Silence builds up, lasting forever
Inside of me, memory neurons twitch
Slowly released, fabric of greed
Nothing makes sense, no one believes
Shaking, shuddering, violence held back
Racing, running, away from the past
Eyes unblinded, seeing untold truths
Negative emotions pervade within, through
I feel distracted, not lost, but found
Rescued by no one, only myself
The tow rope, the floaty, the life line cast out
I threw them and jumped, belief without doubt
Walls closing in, illusionary visions
Liquid distortion, tears from your eyes
Exhaling, unconfidence, your only best friend
Living in the mirror, but more so in your head
I have tasted your loss, and reveled in it
I have bested your best, and gloated about it
I have never lost to you, and sometimes I wish
I wasn't so arrogant, so right, so complete
Cocaine diaries, marijuana mysteries
Drugs polluting your body, only they feel right
Unreasonable dictions, restless behavior
I'm gone, only temporary, I'll be here tomorrow
Last edited by Dark Kitten; 21-11-2005 at 10:46 PM.
Good use of vocabulary and excellent flow and structure. The stanza:
Quote:
I have tasted your loss, and reveled in it
I have bested your best, and gloated about it
I have never lost to you, and sometimes I wish
I wasn't so arrogant, so right, so complete
though different than the others brings a lot to the poem because it stands out and says a lot.
Excellent work. I have enjoyed your contributions to storiesmania, keep it comming.
~DK
Thank you very much DK, your comments are greatly appreciated. That's probably one of my favorite stanzas I've written, ever. Most people overlook it, I'm glad you emphasized it. Thanks.
You're welcome, I can see why it would be a favourite, I have just read it again and it really is an excellent stanza. Beautifully crafted and intrical in this poem,though it could stand alone easily.
~DK
Ahh, I like it. I really had to get past the title and really just read the poem. Its an interestingly good poem in a way. I dont think it is that different actualy, I thought it was before I really read it but now that I do its good. Its poetry, I guess I was scared of it being some sort of beastly drug adiction poem or something. Forgive me for that.
I'm glad you like it, and of course I forgive you. The title is a bit deceiving.. but it still speaks volumes.. usually catches the readers eye. As always, thanks for posting on my poetry^^
A good piece is something thatcan derive many applications and interpretations, very clever and i love ur lavish words and u can tell u love to use them! great stuff.
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"Early one morning while making the rounds, I had a shot of cociane and I shot my woman down..." Johnny Cash did it much better! Actually, a good poem, admirably disorientated. However phrases like 'Negative emotions' need to be more specific. Nice turn of phrase thoughout, good.
"Shaking, shuddering, violence held back
Racing, running, away from the past
Eyes unblinded, seeing untold truths
Negative emotions pervade within, through"
I think just this stanza would have made a wonderful poem, but the whole thing is just amazing! Very powerful. Good job
Thank you very much Gigle. This is one of my better works I think.. lots of good stuff in this one^^ Thanks for your comments.
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I also made assumptions due to the title, I thought it was going to be a depressing monologue of self pity but thankfully it's not. It is a really interesting and well written poem. It seems like you put a lot of thought into each word used. Clever use of the words "mirror" and "twitch".
The title caught my eye. At first I thought it would be this cheap story, but when I read it, I really liked it. Clever use of words. I wish I could write poems like that!!
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I liked the impressions it gave me, on first reading I thought the form was a little a clumsy, but then on second reading I realise it makes perfect sense. Could almost be something from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Good work.
An insight into a druggies life? Are we speaking from experience here.....? I think this would be ideal as a teaching tool for High School students to learn about drugs.
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Don't be silly, this would teach kids nothing about drugs. And since most 'druggies' lives are vastly different it could be hardly called an insight. Possibly an insight into one particular experience.
I loved it - so strong, it makes me almost think I am high.
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Just wanted to say thanks to all the comments that came pouring in during my absence. They are much appreciated.
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Yikes, this one yanked me back to past feelings I had forgotten. Very well done.
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"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
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I'm abrasive, direct, and generally as helpful as I know how to be. If I cause you some offense, please let me know, and then do your best to get over it. Thanks.
The last line really got at me. I was once an addict a few years ago and went to drug rehab treatment. Before I was clean the last lines are very true to what I was like and how I treated people. Great poem.
Yikes, I just saw this one (or my shitty review rather) and I have to apologize for the abruptness of it. I think at the time this one really got to me and that was about all I could sputter out. OK, now for the review it deserves,...
Quote:
Inside of me, memory neurons twitch
Slowly released, fabric of greed
This is a nice smack of an opener... abstract yet exactly what happens when the drugs start working, brilliantly pulled of.
Quote:
Shaking, shuddering, violence held back
Racing, running, away from the past
Eyes unblinded, seeing untold truths
Negative emotions pervade within, through
and you do it again, you hold this parallel between the psyche and the physical form where you descriptors really could apply to either or and it is very interesting, probably my favorite aspect of the entire piece. Above you use "unblinded" and "untold" and somehow the word "unfold" kept popping into my head, perhaps the way an eyelid would to see the world. It is neat when selected words force another one into the reader's mind that fits perfectly and just reinforces the piece.
Quote:
I feel distracted, not lost, but found
Rescued by no one, only myself
The tow rope, the floaty, the life line cast out
I threw them and jumped, belief without doubt
No doubt you were proud of this bit, the whole image of the the jump and rescue all done by yourself. Again, very well done. You know I am not even put off by the rhyme in this one but I rather like it.
Quote:
Walls closing in, illusionary visions
Liquid distortion, tears from your eyes
Exhaling, unconfidence, your only best friend
Living in the mirror, but more so in your head
And this is the one that hits me... hard. The walls, the visions... perfectly describes what it feels like when you are in too deep, emotionally, or on your high, the paranoia begins to settle in and nothing seems real... and then you hit again with the "unconfidence" saying basically that is all you have left, well that and the mirror.... and then that last line. Ah, bad place to be yanked back to but hat's off for how eerily you capture it all.
Ah and the then you get cocky in the next stanza. It is really open to the reader on how to take this one... it could be literal, maybe drugs have never gotten the best of you... or it could read like an addict trying to convince himself he is OK, he's not hooked.
And the last, tied up in a tidy package. Especially the last line, killer. I can see why this one was a PICK, and why the hell have you not been writing lately, how I miss this stuff!
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"Money doesn't talk, it swears." -Bob Dylan
"Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise." -Alice Walker
"I don't know if I can live on my income or not - the government won't let me try it." -Bob Thaves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmyth
See I'm not worried at all. Bri would save the alcohol and her wolfman in the process.
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