A Rare Moment of Unpleasant Clarity

[dearest]

I was ambushed by boredom one night,
walking unsteadily home
from a night at the bar.
I realized
that the cranberry leather
jacket in my hand
was not only
not mine
but that I had never owned
a leather jacket.
Three hours ago
I would have found this
hilariously funny,
but the joke
has fallen flat
against the grubby curb,
probably while giggling
and trying to recite
a Shakespearean sonnet
that it memorized in high school.
I hailed a cab,
and sat in the slightly
sticky backseat,
listening to some new R&B song
and sniffing the jacket,
which smells like
cider blackberry
and cigarettes.
I wished
that, just like in the movies,
I could swap bodies
with the owner of this jacket,
just by putting it on.
I take one of the cigarettes
from her jacket pocket.
I smoke it,
I pretend to be her.
I wish I were her.
At least it wouldn’t be
so damn boring.

[Vail]

I did like, for the most part, the poem. I liked that it had no real structure, and I liked that it wasn't "typical-dearest". You stepped outside of your own box, kind-of. I can still see you with your descriptions littered throughout. At first I was put off by the cranberry leather jacket, but it grew on me through a few reads, and it's kind of integrel, as just a leather jacket, usually conveys a black leather jacket to a reader. Meh, I'm getting off on tangents.

Originally Posted by dearest

probably while giggling
and trying to recite
a Shakespearean sonnet
that it memorized in high school.

I thought that you went a little far with the joke on that one. I'm not really certain where you wanted to take that, or why you took it past the grubby curb, but I felt it was a little more than was needed.

Your use of the word blackberry later on in the poem nagged at me, and still does. I guess because it bears such a close resemblence to cranberry which you used earlier, to me it's almost like using the same descriptor over. Which, it's not, but it does carry that connotation with it.

Originally Posted by dearest

I wished
that, just like in the movies,
I could swap bodies
with the owner of this jacket,
just by putting it on.
I take one of the cigarettes
from her jacket pocket.
I smoke it,
I pretend to be her.
I wish I were her.
At least it wouldn’t be
so damn boring.

That, however, was ridiculous. That's what made this a depression and despair piece. The rest of the poem, in comparison, almost seemed like filler leading up to the end. Yes, you set the stage in the beginning, you wander off a little in the center, and then, bam, you bring us back around to the jacket. Smacking us a little in the face with it's abruptness and honesty.

Meh, good poem, I think there is definitely a little work that could be done on it, but all-in-all good. Thanks for sharing.

[dearest]

Thanks for the comment, that was nearly positive. I'll take it. ^_^ And you're right, this was different for me, and it was really meant to be. When I first joined the site, I went through this period of experimentation, trying all different types of styles, topics, voices, because I didn't exactly know what MINE was yet. Eventually I found it, of course, and began to write the sort of 'dearest' poems that you mentioned. Which I like, but you know, I learned a lot during that experimentation, and I think I've still got more to learn. So this, like those early pieces, was an experiment in tone and voice. I'm not usually so gritty, so I tried it out, though I'm glad that you said that my voice was still distinguishable. Thank you, to me, that truly was a compliment.

Now, to address your concerns: I wondered about whether to name the color of the jacket, but in the end, I decided to leave it in. It grew on me, too. I didn't want the reader to just file away leather jacket and think, okay, black leather jacket. I wanted to throw in an unusual descriptor to draw particular attention to it, since it is important later. I wanted them to at least vaguely remember the detail until it becomes important, right at the end.

Which was the same reason that I used blackberry. If it sounds redundant, it's meant to. It flicks up one of those little memory cards, and the reader goes, oh, that sounds familiar. Jacket. Just trying to keep you remembering the jacket, without actually talking about it again.

As for the personification and the shakespeare, etc., yeah, I wondered about that too. It was a last minute edition because just grubby curb seemed too short, kind of chopped off. Maybe this is a little too long. But it needs something here...I'll keep playing around with it. Thanks for bringing that back to my attention.

And as for the ending, thank you, I liked it too. I'd like to think that, rather than being filler, the beginning is leading up to this final statement, setting the scene and tone, introducing the speaker's mindset. Tomato, tomahto. ^_^ But yes, that's the general idea. The end is the focus.

[Vail]

I would say, mostly positive.. like 60%

[Lubesh]

I am not sure re the dearest poems comes in but i saw the title on 'Whose Online' and hoped it be one of urs.was right lol. another amazing write and for free will, speech and imagination and writing, it was again, something.

[Vorcla]

I'm trying to imagine all 5'2" of you staggering home from a bar, Tricia. I'm failing. ^_^

I like the whole trip here, the details - sticky seats in the taxi (maybe don't want to ponder that one too much ^_^), the fact that the narrator walked away with someone else's jacket, the smell of the jacket, etc. All the little details that focus the reader on the experience. I can see a progression from beginning to end as your MC ruminates on her less-than-desirable state of mind. Mentioning the color of the jacket provides a visual descriptor to latch onto, and echoing the berry motif later (cider blackberry) kind of ties the beginning and end together. A wise move since it was a somewhat lengthy poem. Then at the end - WHAM! Swapping personalities as a cure for ennui. Nice touch. Edgy, yet you still manage to project a wistful tone throughout.

This was different for you and a stretch, too, I'd imagine. You did an excellent job with it.

[dearest]

Vail - I will definitely take 60%. Thank you.

Lu - Yay, thank you! It was something! ^_^ Glad you enjoyed it.

Rick - Ha, yeah, not an autobiography. Put together mostly from stories of people I know, family, friends, that sort of thing. It's not like I could do research, since I can't even get INTO a bar. ^_^

And it really was different for me, but I enjoyed it. Thanks for your comment!

[Vorcla]

Originally Posted by dearest;

Rick - Ha, yeah, not an autobiography. Put together mostly from stories of people I know, family, friends, that sort of thing. It's not like I could do research, since I can't even get INTO a bar. ^_^

Indeed. ^_^ I hadn't even thought of that little issue - your age. Convincing nonetheless.

[Persephone]

Its all about the ending!

The ending wrapped it up very nicely

[dearest]

Yup. ^_^ Yay! I was hoping people would get that, that it's all about the ending. It makes the beginning make sense. Major back pats!

[smokeytehmonstr]

I missed this one...how?! I'm glad I found it, because I really enjoyed it.

To be honest, I always know when a poem is yours. Maybe that comes from having edited your collection, but I think you have a very strong voice that almost always comes through--notable exceptions being some of your more experimental early pieces, like that one about the cuckoo clock. In my mind, your poetry is like water--it flows easily, but one never quite knows what route it's going to take when it hits the ground.

Um, that said, I actually liked the first line the best. Being ambushed by boredom is somewhat startling, but totally appropriate for the urban setting you describe--it actually makes the boredom seem more dangerous to me, which in turn made the ending so much more poignant. Well done.

[dearest]

well I know a compliment when I see one. I'll take it! ^_^ And say, thank you very much for the thoughts and the read. Both are mucho appreciated.