 AM
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Re: Trouble
Hey Bri, I really enjoyed it. I liked how you did this, and the flow was perfect throughout... the subtle changed through stanzas were really cool. Awesome poem Bri
__________________
Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all these left over feelings of you... Cause I don't know. And tell me how I'm supposed to feel when all these nightmares become real... Cause I don't know. Last edited by Rain; 03-12-2008 at 04:41 AM.
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11-09-2008, 02:16 AM
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Re: Trouble
Thanks very much, Tay. This was written for a very dear friend.
__________________
"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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13-09-2008, 06:18 AM
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Re: Trouble
Hmmm. Interesting - almost a contradiction. The theme is turmoil, yet the tone is very calming and soothing, as are the words. Lots of onomatopoeia - sound devices - and metaphors, and wonderful imagery. The water metaphor is telling and effective, and the wonderful internal rhyme - "haunt, taunt, and flaunt" was especially good. Nicely done.
__________________
...a sucker for beautiful, soulful eyes
Last edited by Vorcla; 13-09-2008 at 09:59 AM.
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13-09-2008, 08:14 AM
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Re: Trouble
It speaks to me. I fully agree with Rick. I got a sense of turmoil as well, but lying beneath, in the rythym of the piece, something tranquil if that makes sense. Maybe smoother waters to come? Nicely done, Bri.
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13-09-2008, 12:04 PM
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Re: Trouble
If not for the repetition, this reminded me of someone else's style, someone, perhaps, you know well, or at least better than I, as if you were influenced by his particular and highly unique style and voice. I can see this paired with another set of sextains, building on the oceanic metaphors, perhaps highlighting the Moon and it's unique influences. Very nice.
__________________
 “It was the secrets of heaven and earth that I desired to learn”
Victor Frankenstein
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22-11-2008, 03:08 AM
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Re: Trouble
Thank you all very much. I have not looked at this much since I posted, but I just got a kick of reading it aloud.
__________________
"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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22-11-2008, 03:51 AM
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Re: Trouble
I agree re the kick....amazing chant...and beauitful write.....
__________________
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22-11-2008, 04:12 AM
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Re: Trouble
Ah, yes - I remeber again how much I loved this.
__________________
...a sucker for beautiful, soulful eyes
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03-12-2008, 04:41 AM
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Re: Trouble
Quote:
__________________
Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all these left over feelings of you... Cause I don't know. And tell me how I'm supposed to feel when all these nightmares become real... Cause I don't know.
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03-12-2008, 05:04 AM
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Re: Trouble
Thanks Lu, and Rick and Tay again
__________________
"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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