[Lubesh]

I’m walking; I’m waiting, worthlessly again
Like standing, I’m dreaming, always in the rain
In searching, I’m treading, knee deep in the same pain
But,

Everything’s going to be all right
Everything has a casting light
Everything will be day not night
Everything’s has to be just right
For,

I’m reaching, I’m falling, I fall prey to deeper ground
It's treacherous, I’m needy, so I’ll cling till it is found
In hanging, I’m freer, in winds that bolster all around
So,

Many things kept way out of sight
Many thoughts hidden, taken flight
Many times they will speak their plight
Many ears will listen in this fight of fights

I’m winning, I’m winging, soaring like the bird I flew
It’s exhilarating, I’m flying, no hands or timid too
In transcending, I’m delighting; I’m in tune with all that’s new
Me.

[RENA HANDS]

Bravo!

The imagery, fantastic!

The illustration of roller coaster(ing) emotions, amazing!

Now some food for thought(lol)…

In hanging, I’m freer, in winds that bolster all around

What about just saying…

In hanging, I’m free in winds that bolster all around

‘freer’ just seems to stop the thought when it could be one just screaming from their ‘exhilarated lungs,’ I’m free…

Just my thought on it. Agree or disagree. (5/5 on my scale)

[Lubesh]

Thanks Rena it was the having the same two count to it but looking itseems cluttered so okty.

[Vail]

Well Lu, not too much to say negatively about this one. I actually really enjoyed it, which is kinda crazy cause with you it's hit or miss. Nah.. I'm playing, but seriously I did like this one. The pattern you established within the piece was awesome. Not a huge fan of end-rhymes, but you managed to pull this off well.

Umm... a few things you may want to look at. In your first line after, 'I'm walking' you have a semi-colon. Would probably suggest you just make that a comma like you have in your other stanzas that you've started the same way. I disagree with Rena on changing 'freer' only because it would change the pattern you made in the piece, but she is right, the mind's eye does kind of hang up on it a little bit, don't really know how you can change that. Also, after your fourth stanza maybe add one more line with a connector like you have established in the previous three. I have the perfect one in mind, but I'm sure you'll figure it out on your own, and you probably intended to put it there since every stanza has a one word line following it.

Well.. good stuff Lu. Your very first line is my absolute favorite, it's so dark and self-deprecating. Not a horrible place to be. Also I like how the mood of the poem changes from dark and dreary to happy and content at the end. Very good transition. Good stuff here Lu, would daresay I like it a lot. Thanks for sharing.