[Phonoho]

If poems were pools,
I’d stand aside as you got in,
Afraid, myself, to swim
In your display

For poets are fools,
Inclined to drown in liquid sin,
To tread water on a whim
At your dismay

If rhyme were Fate,
Divined to render tense in hope,
Or flounder here as rote
Emersed in scorn

Sublime is Weight,
Devised to anchor sense as rope,
So buoyantly afloat
And waterborne

[LullabyHearts]

Afraid myself to swim

This line was awkward and stopped the flow for me. I kept reading it and it just didn't work for me.

Oh I like how the last word in the stanza lines connected back to the previous one.

Inclined to drown in liquid sin

Brilliant line.

Did you purposely have the rhyming scheme different in the last two stanza then in the first two stanzas? They still rhyme, they just don't look like it, as the ones in the first two stanzas.

I think I understood the poem. ^.^ Well done

[Vail]

Lots of different poetry mechanics at work here, and I love it. Four quintets, pretty average poetry... your rhyme scheme was nicely set up... as much as I am inclined to hate rhyming. This piece still lends to that hatred a little bit as you were forced to use near rhymes on your second and third lines of your first two stanzas. I don't know if you want to clean them up or perhaps change the second and third lines in the last two stanza's to near rhymes as well. Either way, there is so much going on poetically in this piece, that I can't imagine you meant to make those near rhymes on purpose. If you did, I apologize for the attempted correction.

Your first two stanzas. Amazing... just sheer awesomeness. I sincerely applaud them as poetic achievements. The structure, aside from the aforementioned, your word selection, the images.. just everything about them was gleaming with that, "I just read some really good poetry" gleam. I know, awesome description.

Ummm.. your last two stanzas get a little more convoluted, seem a little more forced to me. They don't have that same gleam as the first two, seem a bit more forced... also have this feeling that they weren't written at the same time as the first two... almost as an afterthought, or perhaps as a closer to the first two. That may sound like rambling, so I'll just say, they were a little flat. I do appreciate the use of the word 'emersed' as another word to my growing repertoire. I don't know if you live in England and that's the norm, but we usually use 'immersed' I laugh because there is a little red line under your word on my computer, but dictionary.com proved it is a real word. Nice work. Thanks for sharing.

[Venomous Vixen]

I have to agree with Vail, the last two stanzas pale in comparison the the previous ones. This line in particular "Divined to render sense a boat" seemed the beginning of the piece becoming off-beat and slightly forced. The use of the word "divine" in both of the last stanzas also stuck out to me, though one was "divined" it seems for such a short piece a synonym can be stuck in there for this. The form is absolutely beautiful, the way the first and second stanzas and then third and fourth rhyme with one another. It would be neat to see if you could not tie the two pieces together with some rhyme as well, maybe they would not seem so on their own then. I still find it hard to point out any huge mistakes in your work, from most this would be amazing, I just know you can fix it up and make it even better.

[Corneac]

I feel that my review is going to pale in comparison to the other two; but I shall say what I think anyway. I think the last two are strong, fantastically examples of verse, and yes, the first two are stronger, but not to much as to impair the poem. Your capitalization highlights certain points; and this is why this is such a good piece, you use literary techniques well, but subtly, so they overwhelm, nor hinder and are almost invisible to the reader. Enough here to read few times, or more, makes me think and revaluate my own verse. As the other two said - great metaphor.

[Phonoho]

All of your recommendations have been addressed and edited. I do agree with everything said, although with the second set of quatrains I intended to qualify the first two with a different set of metaphors. I did have a bit more trouble with those because I couldn't settle on a set of rhymed pairs to keep my metaphors intact. I knew someone would catch the near rhyme switch. I thought about it, but decided to take a chance.
Vail, I chose emersed because of the slight variance in context between the two words. Emersed is like an aquatic pond plant, standing out of water, its flower and foliage risen above, but firmly rooted beneath the surface. Immersed is to plunge or fully submerse, as in a baptism.
Overall, this is a comment and comparison of rhymed verse and freer poetic styles, both of which share the same fluid attributes.
I so welcome all of your comments and am thrilled to see that you all have caught every little detail. I do my best work here because of all of you. You are, after all, who I write for. I am grateful for your comments and guidance. Thank you.

[colinbaker62]

I thought this was an excellent piece of writing, especially the interplay between the concrete and the abstract.



Colin

[Phonoho]

Thanks, colin. I agree it makes an interesting marriage.