[Peppy]

I’m falling into pieces,
Harbouring all of my dreams,
How could I’ve known I’d feel like dying?
How could I’ve known I’d feel like crying?
Here I go again,
You’ll spin our heads and pretend,
I’m falling on hands and knees,
Over-weighed by my fleeing dreams,
How could I’ve known I’d feel like dying?
How could I’ve known I’d feel like crying?

Please, I’d like to go to sleep,
There’s no reason to see what I don’t want to see,
There’s no reason to collapse from my own fatigue,
Please, just bring me back my dreams.

[Rakkasan]

Now this is Peppy writing!

This one really grabs me for some reason. I'm not sure why... It fights against so much that I like to see in writing, and yet... Nope, I can't figure it out. I just really like it.

In lines 3, 4, 9, and 10, it seems like "could" would work better than "should", but then line 5 is altogether unorthodox also, so... it is what it is.

Did I mention that I really like this one? Golly, I wish I could sort out why in my head. I like to have logical reasoning behind my motivations. I'm not one for "ooh, I feel this or that, so go with it" all too often.

Strange title though...

[Peppy]

I was thinking about Joker when I typed down the title. He had to begin somewhere, right? Plus I was experimenting with this piece. Oh yeah, I'm assuming you're editting this, so it's your call where you want to put it. Hmmmmmm...

Thanks for liking it .

[Rakkasan]

Originally Posted by Peppy

I was thinking about Joker when I typed down the title.

Interesting...

[Rain]

Hey Peppy, this was awesome, your lines captivating, and really caught me at points. The lines "How could I’ve known I’d feel like dying?" "How could I’ve known I’d feel like crying?" I didn't enjoy too much, but you made up for it with some that were absolutely brilliant :

"I’m falling on hands and knees,
Over-weighed by my fleeing dreams"

And as well the last stanza, that one was nearly perfect in my eyes. Great job man.

[Lubesh]

Here I go again,
You’ll spin our heads and pretend,
I’m falling on hands and knees,
Over-weighed by my fleeing dreams

forme it was the conundrum, quirky factor and jsut sheer flow ur lines were totally complimentary and simplea nd yet not in parts....well done peppy, but u being werid like me helpslol

[Peppy]

Thanks Rain and Lu. I'm from the 90's generation, so I guess my lyric-type poem relfects that - it makes no sense but makes sense. Get it?

Me? Weird? No, just different .

[Lubesh]

Well yes its jsut that I try to avoid 'special' lol

[Jimbalaya]

I'm not sure what to make of this one. I kind of get the feeling that somone was screwed over by somone else, maybe in a relationship.

I agree with Rain on these lines:

How could I’ve known I’d feel like dying?
How could I’ve known I’d feel like crying?

They seem a little off to me. The rest of the peom is in present tense? And then here you switch to past tense. Seems like it would work better and stay with the format if you rewrote it, something like: How could I know I'd feel like dying? How could I know I'd feel like crying? I dunno. It was interesting and would require some thought on my part to fully grasp what's going on with it, but for the most part I liked it, the flow was fine except in those two lines where I feel it was inturrupted a bit. Nice work.

[Peppy]

I'll think about that. Right now my eyes are swelling in my sockets. It's making me stop thinking?!?

Maybe my personal expert will give me points, if I visit her that is.

[Rakkasan]

I think that the reason it sounds off on the flow is because Pep opted to use double contractions. I thought it would have sounded better as "How could I have known..."

I nearly pushed this issue; but, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was a dialect being forced in the way it was written. It caused me to "hear" it from the "street voice" of the character, and sounded very good.

In having what I believe to be a decent understanding of the poem, I find it perfectly appropriate to use the present and past tenses as they were. It manipulates the underlying context that would otherwise be greatly obscured, or even lost. Not to mention (okay, I know I'm mentioning it ) the negative impact it would have on that "street voice".

It grated me at first, but then, as I thought more about what was being written, I began to like it. Even now, as I read it again, I like it a bit more than I did before. I'm getting close to figuring out why, but still a little foggy. The title is still a hang-up for me - so I don't focus on it.

[Blink]

Those lines... I don't think it's a big deal if they stay or go or change or whatever, they stuck out, which was good and bad, I can see where somebody would say they didn't enjoy it, and they did, for me I saw it as a sign of extreme desperation, SO, either way I think it's fine. I liked the poem very much, especially the second and final stanza, especially the middle two lines:

"There’s no reason to see what I don’t want to see,
There’s no reason to collapse from my own fatigue"

That seemed to be like those other two lines that people were mentioning, except a lot better. Just because it started the same in each. I enjoyed it Peppy.

[Maylar]

Advice for those who can't stand long posts: leave here, while you can.

How could I’ve known I’d feel like dying?
How could I’ve known I’d feel like crying?

I felt those lines as a quick escape in past...
From a moment in present time, character realizes he's feeling regret over his actions and it is painful...then he remembers, that in the past he didn't realized or didn't believed his future deeds will make him sad or he'll regret...now, when he did what he did (whatever he did) he remembers the past and former self, finding yet another excuse ("How could I’ve known") and wishing he can feel the way he felt then: sure he's strong in emotionless.
In fact, he doesn't realizes he remains selfish and regretless still...he's sorry only for himself, really, not for what he done. It hurt him, but he’s suffering because he felt hurt, not because he’s sorry.
It reminds me on a murderer, remembering his youth, saying: "Ah, I was young and innocent then and known nothing of ways of the world and that it would be painful to kill all those people...I miss those times." But he still doesn’t feel sad for his victims or their suffering.
In that form, I found this great, even entire structure I just described is maybe just in my head...
Peppy, I don't know if you really wanted this to be understood this way and if I misunderstood it, sorry.
Instead, I can say something else...in time I formed a habit, when it comes to your work...I don't know how this would suit you, but I read your poems as poetic stories, and enjoy them in that way.
For me, this was twisted and frustrated and in a way (from eyes of the character), very painful poem...with a vision of Joker you offered, it becomes even more complex...
I can't say I love it (even I do, in a dark way), but I painfully enjoyed it very, very much and thank you for it.

[Peppy]

Those two lines are controversial. I'm kind of glad and not glad. Hahaha. I love it though.

@Rakkasan - Well said, well said. If I said something to defend myself, it wouldn't have come out as good as your response.

@Blink - Thanks for the honest response. Glad you said it was good and bad.

@Maylar - Ahhh. Now that's a comment I think I can sink my teeth in. If you interpretted, then it can't be wrong. That's what I love about poems - it could go both ways, sometimes.