[PICK] Communication, Desperation

[dearest]

Say it: I’m tired
So tired that my transparent bones
Can’t take the weight of one more conversation
I have a stomachache and
I’m sad all the time
And gravity is heavier for me,
Everything is tilted to the side
I know how this is
How you get from time to time
But you can’t expect me to read your mind

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head
Because I see your eyes are red
And I promise not to be scared away
By the invisible thing that torments you
Just tell me what there is to say

Your eyes are black, they're not your own
They’re closed and deep
So very deep
That I go in two feet
And can’t see my hand in front of my face
Hand on your face
Shoulder in the corner
You look at me
Like you’re ashamed

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head
Because I see your eyes are red
I promise it’s not such a sin
So open your mouth
And let me in

[dorian hanes]

Yes, I’m the first to comment. So is this the co-write with Vorcla? Perhaps not, still I await that collaborative posting.

And I promise not to be scared away (A lovely sentiment)

But for me I think the ‘and’ is not warranted. Just be straightforward as the remaining and previous write above...

Because I see your eyes are red
I promise not be scared away

If this alters a numbering sequence or an internal rhythm that I’m not aware of, then disregard my inquiry.

Brilliant is boring, Fabulous is too little so what’s there? ASTONISHING is a word closer. And of course there are others, but I’m too limited in my commenting vocabulary. So please accept Exceptionally Magnificent to the imagery illustrated and emotions conveyed in such a compact form.

A rating too 5 of 5...lol

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by dearest;

So open your mouth
And let me in

Communication...

Originally Posted by dearest;

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head

...and if this isn't Desperation, I don't know what is.

You stretched out with this one and took a chance, Tricia. You are masterful with "Love and Romance" and "Heartbreak and Sorrow," but I haven't seen you try too many "Depression and Despairs."

No need to worry. This is "damned fine."

You amaze me. I watch you work when we co-write and I get chills when I see the way you can distill emotion down to its bare essence. I think this is why your poetry is so accessible; everyone can identify with it. "Yeah - I've felt that!" I think it's your strongest point. You've captured the mindset of both the person who's falling apart and the desperate young lady who's trying to help him (her?).

Originally Posted by dearest;

And can’t see my hand in front of my face
Hand on your face

Clever wordplay - one of your trademarks, too.

This isn't as pretty as some of your Love/Romance efforts - and that's meant as a compliment. This wouldn't work if it was decorated with beautiful language. In place of that, though, you have almost nonchalantly captured the emotional nuances of the piece. You are so, so good at that; you make it look so easy. Very few people do it as well as you do.

This is another demonstration of why you're one of my poetry heroes here, and why I am pleased and honored to work with you. I echo RENA: 5/5.

[dearest]

Thank you for commenting guys!

Rena - Nope, this is not the long awaited cowrite, just a little side project from me. ^_^ I think you're right about that 'and'; I'll fix that just as soon as my schedule calms down a little. Gotta fix up my literary analysis tonight, so I'll get to it later this weekend. And thanks for the rating, I love it! ^_^

Rick - You're right, it's not as pretty-pretty as my usual stuff, and you're right about the reasoning behind that. I have a friend that gets depressed a lot, takes medication, goes to a therapist, the whole bit, but it doesn't seem to help. He was like that this week and this poem was born from my frustration. A lot of my poetry is a channel to deal with whatever's going on in my life (not all. I have never, for instance, robbed a bank. ^_^), and I guess that's why the emotion seems real. Because it is. Anyway, I'm glad that it speaks to you on some level, and very glad that you enjoyed it.

Again, thanks a million to both of you. I love hearing from you.

[Eadha Deora]

WOW ... I really really like this! Esp the first stanza which put into words how I feel sometimes lol, and yet you have said it perfectly. And innovatively. Nothing hackneyed or over-used. Very fresh ... and the state of the two characters was clear but also suggested far more than was said with words. Yeah! I am going to give you a rep for this!

[dearest]

Thanks very much. Depression is such a serious subject, so I tried to stay away from anything cliche, hopefully giving a glimpse of what it's like on both ends, the depressed and the people that love them, to have this struggle. Glad it achieved that for you.

[Eadha Deora]

Yes I agree. When things get trite, people don't listen quite as closely. Often it takes something fresh, shocking or just plain odd to get their attention!

[Tay M.]

I'm surprised this one passed me by. I'll agree with the people above but I wanted to say some of the things I liked most.

The repetition in the second and the last stanza, I thought it worked perfectly for you here, Tricia. The title was perfect for the poem, it really suited it perfectly without giving too much away. And my favorite part consisted of four little words

Shoulder in the corner

That part, right in the middle of a great two lines. The whole thing was good. Beautiful writing.

[dearest]

Thanks a million for reading, tay. I'd forgotten about this one too. ^_^

[Nupur]

Ok, I’m going to confess. I stalk you, Tricia. But you can’t blame me; your work is too damn good. I really like the soft, musical quality this one has... enhanced by the repetition and the subtle rhymes and assonance. The theme is great, something I'm sure everyone can identify with because no one's life is a bed of roses. Rick stole the words right out of my mouth. Your writing is something everyone can like and appreciate because inspite of being very beautiful, it does not intimidate the reader... they identify with the situation you portray. It's like watching your own life and its problems being played out in lovely, rhythmic and flowing language.

Say it: I’m tired
So tired that my transparent bones
Can’t take the weight of one more conversation

Fantastic beginning... definitely good enough to draw in a reader. 'Transparent bones' is very nice. Something new and well, I surelike it. The entire sentiment is very well expressed. Just a little thingy here... how about selective capitalization all through the poem? I see you don't use much punctuation, but selective capitalization will make your work look better by providing pauses of appropriate length in the stated places. Like here:


Say it: I’m tired
So tired that my transparent bones
can’t take the weight of one more conversation


To me, this one looks slightly better. This is totally upto you though. I like the entire thing anyway.

And gravity is heavier for me,

Nice line. I like the meaning and effect his one has here.

I know how this is
How you get from time to time
But you can’t expect me to read your mind

The importance of communication. Very well played out. I like the simplicity of your language. Another little thing I like about this is that when you read it out to someone who is depressed, the last line here (But you can’t expect me to read your mind) will probably not sound rude at all. It has a caring, soft, melodious ring to it. I know I didn't make much sense here, but yeah, I like it. Lol.

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head
Because I see your eyes are red

These lines are good enough to be repeated and I see you have done exactly that. The rhyme is nice aand I like the small bit of repetition you have in the first line. Like Rick said, if this isn't desperation, I don't know what is.

And I promise not to be scared away
By the invisible thing that torments you
Just tell me what there is to say

You're giving him cconsolation here, more reason to know that you're going to understand and you really want him to share his problem with you. Perfect words to describe such a thing. 'invisible thing that torments you'...wow. I also really like the simple away/say rhyme you put in.

Your eyes are black, they're not your own
They’re closed and deep
So very deep
That I go in two feet

I like the thought conveyed in the first line. Eyes not being your own... the depressed guy is not himself anymore... nice. And I love the assonance in the last line and the one preceding it. deep/feet. Lovely, makes it so much more rhythmic.

And can’t see my hand in front of my face
Hand on your face
Shoulder in the corner
You look at me
Like you’re ashamed

Nice wordplay in the first two lines. And I like the part about looking ashamed. That's very observant.

Tell me, please, just tell me
What’s going on inside your head
Because I see your eyes are red
I promise it’s not such a sin
So open your mouth
And let me in

Ah, the repetition. Lovely! I truly like the repeated attempts at consoling the person and trying to convince him to divulge why exactly he is so depressed. 'I promise it's not such a sin' is the line that predominantly says that for me. And the last two lines... the essense of your poem... communication. Very very nice. I can see why exactly this is newsletter featured.

I have no complaints with this one except the selective caps thing that I already mentioned. You can use it in a variety of places to enhance the effect you have on the reader. But like I said, I love it already.

[dearest]

Flattered, not creeped. I love your work too, so it's doubley nice. ^_^ Thanks for such a thorough comment, as always. As for your main points to fix...yeaahhh, punctuaion and I don't get along well. I always get caught up in the words and forget about it. ^_^ Your suggestions for selective capitalization are great, too. Another thing I always forget. Word just capitalizes everything for me, and I forget to go change things. Will do when I get a free moment. Again, THANK YOU very much for commenting.

[Persephone]

um...I like it. idk what else to say, lol. your poems confuse and frighten me, I can't stand against their awesome-ness

[dearest]

hehe ^_^ thanks. Yay, I'm intimidating!