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Re: The Oasis
Wow. Multileveled layers of meaning. Imagery, as always, top notch. Colors and sounds and action - "hissing and slapping," "twirling and spinning." "curtsy before me." Fresh word choices that snap out of the background and demand to be noticed. You make it look so easy. It's depressing!
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...a sucker for beautiful, soulful eyes
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Re: The Oasis
Good title another could be 'mirage' but well pegged lol sad one and as a fight ensues i got.
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Re: The Oasis
thank you, both!
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"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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Re: The Oasis
This doesn't seem like you at all. Just for the record, I'm not a fan.
There are really no technical aspects wrong with this poem, it just feels kind of lifeless to me. It doesn't seem to have any real depth to it. I'm reading it, and reading it, and I'm looking for something anything, and it's just coming out flat. I know really this is a horrible review, because there isn't much reviewing going on and it's mostly negative criticism.. I promise you I keep reading it trying to find something positive to say. Well.. if this wasn't from you, I may not have reviewed it at all, but it was, so I did. Ummm.. I'mma go look at a poem of yours I like to make up for this. Good effort, thanks for sharing.
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"All people grow up just to die." - System of a Down "Living is the slowest form of suicide." - Me "God is dead." - Friedrich Nietzsche "You are special and unique, just like everyone else." - Unknown |
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Re: The Oasis
LOL, your review does not surprise me. I will explain later, remind me... you will have a good laugh. Thanks for reading hun
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"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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Re: The Oasis
That was cool, the whole mundane of colours, and then the whole idea of writing a poem of about something as mundane as laundry. Although this was a good poem, I enjoyed the flow and your decriptions, but I have to agree with Vaill...I think when findhing beauty in the banal you have to make it really beautiful. or it just seems banal. I have seen you pump, effortlessly, exstroadinary into the ordinary withd descriptions and metahpor, but thsi felt...well, a litttle mundane. Perhaps that was your intention? Like, three prongs of mundanity..
A redeeming line... Quote:
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I like boys with strong convictions and convicts with perfect diction, Underdogs with good intentions Amputees with stamp collections -So Nice, So Smart |
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Re: The Oasis
haha yup, boredom at the laundry mat, you caught me
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"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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Re: The Oasis
wow, this is pretty deep.
i like how you use captivity as entertainment, a way to bring color to an otherwise boring life. nice job. : )
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There are no accidents. |
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Re: The Oasis
I can't find anything wrong with the poem whatsoever, it had nothing wrong with it and it was very good. I enjoyed the end of the 2nd stanza
"try to entice me to set them free spread their wings, their colors take flight, dance in wild abandon" But I also see what Vail is saying, it did seem a little lifeless for me, that surprised me, just seemed bland at some points for some reason... idk. Good job nontheless
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Tell me what I'm supposed to do with all these left over feelings of you... Cause I don't know. And tell me how I'm supposed to feel when all these nightmares become real... Cause I don't know. Last edited by Rain; 15-05-2008 at 11:35 AM. |
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Re: The Oasis
Thank you both
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"when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
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So this is about examining one’s clothing before doing the laundry…lol
I thought this was about the coloring of clothing as they lay before the sun or perhaps hanging on a clothes line. Well not just their coloring or vibrancy, but what effects/imagery the clothes play with the mind (does this make sense?) I like how my mind plays tricks with me especially in the dark (not necessarily relevant to your poem, but I thought I would mention it). So I honorably give 5/5! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Oh, at the very bottom, to the left of the page there is a period, was that intentional?
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Right, I'll keep to the present but just take a glance at the past. Damn, is this poetry?
![]() Last edited by RENA HANDS; 15-05-2008 at 11:14 AM. |
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Re: The Oasis
Nice contrast, and the personification of washing was interesting. Colours especially, are often an interesting and effective means of expressing complex ideas and moods.
Colin Last edited by colinbaker62; 22-05-2008 at 01:34 AM. |
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