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Yes, I’m the first to comment. So is this the co-write with Vorcla? Perhaps not, still I await that collaborative posting.
And I promise not to be scared away (A lovely sentiment) But for me I think the ‘and’ is not warranted. Just be straightforward as the remaining and previous write above... Quote:
Brilliant is boring, Fabulous is too little so what’s there? ASTONISHING is a word closer. And of course there are others, but I’m too limited in my commenting vocabulary. So please accept Exceptionally Magnificent to the imagery illustrated and emotions conveyed in such a compact form. A rating too 5 of 5...lol
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Right, I'll keep to the present but just take a glance at the past. Damn, is this poetry?
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Re: Communication, Desperation
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You stretched out with this one and took a chance, Tricia. You are masterful with "Love and Romance" and "Heartbreak and Sorrow," but I haven't seen you try too many "Depression and Despairs." No need to worry. This is "damned fine." You amaze me. I watch you work when we co-write and I get chills when I see the way you can distill emotion down to its bare essence. I think this is why your poetry is so accessible; everyone can identify with it. "Yeah - I've felt that!" I think it's your strongest point. You've captured the mindset of both the person who's falling apart and the desperate young lady who's trying to help him (her?). Quote:
This isn't as pretty as some of your Love/Romance efforts - and that's meant as a compliment. This wouldn't work if it was decorated with beautiful language. In place of that, though, you have almost nonchalantly captured the emotional nuances of the piece. You are so, so good at that; you make it look so easy. Very few people do it as well as you do. This is another demonstration of why you're one of my poetry heroes here, and why I am pleased and honored to work with you. I echo RENA: 5/5.
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Where you been lately? There's a New Kid in Town. Everybody loves him, don't they? Now he's holding her, and you're still around, Oh, my, my - There's a New Kid in Town. ~ Eagles ~
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Re: Communication, Desperation
Thank you for commenting guys!
Rena - Nope, this is not the long awaited cowrite, just a little side project from me. ^_^ I think you're right about that 'and'; I'll fix that just as soon as my schedule calms down a little. Gotta fix up my literary analysis tonight, so I'll get to it later this weekend. And thanks for the rating, I love it! ^_^ Rick - You're right, it's not as pretty-pretty as my usual stuff, and you're right about the reasoning behind that. I have a friend that gets depressed a lot, takes medication, goes to a therapist, the whole bit, but it doesn't seem to help. He was like that this week and this poem was born from my frustration. A lot of my poetry is a channel to deal with whatever's going on in my life (not all. I have never, for instance, robbed a bank. ^_^), and I guess that's why the emotion seems real. Because it is. Anyway, I'm glad that it speaks to you on some level, and very glad that you enjoyed it. Again, thanks a million to both of you. I love hearing from you.
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The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on. -Carl Sandburg |
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Re: Communication, Desperation
WOW ... I really really like this! Esp the first stanza which put into words how I feel sometimes lol, and yet you have said it perfectly. And innovatively. Nothing hackneyed or over-used. Very fresh ... and the state of the two characters was clear but also suggested far more than was said with words. Yeah! I am going to give you a rep for this!
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Re: Communication, Desperation
Thanks very much.
Depression is such a serious subject, so I tried to stay away from anything cliche, hopefully giving a glimpse of what it's like on both ends, the depressed and the people that love them, to have this struggle. Glad it achieved that for you.
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The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on. -Carl Sandburg |
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Re: [PICK] Communication, Desperation
I'm surprised this one passed me by. I'll agree with the people above but I wanted to say some of the things I liked most.
The repetition in the second and the last stanza, I thought it worked perfectly for you here, Tricia. The title was perfect for the poem, it really suited it perfectly without giving too much away. And my favorite part consisted of four little words Shoulder in the corner That part, right in the middle of a great two lines. The whole thing was good. Beautiful writing.
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My momma said life is like a box of chocolates... |
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Re: [PICK] Communication, Desperation
Ok, I’m going to confess. I stalk you, Tricia. But you can’t blame me; your work is too damn good. I really like the soft, musical quality this one has... enhanced by the repetition and the subtle rhymes and assonance. The theme is great, something I'm sure everyone can identify with because no one's life is a bed of roses. Rick stole the words right out of my mouth. Your writing is something everyone can like and appreciate because inspite of being very beautiful, it does not intimidate the reader... they identify with the situation you portray. It's like watching your own life and its problems being played out in lovely, rhythmic and flowing language.
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Say it: I’m tired So tired that my transparent bones can’t take the weight of one more conversation To me, this one looks slightly better. This is totally upto you though. I like the entire thing anyway. Quote:
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The rhyme is nice aand I like the small bit of repetition you have in the first line. Like Rick said, if this isn't desperation, I don't know what is. Quote:
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I have no complaints with this one except the selective caps thing that I already mentioned. You can use it in a variety of places to enhance the effect you have on the reader. But like I said, I love it already. |
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Re: [PICK] Communication, Desperation
Flattered, not creeped. I love your work too, so it's doubley nice. ^_^ Thanks for such a thorough comment, as always. As for your main points to fix...yeaahhh, punctuaion and I don't get along well. I always get caught up in the words and forget about it. ^_^ Your suggestions for selective capitalization are great, too. Another thing I always forget. Word just capitalizes everything for me, and I forget to go change things. Will do when I get a free moment. Again, THANK YOU very much for commenting.
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The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on. -Carl Sandburg |
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