[dearest]

Say it: I’m tired
So tired that my transparent bones
Can’t take the weight of one more conversation
I have a stomachache and
I’m sad all the time
And gravity is heavier for me,
Everything is tilted to the side
I know how this is
How you get from time to time
But you can’t expect me to read your mind

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head
Because I see your eyes are red
And I promise not to be scared away
By the invisible thing that torments you
Just tell me what there is to say

Your eyes are black, they're not your own
They’re closed and deep
So very deep
That I go in two feet
And can’t see my hand in front of my face
Hand on your face
Shoulder in the corner
You look at me
Like you’re ashamed

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head
Because I see your eyes are red
I promise it’s not such a sin
So open your mouth
And let me in

[RENA HANDS]

Yes, I’m the first to comment. So is this the co-write with Vorcla? Perhaps not, still I await that collaborative posting.

And I promise not to be scared away (A lovely sentiment)

But for me I think the ‘and’ is not warranted. Just be straightforward as the remaining and previous write above...

Because I see your eyes are red
I promise not be scared away

If this alters a numbering sequence or an internal rhythm that I’m not aware of, then disregard my inquiry.

Brilliant is boring, Fabulous is too little so what’s there? ASTONISHING is a word closer. And of course there are others, but I’m too limited in my commenting vocabulary. So please accept Exceptionally Magnificent to the imagery illustrated and emotions conveyed in such a compact form.

A rating too 5 of 5...lol

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by dearest;

So open your mouth
And let me in

Communication...

Originally Posted by dearest;

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head

...and if this isn't Desperation, I don't know what is.

You stretched out with this one and took a chance, Tricia. You are masterful with "Love and Romance" and "Heartbreak and Sorrow," but I haven't seen you try too many "Depression and Despairs."

No need to worry. This is "damned fine."

You amaze me. I watch you work when we co-write and I get chills when I see the way you can distill emotion down to its bare essence. I think this is why your poetry is so accessible; everyone can identify with it. "Yeah - I've felt that!" I think it's your strongest point. You've captured the mindset of both the person who's falling apart and the desperate young lady who's trying to help him (her?).

Originally Posted by dearest;

And can’t see my hand in front of my face
Hand on your face

Clever wordplay - one of your trademarks, too.

This isn't as pretty as some of your Love/Romance efforts - and that's meant as a compliment. This wouldn't work if it was decorated with beautiful language. In place of that, though, you have almost nonchalantly captured the emotional nuances of the piece. You are so, so good at that; you make it look so easy. Very few people do it as well as you do.

This is another demonstration of why you're one of my poetry heroes here, and why I am pleased and honored to work with you. I echo RENA: 5/5.

[dearest]

Thank you for commenting guys!

Rena - Nope, this is not the long awaited cowrite, just a little side project from me. ^_^ I think you're right about that 'and'; I'll fix that just as soon as my schedule calms down a little. Gotta fix up my literary analysis tonight, so I'll get to it later this weekend. And thanks for the rating, I love it! ^_^

Rick - You're right, it's not as pretty-pretty as my usual stuff, and you're right about the reasoning behind that. I have a friend that gets depressed a lot, takes medication, goes to a therapist, the whole bit, but it doesn't seem to help. He was like that this week and this poem was born from my frustration. A lot of my poetry is a channel to deal with whatever's going on in my life (not all. I have never, for instance, robbed a bank. ^_^), and I guess that's why the emotion seems real. Because it is. Anyway, I'm glad that it speaks to you on some level, and very glad that you enjoyed it.

Again, thanks a million to both of you. I love hearing from you.

[Eadha Deora]

WOW ... I really really like this! Esp the first stanza which put into words how I feel sometimes lol, and yet you have said it perfectly. And innovatively. Nothing hackneyed or over-used. Very fresh ... and the state of the two characters was clear but also suggested far more than was said with words. Yeah! I am going to give you a rep for this!

[dearest]

Thanks very much. Depression is such a serious subject, so I tried to stay away from anything cliche, hopefully giving a glimpse of what it's like on both ends, the depressed and the people that love them, to have this struggle. Glad it achieved that for you.

[Eadha Deora]

Yes I agree. When things get trite, people don't listen quite as closely. Often it takes something fresh, shocking or just plain odd to get their attention!