[Corneac]

Insidious it snakes
like cancer, but only slower
Oblivious, it rakes
a dancer-

limb-by-limb it sweeps the air
and twirls it to a coil
a pirouette, that lets
gravity breathe and fall to the floor,
exhausted, by the whirl, more and more,

and toe-point shoe
catches dust,
and vertical cuticle
that trades air
for trust,

and like the dancer,
that’s spinning, fast and faster,
a snaking leg out held,
that comes last and laster,

my thoughts are spinning
-watch the air abscond,
as poetry, watches, the slow demise,
gravity get back up,
and the limb of broom
that fills the room,
watches thoughts, hang limply,
after the dancing cancer
of you

[dearest]

I love the extended metaphor and the very fluid way this moves. One thing bothered me, though.

like cancer, but only slower

but only? Sounds strange. I reread it a few times and just couldn't make it sound right. Anyways, just my opinion. Do what you will. ^_^ Still, beautiful piece.

[Vail]

Dude I've had to read this one through like six times, not even kidding. I'm sitting here and well.. I'm a fan of it.. but it seems as though something is off. I'm guessing it's that sometimes your rhyme-scheme alters the flow of the piece... but it's not so dramatic as to be bad, and the disruptions it does make to the flow almost feel/seem to be necessary or at the very least intentional.

As you know, not a huge rhyme fan, but hey, every once in awhile a piece comes along that isn't so bad. Your fourth stanza, by far, my favorite. I don't know why but the way you ended that stanza with, 'last and laster' was genius to me. I guess I love it because it's abstract and laster isn't really a word... but it is now. People may criticize it.. but your best defense.. Shakespeare made up over 800 words.. it's only fair that you get to make up at least one.

Umm... the first and fourth stanzas both use a variation of snake.. I would consider tweaking that a little bit so as not to seem to repetitious, but it's a minor flaw and goes easily unnoticed the first few read throughs. Great stuff here bro.. I did like this one, lots. Thanks for sharing.