Battle For A Ghost

[Venus]

I reached up to a sunless sky
huge dark clouds rapidly formed
torrents of rain began to fall
drenching me in pain
as I mourned

carried away by darkened fears
that gut-clutching panic feeling inside
helplessly feeling as if
I were bleeding from every pore
not wanting to face anything anymore

screaming to a God, so afraid
who may choose to turn away
there are no guarantee's
this cannot be true
it cannot be real

everything crumbling inside my heart
curling up in a fetal position
so torn apart I endlessly weep
fighting my desperation
so complete

I cannot eat
I cannot sleep
telling myself I have to be strong
as I crawl
without belief

with false strength
I stand up proud and tall
I raise my sword of valor
and know
I will fight for you

but then
when it is all said and done
what is the point
if you are gone
I cannot go on

if it is the end of the world
for you...
then it is the end of the world
for me...

[Venomous Vixen]

Venus, this is truly beautiful. I must say these lines hit me the most:

"everything crumbling inside my heart
curling up in a fetal position
so torn apart I endlessly weep
fighting my desperation
so complete"

Wonderful metephor for the shape the heart would take in the midst of such pain. Pleaseure to read

[Venus]

Thanks briness...I was finally able to pump something out...there's a few stanzas I felt were akward but it felt good jsut to be able to write again.

[Vail]

Not bad Venus, not bad. I think you should drop the little bit of rhyming you have going on here. It kinda distracts from the poem.. you have this awesome free verse going on, and the only hitch is the rhyming.. normally that isn't the case, but it is in this one. You paint a great picture here, your first stanza with the rain.. I really enjoyed the play on words you had there, excellent job.

I would consider a little more capitalization, perhaps some punctuation thrown in here or there to emphasize certain points, and dropping the rhyming... I know these ideas all seem kinda vague, but if you want more help, I'd be willing to do so via pm with you. Thanks for sharing, good stuff here.

[Ethan]

A true story of pain and agony
i love it
good writing

[LullabyHearts]

I reached up to a sunless sky
huge dark clouds rapidly formed
torrents of rain began to fall
drenching me in pain
as I mourned

Amazing first stanza. Really captured my attention. I can really picture this.