[Maud]

NOTE: We are doing a poetry unit in class, and it motivated me back to poetry. So after reading some stuff, I wanted to create my own little onion poem. Layers and layers, so that no body knows what is underneath it all, and it stinks too bad to find out. haha...sorry.

Keep

Make it dynamic,
Change it,
Dominate it.

Sickly smell;
water rushing, cascading, pulsing.
Rotting wood,
and chipped paint taken by sea.

Every lash,
of Poseidon’s whip has a crackle.
A simple snap,
and with it comes the power of God.

Of waves,
with pounds of force it takes the sand,
This house,
stands strong and its braces: raw sweat.

A Cloudy sky,
and in our shadows, is a forgotten star.
Sepia tone,
not stopping this life, but dimming.

A light,
a choral humming but light unflickering,
Gentle glow,
Covered not by cotton clouds, but cotton shades.

A breeze,
Heat evaporates in brushing gust.
Stagnate miasma,
Is alleviated by natural correction.

Human coercion,
and a breeze within these walls,
Now no longer,
do I want to be outside this castle.

Concealed behind,
Not stone nor steel, but even better; plaster.
Painted fortress,
Keep me away from the nature, from the world.

Keep me away,
keep me inside.
Build me a Keep.

Just keep it away.

[Maud]

wow, not a comment. Alrighty...

[Maud]

I think I am being avoided. Worry not reading my poems will cause no actual physical harm. When used as directed.

[RENA HANDS]

A very fascinating poem. You have managed extremely well to conceal your thought. So I am saying that I have no clue as to what you write about. The imagery on the other hand is superb!

Why not try these other words for ‘hidden,’ conceal(ed), veil(ed), buried?

Why not try these other words for ‘keep,’ remain, maintain, imprison, incarcerate or possibly intern?

Why not describe the ‘wetness’ of Poseidon’s lash, his whip? Or maybe that would take away from the imagery you have already created. We know of Poseidon.

I am not certain of

( after and it’s braces

…are you certain also of (it’s)?

What about…

In cloudy sky(skies)
and black shadows, is a concealed star.?

Instead of ‘stopping’ what about ceases…

Sepia tone,
not ceasing* life, but dimming. ?

Instead of ‘light’ twice…

A light,
a choral humming, but illuminating unflickering,

*Is unflickering an actual word?

I think something other than ‘cotton’ twice also.

What about…

Concealed within
Neither stone nor steel, but even better; plaster.

Painted fortress,
Restrain me away from nature, from the world. ( I removed one ‘the’).

Save me away, (Save as to hang on to)
imprison me.
Build me a Keep. (I am not certain what this ‘Keep’ is).

What about…

Just drive it away. ?

My rating shall be for the original 4/5!

[Maud]

Some of this stuff I will change. Some of the words I repeated for the sake of repetition. If my purpose isn't clear (with some thought) I don't consider it a success. But I do appreciate that you accepted the beauty. Thanks Rena for being the first to comment.

[Rain]

Good stuff Maud, I'm sorry I didn;t see this before I woudl've posted in it. I'm glad to see you back into poetry because this was good. At points it flowed good, then at points it seemed to not flow great. But it kept consistent through the piece, man, and I enjoyed it, good stuff

"Every lash,
of Poseidon’s whip has a crackle.
A simple snap,
and with it comes the power of God."

Liked that stanza the most.

[Lubesh]

I enjoyed the enjoyment u obviosuly had wiht word useage and also i didnt like the ebgining....seemed rther flipant and more so when i read on, but u salvaged that come ur end which was more serious but complimentary a contrast to the beginning and the layers indeed in between, which for me werent so dense as in i applied it to things for me....very good maud and I have missed ur stuff jsut as u were taking it more monumentaly as u should - ur growing lots.

[Maud]

when it rains, it pours (Twelfth time I said that this week!). Thanks for all the comments guys.

[Syrah]

I like this... very much. First, though... the nit picks....

Make it dynamic,
Change it,
Dynamite it.

Where I can appreciate where you are trying to go with this, it is very jarring (to me) to read. Something that may keep a similar desired effect without the hindrance, I suggest...

Make it dynamic,
Change it,
Dominate it.

Now this....

Sickly smell;
water rushing, cascading, pulsing.
Rotting wood,
and chipped paint taken by sea.

I love the use of the senses here... You actually incorporate smell, touch, hearing, taste as well visual if you take the moment to savor the words in its delicious presentation. Very nice work here.

Every lash,
of Poseidon’s whip has a crackle.
A simple snap,
and with it comes the power of God.

Again you bring in multiple senses with a great imagery, coupled with a very deep and very metaphoric concept.

Of waves,
with pounds of force it takes the sand,
This house,
stands strong, and its braces: raw sweat.

I love this line... it begs my memory to feel the pressure of a wave beating onto my chest. However, I am unsure about the comma before and. I think it flows a little better without and is still grammatically correct, actually more so.

Cloudy sky,
and in our shadows, is a hidden star.
Sepia tone,
not stopping this life, but dimming.

I like how you use such similar feeling words along with your stanzas keeping a similar layout and meter. In this stanza, I particularly like the line "Sepia tone"

A light,
a choral humming but light unflickering,
Gentle glow,
Covered not by cotton clouds, but cotton shades.

This stanza has textures that are delightful... my favorite line "a choral humming but light unflickering"

A breeze,
Heat evaporates in a brushing gust.
Stagnate miasma,
Alleviated by a natural correction.

Here, I would suggest dropping the 'a's in the second and fourth lines.

A breeze,
Heat evaporates in brushing gust.
Stagnate miasma,
Alleviated by natural correction.

Also, the contrast in evaporates/alleviated (etc) seems to clash a bit tense wise. It isn't overwhelming, but if you could figure a way to keep the content and flow while making it more consistent would definitely enhance this stanza.

Human coercion,
and a breeze within these walls,
And no longer,
do I want to be outside this castle.

Here, you start two lines in a row with 'and'. I understand your use for them but I feel the stanza would be even better if you could find a way to drop one of them. Like when sentences in a story always starts with 'I' or 'Then' I know you see how it can lessen the overall quality.

Hidden behind,
Not stone nor steel, but even better; plaster.
Painted fortress,
Keep me away from the nature, from the world.

This is where my favorite transition is located. 'Not stone nor steel, but even better; plaster. Painted fortress' That is just brilliant.

Keep me away,
keep me inside.
Build me a Keep.

Just keep it away.

I like the use of repitition here. It drives the poem home with a different beat. Seemingly very appropriate and yet keeping with the vagueness that the entire poem embodies.


This piece has almost a magical feel to it with a cynicism hue. The overall writing is excellent, with only a few things that I can see to criticize. I see you have changed some of the things Rena had suggested, and therefore left me with less to say. I look forward to more of your poems. (well hell, I love your stories, too)

[Maud]

Thank you guys so much! As soon as I get an opportunity I'll be sure to make all these changes. You guys might be a little slow in getting there, but when you do, thanks alot all.